I once opened a wine bottle.
Ok, not too exciting really, but let me explain.

It was a drunken night, and some how some one had broken the bloody corkscrew. Now, from a kid, I have called this 'E.T'. You know the one, the corkscrew with the oval head, and 2 little arms down the side. The thing was, the little arm things did not work. Goodness knows how, but it bloody worked 2 bottles ago, but it sure as buggery did not now. When you pushed down on the little arms after the screw is firmly in the cork, all there was was a clanking sound. But -I thought to myself- it is in there now, what should I do. Its the only corkscrew I have! I know, put the bottle between my knees, and pull as hard as I can on the device, therefore pulling the cork out. Easy!

I tugged! Nothing. I tightened the grip on my knees, folded my hands around 'E.T'. And strained, and strained, then... POP. AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! The cork had come out, but the sharp edge of the corkscrew landed firmly on my gums, cutting them real deep. Literally *this* close to hitting and knocking out a good 3 front teeth.

It tished, blood everywhere. Never felt anything like it. I could rub my tongue into the groove, and make little flappy bits of gum come away. It took ages to rinse my mouth out. Gnarly.

So let that be a lesson, always have a backup corkscrew, and never attempt anything like that EVER!
( @RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Tue 3 Aug 2010, 17:00, 5 replies)

Don't
get a job as a waiter.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Tue 3 Aug 2010, 17:23, closed)

I was a barman for a bit...

( @RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Tue 3 Aug 2010, 17:32, closed)

Three words:
Swiss Army Knife.
I carry one always apart from when flying. The corkscrew is pretty feeble but it does the job and bottle opener and tin opener come in handy too -- not to mention the screwdrivers, scissors, pliers and tweezers on my cybertool.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Tue 3 Aug 2010, 17:46, closed)

What do you call a woman,
that can put the dinner in with here left arm, do the dishes with her right, hoover with her right foot and polish with the left?



A swiss army wife.
( @RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Tue 3 Aug 2010, 17:56, closed)

In the event of a backup corkscrew failure you can open wine bottles using a shoe and a handy wall, the instructions are on youtube
(Banjax, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 12:57, closed)