I recommend a course of
"go and see a real doctor you fucking helmet"

actual pain is not something about which to ask the internet
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 14:36, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

not arsed about the pain (winces)..
... just the mechanics of gouts starts. I understand the coating of chrystals in protein, hence swelling.... but, can it be brought on by a twist?

btw: loling @ "you fucking helmet".
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 14:38, Reply)

Yes.
Or it could be a coincidence. Or it could be something else entirely.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 14:40, Reply)

Or I could just be guessing.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 14:40, Reply)

Or perhaps I'm channeling zoologist-hotelier Captain Kaol, most qualified man in the universe.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 14:41, Reply)

I think your best option is to amputate, probably. Do you own an electric carving knife?

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 14:42, Reply)

We did have a 'proper' doctor on OT that could have helped you
but he's in prison now so we're not so handy with the medical advice. I would suggest seeking a medical professionals opinion rather than any of us twunts.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 22 Feb 2010, 14:41, Reply)

Oh shit, I'd forgotten about that.
Sock-puppet time!
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 14:42, Reply)

You rang?

(Edmund has no idea what you mean, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 14:43, Reply)

*bursts*

(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 22 Feb 2010, 14:46, Reply)

*gazzes*

*winks*
(Edmund has no idea what you mean, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 14:48, Reply)

*dies a little inside*

(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 22 Feb 2010, 14:50, Reply)

Go man go
Bring forth the medical madness... don't forget to mention your expedition to the North Pole!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 22 Feb 2010, 14:44, Reply)

He came back!!!
He was called Medical Male and he gazzed me. Still no cock, but hey, he was cross that I'd rumbled him...
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 14:59, Reply)

Madam, I can assure you that was an impostor.

(Edmund has no idea what you mean, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 15:01, Reply)

I really think that was you/him, Ed

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 15:02, Reply)

Nonsense,
I was awaiting Her Majesty's Pleasure at the time. I believe she wished to congratulate me on my charity efforts, or some such.
(Edmund has no idea what you mean, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 15:07, Reply)

Fancy going to the opera?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 15:10, Reply)

Do you promise to wear a single paedo-glove?
I am partial to a bit of Gilbert and Sullivan.
(Edmund has no idea what you mean, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 15:12, Reply)

I have a beautiful gun-metal coloured 3/4 length leather paedo glove
I shall wear it
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 15:13, Reply)

Then it is a date.
Do you mind if I bring one of my wives? Only I'm a bit short of cash at the moment so I can only afford one house, and I have to keep one wife with me at all times so they don't run into each other. I'll rohypnol her when it's cock time, don't worry.
(Edmund has no idea what you mean, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 15:17, Reply)

That's fine.
I must confess, I wear my paedo glove becasue I have a hideously deformed claw-like hand.
Can you help me?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 15:18, Reply)

One good manipulation deserves another, I suppose.

(Edmund has no idea what you mean, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 15:21, Reply)

Deal

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 15:24, Reply)

Although she never did show up. I imagine she was just busy.
And the waiting room was rather less salubrious than I had expected.
(Edmund has no idea what you mean, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 15:11, Reply)

Whilst I agree wholeheartedly with Vipros' earlier comment
I couldn't resist a good, old-fashioned, entirely uninformed 'reckon':

If you've twisted your ankle, it will swell. You've probably stretched or broken some ligaments and the affected area will swell (I'm not sure why this is but I think it's a similar reason to blistering - fluid building up to protect the damaged part). I'd be very surprised if it's actually gout. Either way, go and see a doctor.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 14:42, Reply)

My word, sir!
What ill-informed speculation! Do you have a medical degree, like I do? I thought not. Mine even has my name on it, see there, on the tippex.

This gentleman has clearly DISLOCATED his ankle and therefore I must manipulate it back into place, which IN NO WAY will result in a twisted, Beadle-like claw foot and a prison sentence.
(Edmund has no idea what you mean, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 14:48, Reply)

And I suppose you'll manipulate it back into place using your harrier jump-jet
once you've got it out of its hangar at the South Pole?

You're too late, sunshine. I've already gazzed him a collage made entirely from pictures of my own cock.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 14:50, Reply)

Don't be absurd, everyone knows you don't get harrier jump jets in the South Pole,
they only live in the Northern hemisphere.

Besides, the word is MANipulate, which makes it quite obvious that you need to use your weighty, impressive MANpenis to club it back into shape.
(Edmund has no idea what you mean, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 15:04, Reply)

Then that's what I'll do.
And when I'm finished with the patient, I shall club you across the face with my weighty and terrifying manpenis. En garde!
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 15:09, Reply)

I shall have you struck off.

(Edmund has no idea what you mean, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 15:14, Reply)

I shall have both your wives strike me off

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 15:31, Reply)

You know about the aspatimine/fizzy drink connection I suppose?
Doesn't sound like gout to me.

Trust me, I'm a doctor.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Mon 22 Feb 2010, 14:44, Reply)

Vipros you cunt,
are you saying emotional pain is less valid than physical pain?
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 14:39, Reply)

in hindsight what I should have said is
a little bit of pain never hurt anyone
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 15:14, Reply)

*waves*
Alright, hows it going?
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 22 Feb 2010, 14:40, Reply)

not bad ta
you?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 15:15, Reply)

I'm super thank you muchly
even though its Monday and I can't get no sleep
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 22 Feb 2010, 15:16, Reply)

glad to hear it
I'm not suffering at all from stumbling home at 4am on sunday morning which is nice.

had a top notch weekend, with fine dining, awesome gigage and lots of lying about.

watched Dorian Gray as well, which I was very pleased with on the whole.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 15:23, Reply)

Oooh sounds tops!
I was wondering what Dorian Gray was like, I would like to see it! :D

I watched Avatar last week with DiT... it was like Dances with Wolves... but in space.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 22 Feb 2010, 15:32, Reply)

That is an amazing description right there!!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 15:33, Reply)

"Best looking Ferngully remake ever" is my favourite so far.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 15:37, Reply)

Hehehe
That's good too. At one point while watching it I had a Ferngully flashback, it made me giggle.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 22 Feb 2010, 15:39, Reply)

haha
superb.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 15:44, Reply)

Alright mrs!
That's the only way I can describe it really. It was the same basic plot and it went on far too blooming long, it was very pretty and clever but also slightly meh... Dances with bloody Wolves.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 22 Feb 2010, 15:38, Reply)

Dorian Gray was rather good
I love the book, and the film was nicely satisfying

Colin Firth was particularly excellent
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 15:46, Reply)

Cool
I do like Colin Firth, he is rather super in most films!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 22 Feb 2010, 15:48, Reply)

I'd say this was my favourite performance of his
because he's a bit of a bounder.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 15:55, Reply)

Cool
Hurrah, I'm excited about it now! I had heard bad reviews so wasn't so sure. :D
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 22 Feb 2010, 15:57, Reply)

The book is excellent, I love it.
Colin Firth went to my school and 6th Form college.


THE END.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 16:04, Reply)

being a contrary bastard
you will probably hate the film, but I thought it was excellent. Nice and dark, well acted and true to the book.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 16:06, Reply)

I thought that film was horrendous

( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 16:27, Reply)