being a barman
Heres my guide to ettiquette:

1) If your barman tells you the barrel is empty and is just off to change it, do not sigh, its an unavoidable occurance in drinking draught you twunt.
1a) If i change it and continue with your already half poured pint, do not ask for a fresh one, what could have possibly changed in the beer in the meantime?

2) Say please and thank you, we reserve the right to refuse service to anyone, beleive me, i've done it before, i'll bloody well do it again.

3) Now heres a tricky one, if you require service FACE the bar, and hold out some form of currency/ empty glass. Dont wave it, im not a bookie, and dear god, dont continue to have a conversation with your mates so I can read the back of your head. You are better off standing away from the bar so i can see you physically coming to get another drink.

4) ORDER, GUINESS, FIRST!

5) I DREW A SHAMROCK IN THE TOP OF IT BECAUSE I TAKE PRIDE IN MY JOB, NOT BECAUSE IM GAY!

breathe

6) If you order a coffee, dont go walkies and expect me to take 10 minutes looking for you, go to where you say you were.

7) If you want to move the furniture about, ask, we'll say yes, i gaurentee you wont put it back, but at least you were polite.

8) (one from last night) I had a bloke come to the bar and ask if we had a particular beverage, we didnt. He then spent 10 minutes arguing, asking if i was sure, why hadn't I heard of it "But you're a barman!" And mabye i should ask someone else. Look you grotesque peice of scum, if you were 100% convinced i should have it then why didnt you bloody well ask for it straight away instead of asking if I had it first? And dont insult my intellegence, im probably much smarter than you considering ive been listening to you talk all night about how your freeview box wont pick up any Sky channels.

9) Dear god, if you surround a table cramming your entire pikey family onto one designed for three at most, i'm not going to come clear the empties away.

There are many more but I'm off to deal with theese problems. So heres one more

10) Empty bar, one barman, moi, I will be stood by the till, if you go and stand the other end of the bar and wait to get served, you will be better off getting a stool, im staying where I am you ignorant cnuts

Length? 15 hours on sunday, DONT do any of the above.

And im not bitter, i quite like my job, be nice to me, and ill take care of you the whole time your in MY bar, I just won an award for best barman, so dont fuck with me, im far too cocky for my own good this week :)
(The Urban Badger Pressing the wrong button since 1987, Fri 2 May 2008, 9:55, 10 replies)

ooh
i feel your pain...
i work in a student bar sometimes, and my biggest annoyance is the gits who order a bottle of Budvar and 4 glasses, then make it last the whole evening. if you can't afford to drink, don't go out, or ask for water!!

and re: 1 - if the barmaid tells you we've run out of, for example, Stella, and won't get a new barrel until tomorrow, don't swear at them, or spit on the bar, you filthy italian git.
grr.
( ascorbate, Fri 2 May 2008, 10:02, closed)

My all time favourite was the woman I had on my first day
Me "Hi, you alright there?"

Crone "No, Ive been waitng for 10 minutes"

Me "You just walked in, where were you waiting?"

Crone "How rude! where is your manager"

Me to manager "Good luck with that one mate, shes batty as fuck"

she heard me.......... hehe
(The Urban Badger Pressing the wrong button since 1987, Fri 2 May 2008, 10:06, closed)

Ooh, click!
And if I could click your reply I would as well. Having done a bit of bar work myself, I understand your grievance.

I had one once: after I'd prepared his drink and, since I'd only been at that pub a couple of days, I was meandering a bit over the till.
-"Can I just say, if I took that long over the till, I wouldn't last very long in my job."

You smug little twunt. Unfortunately, he was a friend of my sister, and since it wouldn't do to get her friends kicked out of the pub, I had to swallow rude comments about knowing he was only 17.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 2 May 2008, 10:19, closed)

congrats on your award!
my parents are both bar staff. my mum had a guy in the bar one night, huge, ignorant, sexist, but a friend of the owner. unfortunately for him, i was there that night. i was waiting for mum to finish serving someone when over walks gorgo, looking for a pint. i'd been sat there several minutes and he'd only just elbowed his way to the bar, but he fully expected to be served before me. i made it plain that i wouldn't allow this and, once i had my drink, i went back to sit with my friend, leaving gorgo at the bar. according to my mother, he then said "who the fuck does she think she is, the fucking fat bitch?" my mum leaned over the bar, smiled sweetly at him and said "my daughter."
he left soon after and hasn't been back since.
(LIMES, Fri 2 May 2008, 10:28, closed)

