Segway boss dies after plunging off cliff into a river (on a Segway)
Jimi Heselden, 62, fell into a river while riding an electric upright two-wheeler. It's reported that the multi-millionaire lost control of one of his Segway device while riding around his North Yorkshire estate and rode off a cliff and into the River Wharfe.

Well...

How would you like to shuffle off this mortal coil?
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 11:59, 36 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

with as much irony as I can muster

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 11:59, Reply)

^ this
although as long as it doesn't hurt very much and I get to keep my marbles, I don't really care.
(berk, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 12:06, Reply)

I'd like to be noshed to death by a midget prostitute.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 12:03, Reply)

death by snoo snoo!

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 12:05, Reply)

Parental advice from America
www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/8026340/Policeman-stages-fake-arrest-of-boy-for-having-sex-with-his-daughter.html
(PsychoChomp, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 12:26, Reply)

Well, I guess that's ok as long as "Everything was done in the spirit of reaching a troubled young man who is heading down the wrong path."
Though it was his stepdaughter, so I suspect the policeman was just jealous that somebody else got in there first.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 12:28, Reply)

Somewhat redolent of TV hard man Billy Murray's kidnap
and torture of some fellows he believed to have sold his daughter drugs.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 12:30, Reply)

I think that's entirely fine, myself.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 12:46, Reply)

I'm shuffling off my mortal coil as I type this

( broadsword, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 12:08, Reply)

"Man killed in bizarre hat accident"
If that's not my obituary, I have failed.
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 12:08, Reply)

Not really bothered but I don't want to
be burnt to death or buried alive. I would quite like to be shot in the head and not know it's coming. No pain, no worrying just BLAM!
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 12:09, Reply)

When my time comes, I think i'd like to take everyone with me
a bit like Charlton Heston at the end of "Beneath the planet of the apes" where he sets off the big gold nuke that the humans worship.

Yeah, I think I could die happy knowing that I had wiped out the planet.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 12:13, Reply)

Having thought about it, I'd rather not thanks. I'll go with the immortality option.

(Cave Duck, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 12:13, Reply)

me too!
So far so good.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 12:59, Reply)

Taking as many infidels with me as possible.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 12:14, Reply)

When I go, everyone and everything else goes anyway, from the ants to the stars, they'll all be gone.
SO NOBODY BEST BETTER KILL ME.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 12:17, Reply)

Bleeding to death
From wounds sustained while fighting and slaying eight grizzly bears with my bare hands.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 12:19, Reply)

Or with a courgette
like this woman?
(berk, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 12:21, Reply)

Tsk, they say "courgette"
but that has blatently grown into a marrow
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 12:23, Reply)

that would be because meerkans call courgettes "zucchini"
so it's not actually what we think of as a courgette.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 12:45, Reply)

I read the headline and thought it was awesome
Then I realised all she did was chuck some veg at a small bear. Not good enough.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 12:23, Reply)

The vegetable in question looks familiar...

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 12:25, Reply)

It does appear to have an itchy end

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 13:01, Reply)

Why, do women often fling veg at you?

(berk, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 13:15, Reply)

like Aeschylus
but instead of a tortoise a robot tortoise to bring it into the 21st C
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 12:22, Reply)

Aprocryphal.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 12:34, Reply)

Could so have happened
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 12:41, Reply)

Sorry, might I be able to have that in English, please?
Thanks awfully.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 12:51, Reply)

Wasn't that the one where an eagle snatched up a tortoise
but then as it flew away it dropped it and it landed on Aeschylus and killed him?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 13:03, Reply)

I would like to be snuggled to death by a big man wearing an Arun sweater.
Fanku!
( girlinthehole, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 12:33, Reply)

Monty B probably has an Aryan sweater, if that's any use.

(Cave Duck, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 12:42, Reply)

He could hum Deutschland Deutschland uber alles as my life slowly ebbs away.

( girlinthehole, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 12:50, Reply)

Not at all thanks
but if I had to then something either bizarre or noble, but in either case painless
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 12:34, Reply)

Being shot by a jellous husband.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 12:39, Reply)

I think he'll have trouble aiming straight.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 12:44, Reply)

officelolz

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 13:04, Reply)