Your Biopic
Who would play you and other major characters in a film of your life?
What genre of film would it be? What are the main plot points, and what would be on the soundtrack?
(Cave Duck, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:01, 122 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

There is no-one in Hollywood ugly enough
to play the part of any B3tan
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:06, Reply)

Oh I don't know. I think Peter Lorre could have played me.
He died before I was born so the plot would have had to have been a bit vague, though.
(Cave Duck, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:10, Reply)

Played by the corpse of Peter Lorre.
I could go with that.
(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:38, Reply)

A sort of film noir "Weekend At Bernies" perhaps?

(Cave Duck, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:41, Reply)

This is sounding better all the time!

(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:55, Reply)

Robin Williams could play you!
He's hairy enough and just the wrong side of earnestly trying to be funny.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:19, Reply)

Robin Williams hasn't been funny since the 80s
So yeah, that sounds about right.

EDIT except that I'm not even trying anymore, the novelty's worn off and I've gotten really bored already.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:20, Reply)

There, there. Never mind.
You'll soon be dead and so will everyone else. Just you wait and see.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:40, Reply)

I bloody well hope so
a colleague of mine brought in a shotgun shell today, for no apparent reason. I'm hoping this is a sign of things yet to come
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:42, Reply)

Can I call you "Wowbagger"?
I can see similarities...
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:52, Reply)

Who?

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:54, Reply)

Bowerick Wowbagger

(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:55, Reply)

It's alright, I googled it
that sounds like probably the most meaningful existence in history.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:57, Reply)

I thought you'd approve
Backhanded compliments and all that.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:57, Reply)

I prefer all-out insults, mind
you festering dingo's arse
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:59, Reply)

What is the "festering" tense?
The Dingo itself or just it's arse?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:00, Reply)

Just its arse
It has been recently knife-raped by a poorly trained butcher
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:03, Reply)

Good, but quite as good as...
..."a wanker, a tosspot, a very tiny piece of turd"
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:10, Reply)

Get him to hold it so you can press a biro against the percussion cap and set it off with a stapler.

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:07, Reply)

It's not live, silly

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:10, Reply)

I reckon Andy Serkis and a bit of CGI has me covered.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:42, Reply)

A much less twattish Steve Coogan
Would have some of your mannerisms covered.

[edit]

That was meant as a compliment, but reading back it's kind of lost in the "Steve Coogan" bit. How about

"Steve Coogan after a twat-bypass"?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:44, Reply)

It's the thought that counts.
I'm not sure Steve Coogan would survive a twat-bypass.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:47, Reply)

Okay, imagine a cross between a de-twatted Coogan...
...and that Mitchell bloke off the telly.

You've got those bases covered.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:57, Reply)

inb4 al saying Ian Dury

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:08, Reply)

My friend decided Kristen Schaal would play me.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:08, Reply)

I can see that actually...

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:13, Reply)

Not a bad call there.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:43, Reply)

I reckon I'd give Kristen Schaal a good going over
she looks like she might be a bit of a wrong-un
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:45, Reply)

Absolutely.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:47, Reply)

Here's a pic of her holding a giant cock.
www.chicagonow.com/blogs/improvised-blog/kristen-schaal.jpg
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:13, Reply)

Cripes!
I hope you never meet. One of you would have to die.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:59, Reply)

Me: Doone Mackichan
Mum: Julie Walters
Dad: Robson Green
Nana: Germaine Greer
Grandad: Pavarotti
Uncle (Nick): Thavakalai
Aunty (Carla): Laurie Metcalf
Nephew: Napoleon Dynamite
I suppose I should put djtp in this film: Paddy Considine

Dad's side of the family: The cast of Shameless.

It would be a farce.
In the end I would defeat the bullies and become a national treasure.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:13, Reply)

..and then Nick Cage would spend 3 tedious hours searching for you

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:14, Reply)

get in

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:15, Reply)

Get in what?
Do you have a van, are you referring to your vagina, or are you attempting to call that twat from the Holland & Barrett ads who used to be on Blue Peter?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:19, Reply)

It means 'yerse'.

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:22, Reply)

Sigourney Weaver, apparently.
It would be a confusing French arthouse film that didn't make a blind bit of sense, all done to the tune of Grainger's "English Country Garden."
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:15, Reply)

'Get away from my Clematis, you bitch!'
I can totally see this working
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:21, Reply)

I'll let you direct

(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:27, Reply)

Samuel L Jackson
I'm not black, but I really feel that he could make the story of a small blonde boy growing up in rural somerset during the 1980's his own.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:19, Reply)

Damn you
I wanted dibs on Samuel L.

I can imagine him portraying me aged fourteen arguing the toss over a detention for being cheeky which would have added kudos given at the time I was attending a whites only school in Cape Town.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:28, Reply)

Yes, he's so versatile.
Were there any explosions in your childhood?, or were you ever endangered by some unpleasant animals whilst travelling? Y'know slightly irked guinea pigs on a paddle steamer, that sort of thing. We've got to think of our target audience here.
(Cave Duck, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:29, Reply)

There were in mine
I was in Cape Town the very year celebrating Guy Fawkes was legalized.

