In the interests of keeping matters calm and troll-free today
I propose a civilized discussion, with tea and cucumber sandwiches, about the most entertaining way to horribly murder Michael McIntyre, Chris Hollins and Russell Brand. Not necessarily in that order.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 11:41, 54 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I don't know who Chris Hollins is
but I quite like the other two. I will therefore leave you to your high tea and go grab a burger and chips.

Edit: Spelling corrected for Cledrix ;)
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 11:44, Reply)

^This...
only with corrected spelling and grammar.
Edit: Aah, how sweet :)
( thealternativefact, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 11:47, Reply)

I love how he misspelled Clendrix
in the correction.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 11:59, Reply)

I wasn't going to say...

( thealternativefact, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:14, Reply)

It was intentional
hence the ;)
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:26, Reply)

I don't mind Mikey boy
and don't know who Chrissy is. Russel Brand can fuck off and die though.

I'm going to tie him up and stab him on the abdomen with a nitting needle in random places, noting the effects until he dies.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 11:45, Reply)

You own a knitting needle?
Other than that I like your style
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 11:49, Reply)

It's me Gran's!
Hold on a minute... Chris Hollins is a legend!
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 11:52, Reply)

What?
A legend to the fellow citizens of incredibly punchable face land, maybe
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 11:53, Reply)

Seeing as GMTV is unwatchable
my morning television experience is of the BBC variety. With Bill fucking Turnbull around, it makes any guy look like a legend. Susanna Reid though... Ohhhhhhhh Susanna.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:04, Reply)

the citizens of incredibly punchable face land
I'm stealing that.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:20, Reply)

I don't want to kill Russell Brand and Michael McIntyre
(no idea who the other one is) I just want to gently educate them about good comedy.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 11:50, Reply)

Michael McIntyre is hilarious
Admittedly Russell Brand can be shit but I find him funny when he's on panel shows
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 11:52, Reply)

Michael McIntyre
is just not my type of humour. He tries so hard to play into the middle class stereoptype
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:25, Reply)

You obviously haven't had to sit through as much of their fucking material as I have

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 11:53, Reply)

When did troll become "someone who I disagree with"

(PsychoChomp, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 11:57, Reply)

Probably not directed at you
but IMO a whole host of trolls appeared at some point yesterday.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:05, Reply)

Trolls was always people who lied on the internet to provoke a reaction.
I just thought yesterday was full of people spitting their dummies.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:10, Reply)

"were"
but yes, they were spitting their dummy only to provoke a reaction!
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:11, Reply)

It's not were you dick
It's was, I was referring to the word not the people.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:25, Reply)

YOU DICK!!

( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:32, Reply)

CUNT!
(can I join in the fun?)
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:35, Reply)

No!!
Dicklegs!
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:42, Reply)

Yeah I wasn't talking about you Chompy
I think you probably know who I meant in particular!
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:16, Reply)

Admirable thought.
Indeed, I proposed a book club earlier. An immediate success with nearly three B3tans slightly interested.

I have no idea whatever who those people you propose doing in are. Apart from Russell Brand.
But if it's the grisly, gruesome or macabre you seek you're in the right place.
For Mr Brand I would suggest something akin to Edward II's painful end.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:17, Reply)

Haha, fuck!
weighed him down and suffocated him, a plumber's iron, heated intensely hot, was introduced through a tube into his anus so that it burned the inner portions beyond the intestines.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:19, Reply)

I like Russell Brand.
And I like breasts.
More tea?
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:18, Reply)

you confound me Tuggers
you like breasts, which is obviously good, and yet in practically the same breath you are saying you like Russell Brand.

you are an enigma wrapped in a conundrum
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:22, Reply)

Seems he can only think of the two obvious erogenous zones.

( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:27, Reply)

I like what you've done there

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:30, Reply)

Twas good.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 13:06, Reply)

Gammon slicer
slice 1cm layers off starting at their feet. Frying the layers in oil and feeding them their own flesh. Its important to leave enough time for them to heal inbetween slices so the torture can last longer. Repeat until dead.
( Peej, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:24, Reply)

ok...
that's a little scary.

And gross!
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:27, Reply)

Jesus that's good
Excellent use of the word "gammon", also
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:37, Reply)

I dislike Brand's Ponderland stuff
but I agree that when he's on panel shows he's usually pretty funny. And I saw his most recent stand up a bit ago fully expecting to hate it, but it was pretty funny. Especially amusing was his take on the uproar caused by him and Ross doing that stupid phone call to Andrew Sachs.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:27, Reply)

I thought
he was funny on the Big Fat Quiz a few years ago with Noel Fielding
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:31, Reply)

The only thing he's ever said that made me laugh
was on that show.

David Walliams was a guest, just after he'd swum the channel. He was being a bit of a prick - for a change - and Brand told him "you've got to take this seriously David, this isn't some prance across the channel, this is a QUIZ!!"
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:39, Reply)

yes
to be fair if you ranked comedians in order of prickishness David Walliams beats most of them
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:51, Reply)

I did slightly forget him a bit
when I suggested the thread. Rookie mistake. The man's a dickhead.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:54, Reply)

Can I throw Rob Brydon in the mix
I can't stand him
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:55, Reply)

Have to stand up for the Brydon
Rare to find someone on TV being so proudly Welsh, and my heritage dictates that I have to admire this in him

Doesn't extend to the Stereophonics though. Wankers.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:56, Reply)

The only funny thing Brydon has ever done
is being able to do that tiny trapped in a barrel man voice
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:59, Reply)

I liked Human Remains

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 13:10, Reply)

What about his character in Gavin And Stacy?
I think Uncle Bryn is fucking funny
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 14:11, Reply)

Gavin and Stacey is one of the worst pieces of crap to ever be broadcast
it's a piece of shit. it baffles me how it is so popular.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 14:37, Reply)

Well I love that programme

(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 14:45, Reply)

I think that if he tried
Russell Brand could be really funny. Michael McIntyre couldn't even if he tried
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:56, Reply)

Agreed
How the fuck McIntyre is so successful I'll never know. There must be a lot of very stupid people with money for DVDs
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:57, Reply)

Goth Detectives

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:54, Reply)

Wait....
has no one proclaimed their hatred of Bono yet?

You're slacking guys
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 13:00, Reply)

I think mass hatred of Bono
has got so extreme that it's gone all the way round and back into quite liking him again

Either that or it's just assumed and no-one could be bothered to specify
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 13:07, Reply)

don't be ridiculous
Bono is chief helm-cheese extraordinaire.

He must be destroyed!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 13:43, Reply)

Almost goes without saying

( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 13:08, Reply)

Russell Brand wrote this, and I like it
Feed Me
------

'All them girls...'
(pause)
'You must be like a kid in a sweet shop,'
He said.
I pondered.
If you were a kid in a sweet shop,
The first half hour would be nice.
Mmmmmmmmm sweets you'd think, Delicious!
You'd cram caramel into your lusty gut
Scoff toffees and gobble choc drops
Yielding to the spirit of Bacchus.
You'd gorge on sherbert mountains
And guzzle fizzy pop lagoons.

But in the moon's glare when
The sweet shop bristled
With hollow lonely clicks
You'd sqwirm

Dull looming jars. Bereft of treats.
Floor strewn with curly whirly corpses,
Like a Columbine on Wonka's factory floor,
Slaughtered oopma loompas twitching by the counter.
Then the demons would come.
You'd paw the indifferent glass, cold like Spandau walls
'What wouldn't I give for a sprout'
you'd mutter as you died of diabetes.
He reflected; 'Still, all them girls...'
(mmmm curry doesn't really understand this sig lark, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 14:39, Reply)