Peeve doesn't really cover it but...

Ikea.

I've lost count of the number of hours I've lost in that money-sucking, life-sapping, soul-bleaching, scandanavian, smart-arsed, devil's vortex. Where do you start? OK, just because they have a good selection of stuff at reasonable(ish) prices that you need e.g. a good duvet for £15, why can't I just go there at 9.00am on a Tuesday morning - I'll even waste a day's holiday - I'll run through the maze, find the item needed, pay for it and come back home?

No. She has to come along, and why not go on a Sunday?
- Oh, and while we're here, let's look at dining chairs.
- Why? We don't need any.
- I know, but I've seen some in the catalogue that I really like.
- Fuck's sake.
- Oh, and look at that 'Arss' storage unit, it's really cheap.
- What, 35 quid? That's not really cheap.
- And look at those 'Twarrt' rugs, we could do with a new rug for the bedroom, and they're on sale.
- Fuck off.
- And while we're here, we need some more 'Fwap' picture frames, they're only £15 a pair, and we might as well get some 'Dong' light bulbs because you can't get them anywhere else, and some new 'Tittz' lamp shades because I want to redecorate the front room, and we're down to three 'Gluggg' wine glasses, so we might as well get some more, and you can't get duvet covers in these sizes anywhere else so we might as well get one.......

And all the time you're dodging little ankle-biters and huge women or couples walking at a snail's pace and the nobs in yellow polo shirts. You can't take a short-cut because then you might not see everything, so it's left and right and left and right and round and fucking round and round. Oh, and don't forget the patronising way they have the little list things and tiny pencils and paper tape measures - just in case you forgot to bring a pen and an old envelope - pick up your furniture in the warehouse, Isle 14, Location 35, and when you get half way round there's a Swedish cafe: we're so nice you have to do it our way and eat meatballs, and when you get to the warehouse it isn't fucking there.

So join a queue that is tailing back so far it's made the traffic news on Radio 2 so that you can then spend £150 on stuff you don't really like or need.

And the final insult before you join the hordes trying to get their car to the loading area? Hot dogs at 50p each, or 75p for an extra long one. That is almost an insult: they are so frigging cheap you feel obliged to buy one and smother it in tasteless mustard when you never buy hot dogs anywhere else and don't even really like them. And by this time, the missus is a bit triumphant but also a bit repentant as she knows you're sitting on a well of anger, resentment and disgust and you've got another couple of hours before you get home to find you've wasted a whole day to spend money you haven't got on shite you don't want. And not only that but as it's Sunday afternoon there's a crap play on Radio 4.

Peeved? Just a tad.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Tue 6 May 2008, 10:14, 6 replies)

:(
Dont have Ikea where I live you posh bastard :(
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Tue 6 May 2008, 10:23, closed)

Top Secret
All Ikeas have a well-disguised route straight through to the warehouse / tills, cutting your exposure to Swedish Design to a minimum. You just have to find it in your branch. And then don't tell anybody or they'll all start using it and they will cut it off.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Tue 6 May 2008, 10:45, closed)

Clicky!
Me and the Axewoman have been together two years, and I have only once shouted at her...

That was in the Croydon branch of Ikea.

The jobsworth twats at the delivery desk are the worst - totally inflexible and looking for any excuse not to deliver things. A friend of mine nearly had a breakdown there, and the guy in front of him in the queue got so frustrated he flipped and started punching himself in the face...

Still, the meatballs are nice.
(Axeman Jim, Tue 6 May 2008, 11:35, closed)

oh
I thought part of the game was to find the short cuts through...I am obviously not female enough!
(cmouse is pondering about life in other jobs, Tue 6 May 2008, 11:49, closed)

Right.
If it was up to me, I'd kick my way through to the checkouts as soon as I got through the giant revolving door. It's the damned missus that insists we take the full tour.

[opens up Spunkk lunchbox for sarnies]
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Tue 6 May 2008, 12:20, closed)

Ikea!
Click!

I went to Ikea once and it was crap.

I'm serious, from the moment I walked through the door and followed the pre-planned route through the warehouse, piped propaganda was playing through hidden speakers like something out of "The Killing Fields".

"Our innovative range of Bollbag bathroom cabinets are available for £13.99 each, which compliment perfectly our Fannibattor lavatory seat covers, in a range of colours".

My skin crawled.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 7 May 2008, 11:17, closed)