Bar people of the world unite
I've ran a few pubs in my time - and have very fond memories of most especially the old skanky Leek and Winkle in Brighton - not the one that replaced it in the early 2000s. Anyway, I totally agree with all the comments on here* and would like to add that i got out of barwork as i just got sick of the 0.1% of people that insist on being cunts in pubs. Take note cash waving cunts - i'm busy serving the people behaving in good orderly British fashion.

*Not sure about the shamrock though never did like that.

gets online to find dream pub to buy after winning lottery

(i anglepoise, Fri 2 May 2008, 10:44, closed)

.
Oh happy memories have a click.

I remember standing behind the bar while two cocky blokes were suggesting that bar staff are a bit thick and desperate for cash. Unfortunately he chose the wrong pub for this I may not be great academically but my colleagues that night consisted of 1 chemist & 2 biologists, all well qualified who happen to have a great love of beer and enjoyed working in the pub part time. One of them asked the blokes what quals they had and I think it anmounted to a couple of CSEs between them. They left, suitably humbled, shortly after that.
(cmouse is pondering about life in other jobs, Fri 2 May 2008, 10:58, closed)

also congrats on the award!
as to the half poured pint before the barrel changing. Welll sometimes the end of barrel beer can be a bit funky, but it's rare. I still agree it's a bit off asking for a new one if the experienced looking barman thinks it looks good.

My most annoying experiences when I managed a pub were
a) Hey how can I help you? "One beer" Yes... Did you know which kind of beer you want? "Well, normal beer" uh.. We sell six kinds of normal beer..

b) "This isn't a full measure of wine!" Yes it is.. "How can you possibly know??" I have poured wine in bars for five years. I can see it. "But there's hardly anything in here" It just looks that way because the glass is big. "My son is a bartender!" Well good for him.. (I then had to PROVE that the wine was the right amount. *sigh*)

and the third and my favourite
"I want to speak to the manager!" You ARE speaking to the manager "You're not the manager" Um.. Well I'm fairly sure I'm the manager "But you're a girl! And you're foreign!" Well.. thanks.
(darras jeg har en grevling i hodet. Grevling, grevlang, Fri 2 May 2008, 11:00, closed)

As an ex-Landlord
Who plans to go back to pubs after early retirement, I agree with most of your points.

However:
1a) Yes, the barrel change does make a difference. The dregs of a real ale barrel have a distinctly different taste to newer barrel to a discerning mouth. However, if you run a particularly busy pub and have to put on more than one barrel a night, this wont make much difference. If we're talking lager, then it also doesn't make any difference.

10) You are paid to serve. The bar area is the service area. No matter where a customer stand at the bar, you should go to serve them. They are paying for the privelage of you serving them.

Other than those two, I agree. The general public are c*nts.
(Big Smurf Brush me daddy-O, Fri 2 May 2008, 11:49, closed)

Ta much for all the replies
Re: Big Smurf, i didnt think of that, good point, but we dont serve ale for some reason, probably down to too much competion with the Lloyds next door with their Ale festivals, ah well, just makes life easier.

I dont mind walking to the customer, its the rare occasion when the bar is empty and people have to physically walk past you to stand elsewhere, baffles me!

Do love the job tho, barman are the coal miners of the catering industry, hurrah!
(The Urban Badger Pressing the wrong button since 1987, Fri 2 May 2008, 16:14, closed)

*CLICK*
One DAMN big click there, especially with the Guinness, it takes as much time to do properly as the rest of the order will take to finish, I mean, its not hard to figure out it should come first is it? Why don't they get this? (Also, I can't make a shamrock worth a damn :P)

Half of our customers are inconsiderate cuntstreaks, but that being said, the other half are awesome, keep the barstaff in beer, and will challenege us at snooker if its a slow night :)
(Fleximus Rex briefly gave up lurking on, Tue 6 May 2008, 10:00, closed)