Here's some advice, direct from me to you.
Don't taste brown puddles under the fridge.

Don't fry chips in fairy liquid.

Don't put dirty crockery in the laundry basket when drunk, then forget you've done it and let someone else do your laundry. They won't like it. Nor will the washing machine.

Always - no,never stand on a swivelly chair to change a lightbulb.

Don't use a carving knife to cut up lemons when making your fifth gin and tonic.

Never poke your tongue out at a policeman.

Never use paprika where the recipe calls for cinnamon.

If you own a 16-inch peppermill, don't talk about it in public. Even if it really is a 16-inch peppermill and not an enormous cock

Don't eat gravy and icecream at the same time.

And finally...gentlemen, here's one for you - don't spluff on navy blue velvet.

semen is such a persistent stain...
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 14:45, 26 replies)

Urgh
Lemon in G&T. Lime, surely?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 14:51, closed)

@hlt
I'm guessing you know all this from bitter, drunken experience?

On the latter point, never have a crafty shuffle and then bugger off down the pub without checking your T-shirt. That is all.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 14:51, closed)

@ Enzyme
well, you know, sometimes lemons.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 14:52, closed)

Lemons...
iff you've run out of limes, and have no tequila and salt.

Otherwise... you might just as well use orange. And that really is horrible.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 14:53, closed)

Swivel chair and lightbulb...
Holds hand up.
( girlinthehole, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 14:55, closed)

What happens...
...if you stick your tongue out at a policeman?
( scoshi pretending to diet since, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 14:56, closed)

You're being
quite frank today, HLT.

Are these all things you have gained from personal experience?

By the way, the last one doesn't only apply to velvet. Any absorbent, dark coloured fabric is a problem. Or so I believe.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 14:58, closed)

Orange, blurgh!
I would never commit such crimes against gin!

edit@k - maybe...
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 14:58, closed)

I want to know
the policeman story!

*jumps up and down*

*wets himself*
( Bazongaloid, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 14:59, closed)

*sigh* I know.
I have a set of dark green flannel sheets that I absolutely love. The only problem is that if you have sex on them they show it.

So when I have them on my bed they almost immediately look like they need washing...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 24 Jun 2008, 15:02, closed)

*waves*
.
*mops up under al*

hlt - you forgot one : never tie your shoelaces in a revolving door.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Tue 24 Jun 2008, 15:02, closed)

Never mind the policeman story
I want to know who, or indeed what, was wearing the blue velvet. Do tell HLT.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 24 Jun 2008, 15:02, closed)

Lightbulb
I have stood on a swivel chair to change a lightbulb. In fact, it was a swivel chair on wheels. On top of a table.

The ceilings were high. What were the alternatives?



I don't think I've ever stuck my tongue out at a policeman - but I was in Endinburgh for NY 1999/2000, and I think I may have kissed one.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 15:05, closed)

@Loon
Only use those sheets when you've pissed your girlfriend off and then they won't get dirty ; )
( girlinthehole, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 15:05, closed)

meeting now.
policeman later.
bye!
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 15:08, closed)

Right
lets imagine what the policeman story is and see if hers is better when she gets back.
( Bazongaloid, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 15:11, closed)

I suspect she was only 6 at the time.
Still, they don't like it when you do it to them.
( girlinthehole, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 15:13, closed)

@BGB
Nah, with a cheeky face like HLT's? She was at least old enough to vote, I reckon.

And the story must involve a truncheon.

And possibly handcuffs.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 15:27, closed)

I reckon
the tongue was stuck out into a place that surprised the policeman, I think the fact that he was a policeman was really by the by and just a red herring. I think said surprise led to an unexpected discharge, directly at the face of hlt.

Hence her aversion to sticking tongues into surprising places.
( Bazongaloid, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 15:34, closed)

.
"never stand on a swivelly chair to change a lightbulb."
I once stood on a swivelly chair which was resting on a bed when trying to fix a broken extractor-fan.

"Never use paprika where the recipe calls for cinnamon."
Ouch.

"And finally...gentlemen, here's one for you - don't spluff on navy blue velvet."
Bill Clinton could have saved his dignity by not doing that.


@K2k6
Did that truncheon disperse pepper?
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 16:21, closed)

@spakka
Dunno about his truncheon, but mine dispenses something more akin to mayonnaise than pepper.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 16:43, closed)

@K2k6
Join the club of people who'se truncheons disperse something unusual. Mine does Spunkchup and Kaol's does Aftersun.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 17:11, closed)

policeman story will appear tomorrow.
I am going to write it tonight. it will be my masterpiece.

you're all going to be in it, btw.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 17:31, closed)

*click*
for genius. I've done most of those. Not policeman though.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Tue 24 Jun 2008, 21:42, closed)

Excellent advice
Not sure if I should pass this on to my daughter...
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 11:11, closed)

The story
Part one has been posted here. The rest of the parts will probably be posted further down.
EDIT: Part 2 is here.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 12:22, closed)