Want petty officialdom? Try dealing with the PTA.
Or Port Transport Authority, to give this waste of time and money it's full name.

Coming into NYC off a cruise ship caused me to have dealings with this bunch of miserable jobsworths. After all the passport bullshit and the 'Welcome to America' now please give us all your fingerprints and iris scan crap, as we were coming in off a boat, we had another line of bureaucracy to get through - the PTA.

They wanted to know if we were bringing in any fish, meat or vegetables from our previous cruise destinations. I told them I wasn't - and the guy said, 'You better not be lying son, the Port Transport Othority takes this very seriously.' And yes, he said 'Othority', which lead me to think that his organisation was called the 'PTO', rather than 'PTA'.

But I was foiled, they found the two sides of smoked salmon I'd bought in Norway before we headed out over the Atlantic. 'I'm going to have to confiscate those' said the very important man, obviously insanely proud that he'd landed a huge, PTO fish haul.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 12:30, 22 replies)

Norweigan smoked salmon, you really are a povvo.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 12:35, closed)

This is more like it.

( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 12:39, closed)

Aww...shame
Our resident 'PhD' troll just deleted his awfully angry, point-by-point contradiction of my lame pun.

Poor sod worked himself up into a huge frothy fury, bashing out his hyper-intelligent observations on how the above post could not have been true. Then deleted it. Then put me on ignore. Finally.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 13:40, closed)

^still typing essays at my whim ^
It was 15 words.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 13:44, closed)

no i troll u!

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 13:45, closed)

I think we should all just accept that you're both as upset as each other, and move on.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 13:47, closed)

i think we should accept that nobody knows the meaning of the word upset

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 13:48, closed)

Yeah. Tell us that again when we confiscate your pies and cakes.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 13:51, closed)

i don't really like either
but come near my white chocolate and my diet coke, and i keel you.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 14:10, closed)

what is it with fat birds and diet coke?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 14:37, closed)

Guilt 'Offset'

(Galahad is out of his gourd on yellow bentines, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 15:26, closed)

More like 15 lines, still - it was a very good and detailed deconstruction.
You certainly met all the salient points with well-researched and expertly calculated responses. Your time-consuming efforts online to debunk the existence of the PTA were worth it, as were the links you provided to credible sources, proving in no uncertain terms that there is indeed no 'PTA'.

I also liked your clear and precise observations that, in your opinion, very few (if any), cruises left from Scandinavia to the USA taking in NYC - and again, the links and online resources you provided were spot on.

Another section of note was your painstaking reproduction of the genuine rules and regulations concerning importation of smoked fish to the USA, which ripped apart my assertions that Norwegian smoked salmon would have been of any interest to a US-based customs agency. Don't I feel the fool!

Good job.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 14:19, closed)

Quote: "Nah. You've tried too hard here. There are too many ridiculous holes for this to be worth puncturing."

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 14:36, closed)

Oh for christ's sake, it effects nobody here if you're made out to be a complete fantasist or not.
It's only a blow to your self esteem if you gave a fuck what Shambles said, and right now it looks like you're very het-up over it.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 15:20, closed)

*affects

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 15:27, closed)

I'm not entirely sure how that would get you to misconstrue the point.
But anyway, now we're clear on that, why do you let them get you so worked up?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 15:39, closed)

we're his only friends, double-p

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 17:03, closed)

When all of the spazmatic cuntwankatrons have finished pointing out that this is fake
I'd like to congratulate you for your services to punning.






You cock.
(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Thu 3 Apr 2014, 1:13, closed)

Curses.
Completely spanged. Would any wandering Nigerian princes like my bank account number?
(IChewCandlewax, Thu 3 Apr 2014, 11:31, closed)