It was a perfectly ordinary night.
The missus was crashed on the couch on account of her back being knackered. I was pottering in the kitchen, sorting out dinner. Sweary Jr was in his room, single-handedly slaying a mob of bloodthirsty villains through the medium of pixels.

There was a knock at the door. I say knock, it was more a hard and persistent banging at the rear entrance (Darth Foxtrot, control yourself). As we live in an upstairs flat, I scurried downstairs to find the key, as we rarely use that particular door. I couldn't find it.

The knocking persisted, more urgently than before. "I can't find the key", I yelled.

"POLICE!" Came the reply. "YOU NEED TO OPEN UP, NOW!". Sure enough, I could make out the outline of two policemen from behind the frosted glass in the door.

Oh, shit. "I can't find the key for this door, you need to come round to the front."

"OPEN UP!"

"I can't find the bloody key." Heart pumping, what the fuck are they doing here? "One of you come round the front and I'll let you in."

Thirty seconds later there was a knock, and I opened the door. A big, burly copper asked if he could come in. What was I supposed to do? I invited him in.

"Sorry to interrupt, but we've had a complaint of..." he trailed off. "Nice Dalek".

"Erm, thanks".

"Can you get inside it?"

"No, it's a static prop and the top half is solid."

"Oh. Anyway, we've had a complaint of a domestic happening at this address; the phone call was received about 8 minutes ago and we're here to investigate. Has there been an incident?"

By now, and thoroughly confused, I replied that there hadn't been, and went on to explain that I was busy in the kitchen. The missus, roused from her slumber by the unearthly banging and clattering, arrived at the top of the stairs inquisitively and Mr Plod repeated his reason for his attendance. He was now followed by his erstwhile colleague, who stopped only to swivel the somewhat baleful Dalek's head and draw a cdc in the dust on the dome, before dropping his pants and shoving the Dalek's plunger up his puckered and quivering arsehole.

OK, that last bit is a lie, but this is QOTW. Cut me some slack.

So, the missus confirmed what I'd said. They asked if there could have been any reason for someone to assume that something had happened; loud music, raised voices, TV on. All answered in the negative. The rozzers asked if they could have a look around the place; sure, why not? We had nothing to hide. A cursory look around to check that there were no weapons about, no signs of any struggle, and they apologised for interrupting our evening and went on their merry way. All we managed to glean was that they had received a phone call from a woman who had stated there was a domestic incident happening at our address.

On the face of it, the scenario was a bit unnerving. On the positive side, the fact that the response took eight minutes from receipt of the call to nearly smashing in our door, I actually find quite reassuring.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 6 May 2011, 0:37, 9 replies)

I didn't know 'plunger' was the technical term for the Dalek thingy.
You learn something everyday on b3ta.
(boozehound is drinking your bar dry, Fri 6 May 2011, 9:26, closed)

Plunger
The bit of the Daleks plunger made me laugh out loud. Nice surprise story-telling-element there! :-D
(Robotnik, Fri 6 May 2011, 9:30, closed)

Plunger
I read that and my heart skipped a beat, I thought Frank Spencer was posting again. I loved his filthy stories...
(Rsoles, Fri 6 May 2011, 11:46, closed)

With a wood chipper, some acid, and a bath
you could kill someone and dispose of the body in under 8 minutes.

I saw it on Blue Peter once.
( Sextant goes to him is emotionally erect, on this day, Fri 6 May 2011, 17:52, closed)

Blue Peter was never that informative in my day!

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 6 May 2011, 21:20, closed)

google
Or any other search engine of choice "Acid bath Haigh" to find out why this may be trickier than you suppose
(unclestinky, Fri 6 May 2011, 23:21, closed)

Mishearing of
Sweary's electronically generated deathscreams? Mrs's bad back related groaning? Or were you rattling the pots'n'pans a bit loudly? Poss all of the above.
(sarcastic fringehead feet of clay, buns of steel, head of lettuce, Sat 7 May 2011, 14:04, closed)

None of the above.
I honestly have no idea why someone took it upon themselves to call the rozzers that night.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 8 May 2011, 15:09, closed)

Erstwhile colleague?
Was he sacked during this episode?
/pedantic

One day, I'll meet your Dalek face-to-face. One day.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Sun 8 May 2011, 13:04, closed)