Roman numerals
Dad called me a while ago-

"Where's the key for the Roman numeral 1?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know, 1 in Roman numerals"

"You mean i?" *click*

Bless.
(Crayola Oblongata Is it Monday?, Fri 22 Sep 2006, 15:48, Reply)

An honest mistake
I too once ordered a DH0010000100000111001 component when I really wanted a DH00100001001001110011! The embarrassment! I cut off all my limbs in shame and vowed to be a limbless monk.
(frankspencer, Fri 22 Sep 2006, 15:38, Reply)

Hey, if you're reusing the questions...
Parents are stupid
First post...blah blah blah

Last year my parents finally took the plunge and bought a computer to get on this t'internet that everyone was talking about. Having managed to set the thing up themselves they called on their dilligent son (me) for a crash course in using the internet. To be fair they picked things up quicker than I thought they would and were off surfing in no time.

I went back a week later for Sunday dinner and asked if everything was ok with the computer. "Fine", my dad replied. My mum just gave me a sheepish look. Later that afternoon I logged on to their computer to check my emails and was flabbergasted to see that their internet history was full of gay pr0n sites.

"Er, why are all these sites in your history?" I asked - visions of my dad, a gimp and a family tragedy filling my head.

"That's your fault!", piped up my mum indignantly. You said if I typed "Hot male" into the search engine it would take me to the email login".

"That would be m-a-i-l, mum".

"Oh".

Thing is there were loads of sites. She'd obviously tried dozens of links.



Absolutely 100% Stolen. But you liked it the last time someone posted it!
(Ultimo LJ, Fri 22 Sep 2006, 15:37, Reply)

Disasterprone?
You got a problem with me and my stories? You seem to know them better than I do myself. It's nice that you're taking such an interest in my life. Next chapter will keep you interested - I'm emigrating to Oz to marry a B3tan - but of course you'll think that I'm just making it up or copied the idea off a website..... Still - should give me some more interesting tales to tell.

ObTale.

BarBitch, my friend, personal shopper and bar-person extrodinaire has given me an interesting idea to try. She was complaining about the state of my keyboard (it was a tad grimey) and wanted to know why I didn't put it through the dishwasher. Apparently she has put hers through several times on the advice of an IT guy from work and it works a treat.

You know what I'm going to have to do now don't you? So if I'm missing for a while it didn't work and I'm digging out a new keyboard from my junk pile in the spare room....


Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 22 Sep 2006, 15:36, Reply)

My lovely Ol' Mum
My mum has started up her own small buisness, its a cattery and as she used to be a vet and loves animals its going quite well. She made herself a wee office in the basement of her house to do all the admin, but had some trouble at first with the computer, no not any of the office stuff she does all that by hand (Why buy a computer and have me install all the Office software?). She wanted to rip music off the net and put it onto CD to listen too whilst out in the cattery. It took us an afternoon and I actually made her up classroom like exercises to do, she even took notes. She thought she would never be able to learn how to use her "Expensive paperweight" and is now looking at ripping DvD's, I love my Pirate Mum.
( Laird Dave Draws Now charges to take off his clothes., Fri 22 Sep 2006, 15:35, Reply)

not computers...
...just technology. but hey, most of you fuckers aren't even attempting to answer the question.

my girlfriend and i were visiting her octagenarian grandparents a few months ago and were told about a problem with their freeview box. my girlfriend's dad had been round earlier in the day, had a fiddle about with it and couldn't find a problem so he recommended they call out an engineer to fix it.

in an attempt to earn some brownie points with the GFs family, i decided to have a look. i got down on my hands and knees to see which cables were which and as my hand brushed against the SCART plug in the back of the freeview box, the TV screen suddenly sprung back to life.

turns out the cable had been ever so slightly loose and her dad didn't have a clue what he was supposed to be looking at, so didn't really bother. they think the sun shines out of his arse so they took his word as gospel that it was fucked and could only be fixed by an expensive, qualified engineer.

i was immediately hailed as a technological genius!

ok, shit story, but what else have i got to do on a friday afternoon?

/cock
(secretsquirrel, Fri 22 Sep 2006, 15:33, Reply)

Grandad.
Mrs. Kourosism's grandad bought himself a laptop a few years ago. After much time spent talking him through it, he managed to send his first email, which he sent to me at my home address. He was rather disappointed when I didn't reply to let him know I'd received it (I was stood next to him at the time).

About a year ago he upgraded to a desktop, with a bigger screen, more memory, bigger hard drive etc.

He uploads photos from his digital camera onto the machine, and has begun scanning in photos from the war over as well. He makes his own newsletter for the Neighbourhood Watch on it, writes more emails than I do, and has even got to grips with upgrading the software on his recently purchased TomTom.

