There is no-one in Hollywood ugly enough
to play the part of any B3tan
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:06, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Oh I don't know. I think Peter Lorre could have played me.
He died before I was born so the plot would have had to have been a bit vague, though.
(Cave Duck, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:10, Reply)

Played by the corpse of Peter Lorre.
I could go with that.
(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:38, Reply)

A sort of film noir "Weekend At Bernies" perhaps?

(Cave Duck, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:41, Reply)

This is sounding better all the time!

(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:55, Reply)

Robin Williams could play you!
He's hairy enough and just the wrong side of earnestly trying to be funny.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:19, Reply)

Robin Williams hasn't been funny since the 80s
So yeah, that sounds about right.

EDIT except that I'm not even trying anymore, the novelty's worn off and I've gotten really bored already.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:20, Reply)

There, there. Never mind.
You'll soon be dead and so will everyone else. Just you wait and see.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:40, Reply)

I bloody well hope so
a colleague of mine brought in a shotgun shell today, for no apparent reason. I'm hoping this is a sign of things yet to come
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:42, Reply)

Can I call you "Wowbagger"?
I can see similarities...
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:52, Reply)

Who?

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:54, Reply)

Bowerick Wowbagger

(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:55, Reply)

It's alright, I googled it
that sounds like probably the most meaningful existence in history.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:57, Reply)

I thought you'd approve
Backhanded compliments and all that.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:57, Reply)

I prefer all-out insults, mind
you festering dingo's arse
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:59, Reply)

What is the "festering" tense?
The Dingo itself or just it's arse?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:00, Reply)

Just its arse
It has been recently knife-raped by a poorly trained butcher
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:03, Reply)

Good, but quite as good as...
..."a wanker, a tosspot, a very tiny piece of turd"
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:10, Reply)

Get him to hold it so you can press a biro against the percussion cap and set it off with a stapler.

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:07, Reply)

It's not live, silly

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:10, Reply)

I reckon Andy Serkis and a bit of CGI has me covered.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:42, Reply)

A much less twattish Steve Coogan
Would have some of your mannerisms covered.

[edit]

That was meant as a compliment, but reading back it's kind of lost in the "Steve Coogan" bit. How about

"Steve Coogan after a twat-bypass"?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:44, Reply)

It's the thought that counts.
I'm not sure Steve Coogan would survive a twat-bypass.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:47, Reply)

Okay, imagine a cross between a de-twatted Coogan...
...and that Mitchell bloke off the telly.

You've got those bases covered.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:57, Reply)