Went to my mates funeral yesterday
and I know they aren't exactly jolly affairs but this vicar was the most miserable cunt ever. Telling his parents that their son was only lent to them, telling us all he never fulfilled any of his dreams, preaching that he never went to church, reminding his fiance that he died before they could get married. He spoke like he was an actor in a piss poor b movie. He was actually making people feel worse and everyone was bawling their eyes out.

On the plus side they played OPM's Heaven is a Halfpipe on the way out. Shit song but at least I got to snigger at the word "fucking" being said out loud in church. Also his dad got up and told us how one night he hadn't come home and so he had gone out looking for him and found him and his friends outside Morrisons stoned out of their minds trying to climb a lamp post because they thought they might be able to light a joint off it.

Anyway, I'm a guitarist and vocalist in a band, anyone want a bunk up?
( Peej, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 11:50, 20 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Applebites not here no point pandering to her.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 11:52, Reply)

Nah gone off her,
I've already got one frigid girl what's the point of another
( Peej, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 12:03, Reply)

Oi!
I've been called a lot of things, but frigid has never been one of them.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 15:03, Reply)

I don't like priests
If they're not preaching at you, they're trying to finger you
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 11:52, Reply)

I wonder how one would feel...
...to be the only kid who was not touched-up by the local priest. Underneath the relief there must be feelings of anger and resentment mixed with insecurity as to 'why not me?'

I fear this could be potentially worse for the psyche than the papal-finger is to the rectum .
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 13:20, Reply)

Amen to that.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 11:55, Reply)

Priests - Dirty Beasts

(Cancer Joy was short lived, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 11:56, Reply)

Reminds me of my father's second marriage.
He married a woman from a large local landowning family, the whole thing was very extravagant and completely bankrolled by 'her' family.

The only ghosts from my father's past were my brother, sister and me. The vicar was the most insensitive cunt I've ever come across; his sermon was effectively saying 'forget about the past - that's irrelevant and all a terrible mistake - it all starts from here and now'.

Thanks a fucking bunch you thoughtless spastic - there are three adults in the front row that are the product of that 'terrible mistake' and they might just possibly be finding all this a little difficult right about now. Describing them and their entire lives as a kind of inconvenient error might conceivably be considered a mite insensitive.

We found my sister in floods of tears behind a gravestone after the service.

GO CHRISTIANITY!!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 11:57, Reply)

Nothing a litre of Buckfast and a teaspoon couldn't sort out.
Get him to chose which eye he wanted popped, then pop both, and say that vision was a thing of the past, and the he should now use his faith to guide him, from here and now.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 12:05, Reply)

After my maternal grandmother's funeral last spring
(oooh - actually two springs ago now...) we were doing that hanging-around-by-the-church-door-shaking-hands-with-people bit, when someone we vaguely recognised pushed her way to the front of the line and yelled at my mother "I KNEW Eileen, and she would NOT have approved of those hymns!" before storming off.

Fortunately, Mum was too stunned to be upset, and by the time the stun had worn off, she found it blackly hilarious.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 12:00, Reply)

What a twat
But it seems to be a running theme.

My flatmate's cousin (or something like that) is of Baptist stock and so the extended family convened somewhere near Gloucester to watch said cousin being dunked in a bath in the name of the holy father.

After the service, the priest went round and had a chat with everyone. He told my flatmate's sister (who was starting up a photography business at the time) that she was "wasting her life," and told my flatmate, who had just finished a geology degree that "that was a waste of time, given they're all wrong anyway."

Way to endear yourself to the family.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 12:02, Reply)

How did I forget?
**WARNING: Contains traces of RANT**
My parents live next door to a C of E church. The vicar who was in residence throughout the time I was growing up there was the complete opposite to the peaceful ideal of "Love thy neighbour."

He has a sign in his window which reads "Today is the vicar's day off." I presumed this was just for Saturdays initially, but when I started doing a local paper round I noticed that sign seemed to be there almost every day.

When I was about...oh, 8 or 9, a window was broken on the church steeple. He knocked on the door to ask my mother if I had kicked a football through it. From the height of this window, and the steep angle it made with our garden, I think even Roberto Fucking Carlos would have struggled, let alone the lanky kid who was always picked last when the boys were playing football in the playground.

A little more consideration would have been nice when he cleaned out the church gutters. He could have taken care to collect all the gunk in a bucket; instead he just casually shovelled it out and let it splatter all over the side of our house.

My father had a maple tree which had apparently grown from a seed he'd picked up in Kew Gardens. Quite an impressive specimen it was too by the time I was about 16. We came back from a holiday that summer to find that someone had 'ringed' it. That is, they'd tied a piece of wire round the tree such that it cut into the bark and cut off the tree's xylem. And the piece of wire had been embedded a couple of feet above the wall that separated our gardens. When confronted, the pillock said "Oh, well, we do get a lot of funny people hanging around the church*, I'm sure the kids said they saw someone on the garden wall a couple of weeks ago."

There's probably more, but I'm ranting now. Just to finish, I remember him letting a homeless chap live in the church basement. I don't know how much he knew about this guy to start with, but I found out years later that this homeless guy had been writing letters to the girls who went to play round the churchyard. The vicar's response to this revelation?
"Oh, perhaps it's time he moved on."

Did I say bad neighbour? I think "sanctimonious cockdonkey of the highest order" would be more accurate.

*_{Yeah, your congregation, mate...}
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 12:18, Reply)

They aren't all twats though
We went to grans funeral on Christmas eve and a friend did a similar thing to a post above and got all shitty saying gran wanted a certain hymn. She left no instructions so we had done our best. She swore at us all in front of the vicar. We turned to apologise and he put up his hands and said "Guys I was a Padre for the Army for 15 years, I've heard people swear for 10 minutes without repeating themselves" He was a lovely chap
( Peej, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 12:08, Reply)

Jesus...
What a nobber. Is there someone you can complain to about the ignorant twat, like the Bishop of the diocese or something?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 5 Feb 2010, 12:19, Reply)

Yes actually there is
You guys. So I did.
( Peej, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 12:21, Reply)

Good.
Some people in some professions think they're above 'the little people'. Some doctor's, for example.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 5 Feb 2010, 12:33, Reply)

Correct - complain to the Bishop.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 12:21, Reply)

Yeah bash that bishop

till he's sick all over the priests face
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 12:36, Reply)

Congratulations!
You win :0)
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 12:37, Reply)