I got a detention from a prefect for letting off bangers outside class.

Maybe Samuel L could add some twist to it?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:30, Reply)

Harrison Fjord
I can see his glacial beauty mirroring my own.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:23, Reply)

Hmmm
Me: John Simm
Chickenlady: Alex Kingston
Dad: Warren Mitchell
Mum: Annette Crosbie
My Brother: David Soul circa 1980
My nan: Eva Braun
Chickenlady's dad: Father Jack Hackett
My ex wife: Geri Halliwell circa 1997


NB: There's no physical similarity between me and John Simm, but the role demands nothing less than an actor of his calibre.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:26, Reply)

Can I have a photo of your ex wife please?
Geri provided me much comfort in the late 90s.
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:34, Reply)

hmm...
Imagine Geri circa 1997 in very bad light after an evening of pie binging.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:36, Reply)

don't stop I'm almost there!
*huff huff huff*
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:38, Reply)

With bad tattoos
and anger management issues.

*passes kleenex*
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:39, Reply)

Arrgh right in the eyes
*wheels around, arms flailing, trousers around ankles*
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:40, Reply)

I hope you're going to mop that up?

(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:41, Reply)

Alex Kingston, yes. Why have I failed to see this before?

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:46, Reply)

Chickenlady's nose is far cuter though

(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:48, Reply)

This is very true. Better boobs and handbags too!

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:10, Reply)

*BOING!*

(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:13, Reply)

Not David Soul!!!!
Paul Michael Glaser!
actors.pick2web.com/pics/842372/paulmichaelglaser.jpg
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 14:12, Reply)

I've no idea
I'd pick a good actress and ignore the fact she was prettier than me. Cate Blanchett maybe. An uglified Jennifer Connelly. Or Amber off House
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:29, Reply)

I can see Amber from House....
...But she also did White Chicks, which simultaneously sucked AND blew.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:31, Reply)

sounds talented

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:35, Reply)

Hahaha

(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:36, Reply)

and she's blond
so a superficial resemblance right there
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:38, Reply)

Haven't we done this question several times now
C'mon, we're becaming QOTW!
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:30, Reply)

A British version of Danny De Vito (or any other short fat angry bloke)to play me.
Kate Winslett to play my gf.
Rosemary West to play my mother.
Prince Charles to play my father.
Roseanne Barr to play my sister.
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:31, Reply)

That would be Bob Oskins then. Ya cant.

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:44, Reply)

Or Phill Collins?

(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:46, Reply)

Best Hoskins quote:
"Most dictators were short, fat, middle-aged and hairless. Besides Danny Devito, there's only me to play them"
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:47, Reply)

I'd love to see Hoskins play the role of Fatcha

(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:59, Reply)

*professes ignorance*

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:02, Reply)

My imagination was running amok...
...with the whole Dictator / Hoskins thing and I imagined him delivering the "Lady's not for turning" speech in cockney twang.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:12, Reply)

I would pay money to see this.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:14, Reply)

Alright, I'll do a serious answer in the hope that it will break my own tedium;
Me: That bloke from Road Trip, you know, the really skinny, awkward one, except that I'd keep him locked in a dark cellar for a few weeks with nothing but an audio tape of me saying 'you're a cunt' on constantly as preparation.
My daughter: Gary Coleman's corpse.
Her Mum: a toothpick covered in shit
My family: A group of unknown scottish actors prone to outbreaks of fighting and alcoholism.
My ex: A young Monica Belluci, on psycho-tropic substances

It would be a very black, ironic comedy. Main plot points would be rape, paedophilia, mental illness and hilarious awkward social embarrassment.

The soundtrack would be me quietly strangling a kitten as background noise throughout
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:34, Reply)

Sounds like an Iain Banks novel. Only shitter.
Can I direct?
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:46, Reply)

Sorry
I've already got David Kronenbourg lined up, he has some interesting ideas for the vomiting digitally animated haribo sweets on my naked sister sequence
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:51, Reply)

I bet he doesn't have the ideas I do.
About your daughter.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:56, Reply)

Her role will be a somewhat difficult one to master
I'm going to have Coleman's corpse attached to a bungee, and just fling him passed the cameras at odd intervals
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:58, Reply)

The dude who played Sawyer in Lost
because I wish I was as rugged and manly AND OH GOD SAWYER JUST TAKE ME IN YOUR STRONG ARMS NOW..

