Never Trust Postal Workers
Well...this happened a few years ago. Actually, theres 2 stories here, the first one is sort of related, the second one definately is..
1) I used to work at a Post Office reasonably near, shall we say, a facility for holding the undesirables of society...a man in a small truck would come each morning, and pick up the mail for the inmates of this facility. Unfortunately, the loved ones of those in the facility were generally none too bright, and of course used to try and smuggle in small quantities of pot and other such contraband (As if they were the first to try it and we didn't know..) They also were unable to put the correct address on the envelopes, so quite often, people would return mail addressed to their PO box, saying that it wasn't for them, and it should probably go to the box of this facility. We would then dutifully reseal it and put an 'opened in error' sticker on it. One day in particular, a very nice lady brought in an opened letter, and said that it wasn't meant for her, and that we should in fact check it out. Of course this could get us in huge trouble, but it was already opened so temptation overcame good sense. Opening the envelope, it contained a letter and several photos of the 'glamour' type, but the subject in question looked like a whale shoehorned into a lace teddy..sort of like trying to keep pudding in strainer...I still shiver at the thought of this horrid munter reclining in her black stretch lace giganto-sized underwear, contrasting with the pale, sweaty pastiness of her body..with lipstick kisses on the photos, and the letter containing declarations of undying love, wanting to bear the horrid demon sprog of the intended lucky recipient, etc. Then right down the bottom of the letter, was a scrunched and oddly coloured corner, circled in blue biro, and the words "Sniff here if you want to know what a real woman smells like". I made a noise something like "aiiieeeeemyygoddd!!" and dropped the letter. One of the other people there, asked what was wrong, I pointed to the offensivce item, and told her to pick it up and read. She obligingly did so, then after a few moments a similar 'aawwwoohhmyygoooodd!!!' sound followed, and she dropped the letter. A third person joined us, and asked what was wrong, told her to pick up and read, several minutes passed...and then, she looked at us with a puzzled expression, and said 'I don't get it'. She then lifted it to her nose, took a long deep sniff, and said 'Is it supposed to be perfume or something?' I said yes it probably was, could she please re-envelope it and place in the correct PO box.

Story 2 - Bit shorter, way back when I first started, I worked in the delivery area, I had a pushbike round. Unfortunately the bike they gave me was a bastardised death machine, I had an unfortunate incident and broke my ankle. So I was confined to desk-bound duties for a while, one of which was taking the container affectionately known as 'The Coffin' each day, and emptying out all the 'dead letter' mail (coffin - geddit?) My job was to open this mail, which could not be delivered, and had no return address, read it and try to find a return address, re-seal it with special tape and put a honking great stamp on the front saying that it had been opened for inspection to find a return address. One envelope I opened, was from 'Don'. Now apparently, 'Don' had an appendage the size of a baby's arm, according to his own description, and Don had never participated in a threesome, felt a bit nervous but excited to try, was willing to take it up the poop chute, and was eagerly awaiting a response. After just about pissing my pants with laugher, I resealed it with the special bright red tape, and made sure I put the 'Opened for Inspection' sticker right on the front, and just for good measure put one on the back too. I would of loved to have seen Don's face when he got his mail..teach him to address his personals correctly!
(BikeBoy <Insert witty sig here>, Sun 16 Sep 2007, 11:23, Reply)