The feckin' gobshites
Hi all.
thought I would share MY shit day with you.It started really badly with me not being able to unlock my frozen car for about 20 minutes - it's a P plate golf estate with dodgy locks - the only lock that would work was the nearside but last time I used this one I managed to lock myself out of the car - not a problem with a spare key but my knob (note correct spelling, Monty) of an Ex has lost it when pissed and not replaced it.

So I finally get into the car and start it up hoping to dislodge some of the permafrost obscuring my vision. The only problem now is if I get out of the car, I get locked out.

Aha, thought I - I'll wedge the door open with one of the three scrapers I own and then I can clear the glass.Great Idea. Not.

I slipped when trying to gently close the door and ended up crushing my left elbow with the door catch- I now have a very black bruise which won't look good in my posh frock on xmas day with the relatives...................It gets worse.

Read on.........

our email system was down when I finally got to work but on there was a mail (sent on friday) from one of my "subbies" giving me the sad news of the terminal illness of one of our well loved (and not all of them are...) colleagues, another subbie of mine. well it did cast quite a cloud and I felt a little tearful for most of the day -being my last day at work I wanted to get loads done and just couldn't get my head around it.

I spent 59 minutes driving home from work, a journey of 20 if I put my foot down - the A5 was at a standstill but I did manage to fly through my front door at about 6.45 and make it to the loo without getting chapped thighs......as I got home I thought "Right, off to the pub, finished work, snow is lovely" and started to cheer up a bit.

My elbow by now is very swollen and I can feel pain every time my cardi brushes against the damaged area.But being the big brave girl that I am I soldiered on and necked a couple of Tring Brewery's Jack O' Legs before being persuaded to open my house for coffee and spliffs. Well how can a girl refuse! all going swimmingly well until we heard an ominous tinkle from the front of the house at about 11.15 - some little feckin' shite had smashed my window with a snowball - nobody in sight,police were not interested and it's just cost me £143 to have it reglazed.

The little fucker, if he is ever made known to me, will have parts of his male anatomy made into rather fetching jewellery.I will do this personally.
Anyway - have a good Xmarse all - sorry for ramble, first real post and needed to get stuff off my chest (which is also quite ample thank you.....)
and breathe out..........
(Purpledoris I've got afeckin' job, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 15:55, 49 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I miss line breaks =(

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 15:58, Reply)

I gave up after the fourth line.

( girlinthehole, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:00, Reply)

Damn, I perserviered, refreshed the page, and it was all done !

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:03, Reply)

Line breaks
sorry - thought we were not supposed to use them - so do i get any sympathy then ...........
(Purpledoris I've got afeckin' job, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 15:59, Reply)

sounds like a proper Suck-cember
hope it gets better, etc
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:03, Reply)

My eye just got cancer and fell out

( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:01, Reply)

At least it's gone now

Imagine if it grew legs crawled up your arse and fucked cancer into your liver, then you'd be really screwed
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:10, Reply)

Well it is on the floor festering
so this is still a possibility. Apart from the fact that my arsehole is as tight as a polo-hole, can't see a cancerous eye squeezing in there without some butter or spit...
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:42, Reply)

is that a bit better?
(Purpledoris I've got afeckin' job, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:01, Reply)

Much better, thanks. I don't have anything to say really, except prehaps
When a cold wind blows it chills you,
Chills you to the bone
But there's nothin' in nature that freezes your heart
Like years of bein' alone

Its paints you with indifference,
Like a lady paints with rouge
And the worst of the worst,
The most hated and cursed
Is the one that we call Scrooge
Un kind as any,
And the wrath of many,
This is that Ebenezer Scrooge

OH! There goes Mr. Humbug,
There goes mister Grim
If they gave a prize for bein' mean
The winner would be him
Oh, Scroogey loves his money
Cause he thinks it gives him power
If he became a flavor, you can bet he would be sour
(Even the vegetables don't like him!)

There goes mister Skin flint
There goes mister Greed
The undisputed master of the under-handed deed
He charges folks a fortune for his dark and drafty houses
Us small folk live in misery
Its even worse for mouses
(Please sir, I want some cheese)

He must be so lonely
He must be so sad
He goes to extremes to convince us he´sbad
He´s really a victem of fear and of pride
Look close and there must be a sweet man inside
Nah! Uh-Uh!