Erm.
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:35, Reply)

Oh baby now we're talking
Can't you be Jack instead?
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:49, Reply)

Hi I'm Jack from Lost and I box, drive sports cars with ladies in and I moisturise, there's nothing gay about that
NOTHING GAY AT ALL

I'm Jack from Lost.
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:55, Reply)

Totally moist right now

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:12, Reply)

*holds up picture of Hurley*

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:17, Reply)

Brittany daniel from dawson's creek
My brothers would be played by owen and luke wilson
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:48, Reply)

Seeeeet Valleh, Sweeeet Valleh Hiiiiiiiiigh!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:49, Reply)

Nah wrong hair
Don't approve of her nose in that either
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:52, Reply)

I loved Sweet Valley High

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:56, Reply)

I would be played by Kathy Burke.
My film would be all brutal and gritty with a punk and ska soundtrack. My mum would be played by that German opera singer who's name escapes me, Uta somethingorother and my dad would be played by Peirce Brosnan.

The main plot would be inability to find love highlighted against the bleak northern landscape. I will probably have a miscarriage and get beaten up at some point, (poetic licence).
( girlinthehole, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:00, Reply)

God that sounds depressing
but don't put yourself down, you're no Kathy Burke.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:02, Reply)

I like Kathy Burke.

( girlinthehole, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:06, Reply)

I meant looks-wise
in terms of sense of humour though, you're nowhere near as funny
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:07, Reply)

I know : (
But thanks for the compliment.
( girlinthehole, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:09, Reply)

Utha Joyce!



Ok ok, Ute Lemper?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:02, Reply)

That's the one.
Lemper, but I like the idea of Utha Joyce as my mum.
( girlinthehole, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:04, Reply)

YOOTHA Joyce. Cuh. Bloody kids.

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:15, Reply)

I KNOW HOW IT'S SPELT
I was trying to make it look like Ute Lemper.
*sighs* Grandads...
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:26, Reply)

Haha!
I thought it was spelt strangely.
( girlinthehole, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:30, Reply)

remember the girl who was Dusty on that tribute act competition on BBC1 a few years back?
She was the image of Mildred
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:36, Reply)

I have a vague recollection of that. *smile*

( girlinthehole, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:40, Reply)

Eh? What? I can't see you properly Ar Roota.

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 2 Jul 2010, 14:11, Reply)

*ROARS INTO HEARING AID*
"I'M BORROWING THE MONEY OUT THE TEA CADDY. OK?"
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 14:13, Reply)

You'd have to have lots of parties.
And an extended scene set in the Hacienda.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:03, Reply)

Where I have an overdose.
Or a leg trembler with a bouncer round the back.
( girlinthehole, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:04, Reply)

With cameos from Peter Hook and Barney Sumner

(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:07, Reply)

Fo sho!
I've actually only ever been to the Hacienda once.

Cracking night though.
( girlinthehole, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:08, Reply)

Peter Captain

or alternatively, Dr
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:08, Reply)

A bit like Rita and Sue.
Without the funny bits.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:11, Reply)

YES!!!!

( girlinthehole, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:11, Reply)

Wonder who'll be Bob?

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:16, Reply)

Begins with J and ends with eff.

( girlinthehole, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:17, Reply)

But you'd have to share!
Or perhaps write in a best friend murder.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:19, Reply)

I'd share Jeff as long as I got a piece of him.

( girlinthehole, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:23, Reply)

Aw bless.
You really are a selfless blousey.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:25, Reply)

*nods*

( girlinthehole, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:30, Reply)

River Phoenix.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:36, Reply)

I was going to suggest a certain..
...mismatch-eyed 'cracked actor' to take the role of your good self.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 14:08, Reply)

The film of my life has already been made.
Eraserhead.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:45, Reply)

BLACK. THE TOP GUN ATHEM PLAYS.
VO: In 1980 a baby was born. The baby became a man, who became an old man, who became a God. This is his story.

STARRING:

Michael Caine as "Old, looking back on his life, DiT"
Shia The Beef as "Young, wisecracking, not-at-all irritating DiT"
Joanna Lumley as "Old, but still inexplicably hot and sexually active Flim Flam the Magnificent"
Scarlett Johansson as "Look, basically she's eye candy and no-one can quite believe she's with DiT, and she doesn't have much to do other than look at DiT like he's a hero, young Flim Flam the Magnificent"

FEATURING:

Sue Johnson as "Mum"
Timothy Spall as "Dad"
David Frost as "Arsehole Stepdad"
Bob Carolgees as "Potentially gay Stepdad #2"
Robert De Niro as "Maybe Mum finally got it right Stepdad #3"

ALSO WITH:

The Queen as "Gran"
David Niven as "Papa"

INTRODUCING:

Optimus Prime as "Himself"

DIRECTED BY:

Michael "This Shit Just Got Real" Bay
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:49, Reply)

I knew you wouldn't let us down

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:52, Reply)

Your mum has a weird taste in men.
Does she post on B3ta?
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 13:54, Reply)

Very much no.
Also, the people haven't been selected for their looks, with the exception of Frost (but think Frost from the 60s) and Carolgees. Just for how they'd carry the character of a) a sweaty drunk (who looked like Benny Andersen in his youth) and b) a cool ex fireman.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 14:03, Reply)

Me thinks you doth protest too much.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 14:05, Reply)

Totally agreeing with Robert De Niro

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 15:41, Reply)