A b3ta dirty/erotic poetry competition
I am revising for exams, so (obviously) I have written some dirty limericks, for to share with all of you. That's right, literally ALL of you. Even you.

There once was a girl of Dunoon
Who had the most cavernous poon.
When a suitor fell in
She fetched tins and some string
And she talks to him each afternoon.

There was a young man who would drink
A pot of black Indian ink
He said "it's remiss
But now when I piss
I can write my full name on the sink".

There was a strange girl of Duntocher
Who could only get off with a poker
When asked "is it sore?"
She said "not any more,
Since I hired a high-quality stoker".

There was a young man of Algiers
Who hadn't reached climax for years.
His first girlfriend said
"I just gave him head
And it shot out my nose and my ears!"

There was a young lady of Spain
Whose tightness was cause of her fame
When a man tried to rape her
He turned white as paper
She'd snipped off his cock as he came.

There was a young man of Dumbarton
Who ate cabbage and beans by the carton
When told he was whiffy
He said, with a stiffy
"I get sexual pleasure from fartin'".

Do you have any more? I know that's not how you pronounce Algiers, by the way.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 17:02, 28 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Um, thanks for that.
A chap on the net, I have heard
Just liked to dress up as a bird
He gobbled men’s dicks
And posted shit limericks
The cretinous, cunt-featured turd.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 17:06, Reply)

Oh the fantastic gentleman Boyce
Cocaine is his weapon of choice.
He fills up his nose
- no time for repose -
And drives off in a big red Rolls Royce.


(sorry)
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 17:25, Reply)

haha - very good

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 17:28, Reply)

Hee hee
Got any cock recently?
(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 17:36, Reply)

Alex is not a real Geordie
One might say he is even a fraud-ie
Or a terrible penis,
With debatable cleanness
When he drinks, he gets slightly bawdy.

I've not :(
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 17:42, Reply)

ha!
Alex the Geordie, it’s said
Likes a drink on the night he gets paid.
But when he went to Tayyab
The pustulous scab
Had a pint glass of pure lemonade.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 17:45, Reply)

Haha,
that gave me a giggle.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 17:39, Reply)

Oh Sue is batshit-insane
There is something wrong with her brain
But give her a rod,
(don't gaz a mod)
And she'll fish happily in the rain.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 17:44, Reply)

Hahahaha!
Love it!
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 17:53, Reply)

Batshit-mental-insaine, recently changed her name.
Because "workboresme", was relativly tame
MEOW MEOW MEOW, THUMP THUMP SMASH
B69 would... like to give her knickers a bash.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 17:57, Reply)

You lot are giving me the
giggles this morning!
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 17:58, Reply)

=)

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 18:23, Reply)

Lampito is a girl, who I have never meet.
But one day we shall soon, though no date is yet set
Al insures me that she is really easy
And that would really please me.
He best not be lying, or I'll be most upset.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 17:54, Reply)

Gonzo is a wonderful boy
His posts give me infinite joy
He'd love to hug
An adorable pug
Though sometimes he spells some things strangely
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 17:58, Reply)

=D

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 18:17, Reply)

There once was a guy named Al
Who's cock was nothing short of 'wow'
He could tie it in a bow
And he often did so
He got a stiffy and knocked out a cow.

There once was a lady called Beckyletters
Who was disproportianly shaped in all things that matters
She has a ten ton clit
oh boy, you should have seen it
It's like a spacehopper covered in glitter.

There once was a man named Vipros
Who's chest hair was like a rock covered in moss
Bit's of it was green,
And cows lick it clean
But he couldn't give a toss.

There once was a dreamboat named Flim Flam
She's such a swell lass, the swellest in the land
She can send an army to march for miles
Just for a glance of one of her smiles
And The Offspring is her favorite band

There once was a gal named Rooter
Who comes from the land of Liverpool
Who was heard yelling around town
Calm down calm down calm down
She fancies a chappy named 'Paul'.

There once was a lady named Clindrix
Who enjoys seeing pictures, she calls them Flicks.
She would roll up her skirt and show some thigh
For a guy who would take her out for thai
You should see what she could do with a Twix !

PhsycoChomp, PhsycoChomp, PhsycoChomp !
PhsycoChomp - PhsycoChomp? PhsycoChomp.
PhsycoChomp PhsycoChomp
PhsycoChomp PhsycoChomp
PhsycoChomp, PhsycoChomp, PhsycoChomp !
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 17:48, Reply)

that last verse needs a bit of work, I think

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 17:55, Reply)

everytime I see the name Clendrix I think clitoris

( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 18:10, Reply)

Kristine is a god, a god of rawk
She sometimes headbangs, and sometimes can't stop.
I saw her crowd-surf, her way to the shops
Where that crowd came from? how did she get on top?
Ask her and she'll say, "By the power of rock".
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 18:22, Reply)

Gonz is a god, a god of cock
When he auditioned for a porn the fluffers had a strop
Cause his cock is so big he wore it over his frock
"Look at that cock, it must be a mock" They exclaimed all over set
But he just kicked back, parted his legs and let it fall down to his f(e)et
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 18:44, Reply)

My goodness !

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 19:16, Reply)

There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long, he could suck it
He said, with a grin, as he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear were a minge, I would fuck it."
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 18:53, Reply)

OK then
A mathematician named Hall
Had one hexahedronical ball
The cube of its weight
Times his plonker, plus eight
Was four fifths of five eighths of fuck all!
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 22:40, Reply)

An old one...
There was a young man from Bombay
who fashioned a cunt out of clay
but the heat of his prick
turned it into a brick
and it chafed all his foreskin away...

and another...

There was a young lady from Dent
who's twat was so terribly bent.
"It takes a s-s-sledgehammer"
she said with a stammer
"to get a man into my vent".
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Fri 11 Dec 2009, 22:50, Reply)

An Oldy
There was a young lady from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
In half an hour
Her arse was a-flower
And her cunt was a tangle of weeds
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 11 Dec 2009, 23:42, Reply)

third line...
"within half an hour"
not
"in half an hour"
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Sat 12 Dec 2009, 0:21, Reply)

There was a young woman from Hull
Who's life was incredibly dull
She blogged on a site
That her life was so shite
And the regulars said "full of bull"
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sat 12 Dec 2009, 0:12, Reply)

did you watch M*A*S*H as a child?
BJ used the line "not funny, but fast" a couple of times.
but achly that is quite funny.
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Sat 12 Dec 2009, 0:24, Reply)