i know this feeling
i am always the one who gets sent to meet clients etc because i can talk to anyone and make them laugh.

unless i fancy someone, when it's total watermelon time.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 14:55, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

wtf is Watermelon time?

(PsychoChomp, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 14:56, Reply)

Imagine the situation...
He/she is gorgeous, and seems to like you!
You try to make conversation...it seemed to easy the other night talking that boy/girl at the party...what's wrong with you?
Why do you feel so awkward?
There's a very pregnant pause in the conversation.
PANIC.
Reach into your bag and retrieve the EMERGENCY WATERMELON.
Cut a hole in it and put it over your head to hide your embarrassed face and allow you to disappear into your mental Safe Place, oblivious to the world around you and the accusing silence of the object of your desires.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 14:59, Reply)

this is beautifully bizarre

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:00, Reply)

Tests have proven conclusively that it makes the problem go away.
(Insofar as they will get up and walk away when they realise you are refusing to receive communication from within the watermelon.)
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:11, Reply)

I thought it was:
"shit I can't think of anything to say,
time for my party trick of juggling watermelons"
(PsychoChomp, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:01, Reply)

you were absolutely right
because i habitually stand there talking to hot men whilst bouncing a breast in each hand.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:14, Reply)

I cannot understand how this technique could fail.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:18, Reply)

I was going to say the same thing, but it's hard to type as fast with only one hand...

(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:18, Reply)

I think it works better in real-life Crow
Rather that you being that blown away by Wookiee that you've got to jiggle your jugs whilst typing,
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:24, Reply)

His wrists are far too limp to juggle that kind of mass anyway.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:26, Reply)

You're twistin' my melon man.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:02, Reply)

have you never seen "dirty dancing" ?
when she is so stunned by patrick swayze that all she can think of to say is "i carried a watermelon" ???

that is what i meant!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:12, Reply)

No one puts Jeff in the corner.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:17, Reply)

Is 'Watermelon time' what I think it is?
I've got a mate who has spent a lot of time in Thailand, he was telling me about it.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 14:57, Reply)

Ugh, this
I hate it so so much that I can't think of anything to say to people I like.
(berk, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 14:58, Reply)

It's worse than that.
Your brain is frantically testing and rejecting conversational gambits and then they say something to which you could reply in a fantastically witty fashion and you miss it and you end up saying "Errrrm, yeah, I quite like cheese."
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:02, Reply)

Or you say something and start laughing
and realise, almost in slow mo, you can feel the ha-ha - ha falling out of your mouth whilst your brain jumps up and down frantically trying to get your attention, saying 'it really wasn't that funny. Or funny at all. Now would be a good time to stop laughing'
(berk, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:07, Reply)

or the awful speaking at the same time
and doing the stopping/starting thing, until you're both left with nothing to say except smile awkwardly
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:10, Reply)

I rarely get that
but the inappropriate laughing and/or inappropriate talking of bollocks, oh definitely.
(berk, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:13, Reply)

Take some cue cards with you everywhere.
Cover them with interesting and witty phrases and get them out whenever you talk to someone you find attractive.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:08, Reply)

This is a terrible idea.
Flowcharts are the way forward.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:11, Reply)

^ This. It needs a logical thread.
You don't want to have to order her a beer while knowledgeably saying "Why, I believe it was Benjamin Franklin who claimed that 'Beer is proof that god loves us and wants to be happy,'"
only to find the next card in the pile lumbers you with,
"Erm...so did you know that a platypus can sense small electric fields with its bill?"
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:13, Reply)

I think I have my dragons den idea.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:15, Reply)

I think it has merit
So long as the user keeps the set for "chatting up those with an interest in American history" separate from the one for "chatting up biologists with a particular interest in monotremes."
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:17, Reply)

i'd pay you both a year of my salary
if it ever ever ever got you laid (by anyone with all 5 senses functioning fully and who isn't a complete moose)
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:19, Reply)

I wonder how many people on here would sleep with me for £50k

(PsychoChomp, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:21, Reply)

this is clever and i have actually clicked "i like this"
i mean, not clever enough to make it worthwhile sleeping with you for a lousy £50k, but still.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:24, Reply)

A 'lousy' 50k?
*weeps* I'm not going to tell you how many multiples of my current salary that is...
(berk, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:26, Reply)

only lousy in the context of having to sleep with psychochomp to earn it.
now re-assess your answer, and i think you'll agree.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:28, Reply)

the question was
would you sleep with Pyschochomp for it?
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:30, Reply)

Hah, it's an easy win.
Question 1 on flowchart: Will you sleep with me for £50k? If YES, go to FUCKING. If NO, go to MELON ON HEAD.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:27, Reply)

Hahahaha

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:33, Reply)

All bets are off, we have POTD.

(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:53, Reply)

Now there's a top-notch opening line.
"I was just wondering, do you prefer American history or platypuses platypi platypodes fuck it, kittens?"
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:22, Reply)

I think it's a great idea,
if my sense of shame wasn't so well honed, I think it could work in a chatting up scenario. It's funny it's a bit of thearter and it's novel, women love that shit.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:14, Reply)

by the time you got them out
they'd have left you on a flimsy pretext
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:16, Reply)

'I have to wash my hair'

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:17, Reply)

'it's raining in thailand and i don't have an umbrella'

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:18, Reply)

'I'm pretty sure my longlost dad just walked past the window'

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:21, Reply)

sorry my mobile is ringing
what? no no, it's just on silent, that's why you couldn't hear it.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:22, Reply)

The beauty of fake calls.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:24, Reply)

god yes

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:27, Reply)

Pfft
I don't think I've ever had to do that.
(berk, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:28, Reply)

I've only had to use it the once
I always accidentally activate it in my pocket though, and get all excited cos I think someone's ringing me.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:29, Reply)

haven't used in ages
but last time it was a godsend. Though I had texted surreptitiously the words 'ring me' to a friend
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:31, Reply)

i do this when i get taxi drivers who won't stop talking to me about shite

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:34, Reply)

Perhaps it's just the quality of the men you attract
for me at least the quantity is so small that the quality is irrelevant!
(berk, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:35, Reply)

I hardly have a large quantity!
I've used the 'ring me' thing about three times in about 6 years.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:45, Reply)

I think someone's ringing me
it's on vibrate.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:32, Reply)

left you on a flimsy pretext put a defensive watermelon over their head
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:19, Reply)

Is it a reference to Dirty Dancing?
"I carried a watermelon"?
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:10, Reply)

well done!!!

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:13, Reply)

What do I win?

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:18, Reply)

pride
and the knowledge that you knew more than these male muppets!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:19, Reply)

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
MY KNOWLEDGE OF DIRTY DANCING IS BELOW THAT OF RACHELSWIPE AND APPLEBITE
(PsychoChomp, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:25, Reply)

you just hate applebite knowing more than you
on any subject
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:27, Reply)

Nope, I'm sure she knows a whole lot more than me on a number of subjects.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:31, Reply)

she still won't sleep with you
not even if you give her more than a 50% cut
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:33, Reply)

she'd want a bigger cut.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:48, Reply)

i know your ideal response to this would be +n
but we all know it's cut penis
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:50, Reply)