Mute nympho.
About a year and a half ago I went out with Jo. She seemed nice enough, little bit quiet (practically a mute) but still nice. We got talking on MSN and she soon revealed herself to be filthier than a French Binman.
I gave her my number and we started seeing each other, pretty much every night I was getting the filthiest of texts.

Having an attractive, nymphomaniac girlfriend is ideal right? Not as such.
It's like a threesome, in theory it's a glorious idea. In practice, it's tiring and sticky.

Jo could barely contain herself, I was being woken up at three in morning - college days, with her telling me how wet she was and the various filthy things she wanted to do to me.
(To be fair, she never repeated herself on what she wanted to do - such imagination.)

Naturally I kept texting her back - ladyfriends are rare for me.
But it was taking it's toll.
I was spending loads on keeping my credit topped up, she lived far away so getting her round and back was awkward (I was a student, my mum had to drive us).
The physical exertion as well, jeeesus.
She'd come round for the night and it would be 6 hours straight of action. No rest breaks, no 'lets just cuddle'. Non. Stop. Fumbling.

Eventually I realised I wasn't really into her - well, I was into her (repeatedly), but not *into* her - so I spoke to her about it.

We stayed together for a few more weeks.

I hatched a plan. You see, I always satisfied her, despite her insatiable appetite.

ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION TO THE RESCUE!

She was coming around one weekend, so I spent the week prior, furiously wanking at any opportunity. My plan was to tire myself so much, that I wouldn't be able to perform.
And, y'know, what use is a broken boyfriend (her words*) to the sexual equivalent of the energiser bunny?

By the end of the week 'red raw' didn't cover it. The preacher was well and truly punished. The purple helmeted warrior had fallen in combat. The poor euphemism was fully wanked out.

She came round and then spent an uncomfortable evening being poked by what could only be described as "the worlds smallest cumberland sausage" (her friend's words).

3 days later she told me it wasn't working out.
5 days later she got drunk and (reportedly) shagged 5 different people at a party.

Take lesson from this, if your soon-to-be-ex-ladyfriend has an insatiable lust that's doing you no good - wank yourself stupid.



*One of the few times she properly spoke to me.

Length, like a small cumberland sausage apparently.
(Good Looking Deity Grew a magnificent beard on, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 12:52, 15 replies)

"like a sexual energiser bunny"
I can't believe you're complaining about this.

Somebody shoot GLD, quick!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 12:54, closed)

in 5 years time
when you have a car and money you will be begging for a mute nympho.
(Halfy By light alone, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 13:04, closed)

A click for - I quote -
"ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION TO THE RESCUE!"

You make it sound like a superhero.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 13:23, closed)

You had me at
'filtiher than a French binman'

*click*
(clumsyeloquence is a girl, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 13:25, closed)

A Cumberland sausage
can be pretty long, and is rolled up.

So even the world's smallest Cumberland sausage isn't that small.

If it's big enough to roll up...
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 13:31, closed)

@Supreme Crow
Played by Pele if they made a film
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 13:33, closed)

What would Pele's
costume be like? I'm thinking pink and shrivelled lycra.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 13:36, closed)

I'm with clumsyeloquence on that phrase
this is a great story, and full of good phrases
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 13:38, closed)

Yup, what they said ^^
brilliant - especially the French bin man!
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Tue 10 Jun 2008, 13:43, closed)

i'd like to apologise...
in advance for stealing the term 'filthier than a French Binman' which you will be seeing in a future spimfpostTM. yoik!

which reminds me do you think it was out of order for me to write in the accumulated dirt on the side of mrs spimfs car recently "she's actually dirtier"

?
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 13:48, closed)

@Boss Keloid
...do I want to see a film about The Tragic Tale of GLD's Self-Inflicted Erectile Dysfunction?

Even if it did star Pele in pink, shrivelled lycra...or should he be dressed as a big, knobbly purple Dalek that's gone saggy after being left in a car for too long with the windows all shut?
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 13:48, closed)

@Supreme Crow
Hmmm, may cater to a very particular niche market.
Pele would be up for it, he's done fuck all lately. He could wear the costume at the next Rio Carnival

*edit* @al

I think it should be ribbed as well.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 14:01, closed)

Mehehe...
"Up" for it.

Fnar fnar.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 14:05, closed)

^^
Well, semi up for it. For 5 minutes.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 14:07, closed)

/giggles
Semi
5...up...

Fnar

/hangs head
/should know better
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 14:12, closed)