Considering he's on the other side of 90, I'd suggest he's doing very well. In the Oldie Vs. Computer battle, I think Gramps is winning.
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Fri 22 Sep 2006, 15:27, Reply)

I've got the fish again!
My mother is the world's biggest technophobe. At the present moment I'd say she's probably reached the peak of her potential computer expertise, crouching over our cruddy family computer, typing with one finger and looking petrified as if the thing's going to blow up at any moment. This amazing proficiency was the result of an evening class at the local adult college, "Windows for Dummies" or something like that. Holed up in a computer lab with several other geriatric technophobes, it must have been hell. Anyway, halfway through the first lesson there was a shriek from behind her computer.

There's a fish on my screen! How do I get rid of the fish? ARRRRGGHH!

It was the screensaver. Although the teacher patiently explained on several occasions that all one had to do was to move the mouse or something, my mother could never seem to remember this and constantly had to call him over because she'd "got the fish again" and had to ask how to "get rid of the fish".

She's known as "The Fish Lady".
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Fri 22 Sep 2006, 15:25, Reply)

she's not exactly old
but i get the feeling that this question will decend into stories of computer abuse regardless of age anyway...

my sister having recently bought a PSP decided she would use the card reader in her laptop to put some songs on the memory stick, taking note of the fact that her card reader is compatable with memory sticks but not realising that the slot is the size of an SD card and therefore she needed an adapter jams the memory stick right in there, i get a call from her because after she noticed it was stuck her boyfriend tried to free it with a paperclip and now that was stuck too and the laptop wouldnt start up

i just wish she had came to me before getting a PSP, i would have told her to get a DS instead, of course after showing her my DS she is well aware of how the DS is far superior and wishes she had one

P.S dont like with this weeks question? then click here to show your unhappyness

apolgies for the length, i was dumped recently and i just dont feel in the mood
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Fri 22 Sep 2006, 15:25, Reply)

Foxed by oldy
I’ve been an IT journalist for over a decade and know a thing or six about computers but one mistake has ruined my reputation as a techy guru.

I’d got a new laptop and was giving my old one to Mum for her 60th. One problem, I couldn’t get the thing to make a sound, it was as though the sound card had completely died.

I tried everything; reinstalled drivers for the soundcard, ran diagnostic software, checked for any bugs or malware and eventually wiped the hard drive seven times and reinstalled the operating system from scratch. Still nothing. Eventually had to admit defeat (in the face of an immovable deadline) and apologise for the state of the thing.

One week later I get a call from a very smug-sounding parent.

"You know that sound problem? Well there’s a little volume control wheel on the side that seems to have fixed it…”

Every bloody Christmas since she’s bought it up. It’s enough to make you weep.
(paxvobiscum, Fri 22 Sep 2006, 15:25, Reply)

well,.
i was in a club with my mate Benty, when we met seventeen beautiful girls, and 1 who had been cross-bred with a mule. i bet benty he couldn't get into the pants of the mule-girl, but he did, leaving me seventeen pert heaving breasted nymphs. when I got them home one of them ordered a type DH0010000100000111001 component when really they wanted a DH00100001001001110011! The twat! hahahahahahaha. And it really happened, no, honestly it did. And I really haven't spent all the time since I got fired for blogging (wanna see my p45, this happened too. honest) looking at websites trying to accumulate realy funny non-geeky stories as social camouflage.

I remain,

Legless The World's Most Interesting Man Behind Steve Davis


lalalalalalalalalalala

Although he has a point re teenage poetry.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Fri 22 Sep 2006, 15:20, Reply)

hilarious IT jape
I work in tech support and the most hilarious things happen to us everyday. Just yesterday someone in the sales department called up:

Sales: Oi, dickweed. My machine's crashed.

Me: That's Mr Dickweed to you! (My witty reposte!)

Sales: Right. Are you going to fix it?

Me: Well, I'm a little busy right now rebooting the Magimix System to be compatible with ...

Sales: Spare me that shite. Fix my machine.

Me: OK, can you reinstall the motherboard transcyber gigabyte activator by jumpstarting the sound card ...?

Sales: You've got ten seconds before I come up there and kick your speccy face in, dickweed.

Me: I'm on my way. (That told him!)
(frankspencer, Fri 22 Sep 2006, 15:16, Reply)

Gay Porn
I bought my GF a brand new Dell Inspiron 1300 (which is utter shit BTW) to use while surfing the net because I was fed up of her wanting to check her emails etc on my Mac (incase she should stumble across any of my pr0n).

Anyway, after a few weeks of trouble free surfing she starts having problems with the wireless thingamy not connecting unless you type in the web128 key (twice) each time you want to connect, which is very annoying indeed.

Anyway x 2, the good news is that I manage to fix it (select authenticate BEFORE windows start-up) and all was well. It hasn't exploded yet either, which is nice....