There goes mister outrage,
There goes mister sneer
He has no time for friends or fun
His anger makes that clear
Don't ask him for a favor cause his nastiness increases
No crust of bread for those in need
No cheeses for us mices

(Gonzo/Charles Dickens: Scrooge liked the cold
He was hard and sharp as a flint
Secret and self contained
As solitary as an oyster)

There goes mister Heartless
there goes mister Cruel
He never gives
He only takes
He lets his hunger rule
If being mean´s A way of life
He´ll practice and Rehearse
And all that work is payin' off
Cause Scrooge is getting worse
Everyday in everyway
Scrooge is getting worse!
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:04, Reply)

thanks - it's getting better already!I am having dinner with an exceedingly sexy man tonight, and my shopping is all done. Whoop whoop....
(Purpledoris I've got afeckin' job, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:06, Reply)

You should reply to individuals here....
It allows for us to see who you're thanking while validating people.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:08, Reply)

I didn't think I had dinner plans tonight...

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:09, Reply)

You don't
She's eating with Terry Nutkins


EDIT: with
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:10, Reply)

lucky bitch

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:11, Reply)

's kin
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:21, Reply)

They're not Terry's

they're mine
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:23, Reply)

excellent conclusion there
*high fives*
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:38, Reply)

I was going to reply this, but I'm having dinner with my mum tonight, and I don't think she's my mum, at least, not from what I hear.
But then I forgot that you all don't know that I'm having dinner with my mum, and it would still work in a humorous concept to everyone else.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:12, Reply)

Is this the topic of the day for Jeremy Kyle?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:15, Reply)

I hate to break to you Doris,
...but he's a bender.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:24, Reply)

Well - I think not.....ha ha.....TMI I know.....
(Purpledoris I've got afeckin' job, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:31, Reply)

MTFU

that is all
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:07, Reply)

cheers Gonz - be gentle. I'm learning............now a spot of wrapping and a large sherry methinks..
(Purpledoris I've got afeckin' job, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:11, Reply)

Very close, under each post is a link that says 'reply'... click on that one.
It's OK, we all started somewhere.

They're selling mulled wine at Tesco, I think I might want to pick up a bottle on the way home.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:13, Reply)

Mulled cider is superior

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:14, Reply)

Why would you do that? Why? What's wrong with you?
They don't sell that, and I don't plan on making my own, it's just a little bottle of drink I want, and I want to enjoy it without your constant one upmanship mind games !
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:18, Reply)

Trust me on this

All the wintery goodness of the West Country in a steaming hot mug
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:20, Reply)

And you're _still_ doing it !
Why can't you just let me enjoy my drink? I don't drink very often.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:21, Reply)

Drink more often and this will be less of an issue

Hugh Fearnly Whittingstal uses it to date rape Dorset woman, tru fax
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:22, Reply)

Drinking is a shit drug.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:25, Reply)

Some people don't find life so painful that they have to drink every day of the week.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:26, Reply)

Waves
Falls over
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:27, Reply)

You can reply to replies
each reply has its own "reply" link
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:13, Reply)

Really?

How does one do such a thing?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:14, Reply)

It's all done by wizards

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:15, Reply)

Gay wizards who live in the kettle
That's what I heard.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:17, Reply)

Of course...gay wizards in the kettle
it all makes sense now

it also explains why my arse hurts every time I make a cup of tea
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:19, Reply)

HOLY SHIT, YOU'RE A GIRL?

( broadsword, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:16, Reply)

A girl with a bruise no less
whose got a bruise?
Shes got a bruise
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:17, Reply)

aww man, I hope she's attractive.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:30, Reply)

That's pretty fucking shit
Unlucky mon.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:23, Reply)

Who are you then?
Are you one of Monty's ex's?

*instant sympathy*
(PsychoChomp, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:23, Reply)

Thanks mate
I need some sympathy right now.

Have I misunderstood?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:26, Reply)

Not as much as I did

(PsychoChomp, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:27, Reply)

I am a Doris of the Purple variety and not one of Monty's ex's........mysterious huh.....
but I am a wee bit mad so an understandable assumption........
(Purpledoris I've got afeckin' job, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:33, Reply)

YAY YOU DID IT !
Who's a good girl? YOU'RE A GOOD GIRL !
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:36, Reply)

Where are you from pd?

(PsychoChomp, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 16:36, Reply)

I am a displaced Lancastrian living somewhere in the general vicinity of that monstrosity known as Milton Keynes..........
(Purpledoris I've got afeckin' job, Wed 23 Dec 2009, 9:00, Reply)