The bad news is that I found many many many links, cookies, IE history relating to man-pron and gay sex etc...

As a great pr0n enthusiast, should I ask her about it or just pretend it never happened?

PS, this QOTW is shit. At least Lt Columbo hasn't piped up yet! (Give him time, the lying bastard)

Sorry for nothing. You clique-ey cunt sniffers.
(aroe_m0rre, Fri 22 Sep 2006, 15:13, Reply)

Part of my job is to teach old fuckers how to use a computer.
I don't know much myself.

Often when showing them how to use a mouse and keyboard for the first time, I hear 'never mind all that how do I get on this internet thingy I keep hearing about?'.

Bless them. But if it wasn't for them I'd be out of a job.
( heymister, Fri 22 Sep 2006, 15:13, Reply)

My friend worked in tech support
and got a call from a gentleman whose computer "wasn't reading the CD he'd put in it". After spending close to an hour going through all the various system settings that could have affected the CD drive's performance, and finding nothing wrong, he asked out of desperation, "eject the CD and give it a clean, dust on the shiny side could stop it being read."

"why would dust on the shiny side hurt, I've got the CD with the writing facing down so the computer can read the text on it...."

Genius
(captainwow No, not that one!, Fri 22 Sep 2006, 15:12, Reply)

Mutinous Dogs!
Get back in your boxes! If I had to put up with that Crap Poetry QOTW then you can put up with this one...

ObTale.

Last night I was rung up by a nice lady who wanted some advice. She wanted me to build her a web page that consisted solely of affiliate advertising links and nothing else. She was convinced that she was about to make her first million by all of those millions of users on the internet coming to her page to click her links.

She couldn't understand when I tried to tell her that nobody would ever visit her page unless she put some content up there - some reason for people to visit her page. In the end she got quite offended when I refused to take her money to build a pointless page. She ended the call warning me not to steal her idea and said she would get a "professional" computer person to give her what she wanted.

Meh!
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 22 Sep 2006, 15:12, Reply)

That is not a small number!
My family was visiting my aunt and uncle, who were having trouble with their computer. It ran very slowly, it made strange noises, and several programs had just stopped working.

"Okay, so lets do a virus scan," says my sister.

"Vi...rus... scan?"

Apparently, they didn't even HAVE a virus checker. Great.

So, she manages to download a free virus checker, though it takes over an hour even though they had a high speed connection.

Ding! Virus! Yay, problem solved! But lets finish the scan, anyway.

Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! About 40 dings later (no word of a lie) the entire computer is scanned. A grand total of 47 viruses, all on the one little computer.

How did this happen? My youngest cousin had been randomly downloading programs for his palm pilot, and hadn't thought it strange that the programs disapeared once he'd downloaded them.

To top it all off, he asked if "while you're downloading things," we could download something for him to share music, like e-mule or limewire. Ummmmm... NO!!
(dragonrose, Fri 22 Sep 2006, 15:11, Reply)

My parents
Unfortunately, I have to do all the PC work for my parents, as they're less computer literate than chimps. My dad insists on calling a hard drive, a "hard", and my mum doesn't realise that you have to click on the subject line of an email to open it.

Oh, and they both do that horribly irritating overly deliberate double click, where it sounds like they're trying to crush the mouse button.
(LickOutTheJamsMotherfuckers!, Fri 22 Sep 2006, 15:08, Reply)

Pearoast from the"My computer gave away my secrets" QOTW.
I was daft enough to get both my Mum and my Dad a computer each. They're divorced, it's so inconvenient to make them share one...

One day while trying to find a file my Dad had lost (turns out it was on a CD, never actually on the hard disk) I came across some pictures of ladies in the all-together. Fair play to him I say. And would have left it at that.

Except about 10 seconds after my discovery he comes barreling up the stairs, incoherently blabbering something about not looking in a certain folder because "I've already checked there".

I took some perverse pleasure in saying "You're right, it's just full of porn."
(Woodgie is back, but for how long?, Fri 22 Sep 2006, 15:06, Reply)

we aren't all computer geeks
and this is the geekiest most pointless urban legend producing geekfest ever (God alone knows what fucking Legless The Man With The World's Most Exciting And Entertaining Life Even Though Most Of It Is Spent On Line will make up for this one).

Where are the injuries? Where's the embarrassment? Where's the humour? "Oh, some fuckwit ordered a type DH0010000100000111001 component when really they wanted a DH00100001001001110011! The twat! hahahahahahaha

Read the suggestion board! So much good stuff! B3TA QOTW is in danger of being bloody awful. Quit the geekery! Please!

Clicking "I like this" will make it happen!
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Fri 22 Sep 2006, 15:04, Reply)