Needless to say, I had the last laugh!
Back in the early 1973 I had a job at a busy bar in Perth. My mum had bribed the owner to take me on - very generous on her part, as the owner wanted $500 in advance before he'd even offer me a shift! Trouble was, I'd been fired from my last four jobs and word had got around town that I was an unemployable buffoon.

My last position at the minicab firm had really caused a stir. They'd given me this brand new car that was obviously faulty. I jumped into the car to go and collect my first fare and as it was 8pm, I made sure the car was in 'N' for 'Night' and put my foot down. Nothing happened. Bugger, I thought, the clock must be screwed, so I put the stick firmly into the 'D' for 'Day' position and this time REALLY put my foot down...and straight through the launderette window I went! That one cost mum a lot more than $500!

Anyhoo, back to Perth. The boss wouldn't let me do anything else other than collect glasses. I'd tried behind the bar but ever since one bastard customer convinced me that metal money was worth more than paper money (I mean, why wouldn't it be?), the bossman wouldn't let me go near the tills. I'd also had a brief, unsuccessful stint as bog-cleaner - but none of the women took kindly to me sticking my mop down the bowl whilst they were having a dump. I mean come on, who doesn't want a pristine bit of porcelain to shit into?

So glass collecting it was. But I knew a little secret about glass collecting, a little secret that I was going to share with no one. Thing is, as a 'glassy', not only do you have to collect all the empties - but you can 'empty' them yourself, if you know what I mean! I would slurp down every single bit of beer, vodka, whiskey, juice - anything that was in those dirty empties, I emptied into my gut! So much free booze! I was loaded every night - and all for free!

One night after the local rugby club had visited, I must have got away with necking the equivalent of 20 pints of free beer. The rugby boys never finished their pints - they always left at least a mouthful down the bottom, a mouthful just for Rob! But that night there was trouble, one real nasty drunkard was harassing Bella the barmaid. It was so busy in the bar that no one was coming to her aid. That's when I stepped in.

I ran over to Bella and if her if she wanted me to throw the oaf out. She told me no - but something in her eyes signified that she wanted me to act, and act quickly. So I jumped on his back and we went spinning through the bar. He managed to shake me off and then came charging at me. And then, just like in the movies, the music stopped and everyone, punters, staff, passers-by - they all turned in expectation to watch the BIG FIGHT.

As the drunkard charged at me he slipped violently on the beer-soaked floor. I saw my opportunity and acted with speed and dexterity. In seconds I was standing over him. I ripped of my shirt, pulled down my trousers and yanked off my filthy y-fronts. Ha! Little did my victim know that I was loaded with 20 pints of lovely free beer. But he soon found out as I emptied my overfull bladder all over the loser. Man, I must have pissed for five whole minutes before I ran dry, the poor bastard was SOAKED!

Kneel Before Rob!

I spun to face Bella whilst squeezing the last few drops from my greasy cock. Victory! I cried! Victory is mine! Bella seemed to vomit into her mouth, I saw a little bit seep out her lips...but I guess it was a pretty violent episode and her nerves must have got the better of her. Still, I knew I was her hero. I spun again to face the crowd. Some of the hardest men in Perth were there - and they all backed away from me. They were afraid. Very afraid. I grabbed a last free beer from my glassy's bucket and ran screaming into the dark Perth night...
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Sat 28 Sep 2013, 19:14, 46 replies)

Like I said earlier
it just seems a bit creepy now.

Still I guess you're so used to being told that, you've become inured to it.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sat 28 Sep 2013, 19:43, closed)

Careful now...don't choke on that thesaurus.

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Sat 28 Sep 2013, 19:49, closed)

Nice try at a deflection.
Interested to know who I know on fb you're going to perve on first...
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sat 28 Sep 2013, 20:19, closed)

Looks like you'd benefit from a dicotionary.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 9:25, closed)

Can't tell if trolling...

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Sun 29 Sep 2013, 11:17, closed)

Not trolling so much as gently mocking "theosaurus". But that appears to have been fixed.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 11:40, closed)

Ah, I see...

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Sun 29 Sep 2013, 11:48, closed)

he's fixed 'choak' too ... the spoilsport

(alright alright, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 13:36, closed)

I just had a look at your profile Albs and that experience at the gay club seems to have made quite the impression on you.
(Roger McGough-Pipe, Sat 28 Sep 2013, 19:49, closed)

All of Rob's wacky adventures end with him urinating in victory.
But yes, maybe it did deeply affect me.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Sat 28 Sep 2013, 19:50, closed)

Alright AM.
You're going to have to go long way to beat this fella's fabulous lie this week.

b3ta.com/questions/purefury/post2107021
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 18:41, closed)

Beautiful. I had to wipe a tear from my eye.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sat 28 Sep 2013, 20:54, closed)

PROTIP:
It wasn't a tear.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sat 28 Sep 2013, 21:34, closed)

PROTIP: Learn how to protip you fat mental spastic.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 8:30, closed)

Needs more mock Aussie slang

(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Sat 28 Sep 2013, 21:27, closed)

Sure as billy-o does
cobber!
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sat 28 Sep 2013, 21:35, closed)

to be honest;
I usually smile at Albert's posts.

This one I lost the.will to live
(Docofair, Sat 28 Sep 2013, 21:52, closed)

Sad times. ;[
Thing is what started as him aping my writing style as a joke has now very quickly got creepy and turned into his tales oriented around his urophilia.

Not really strange or new for Alby I've got to be honest.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sat 28 Sep 2013, 22:23, closed)

I think you need the original for some context...
www.b3ta.com/questions/purefury/post2105922
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Sat 28 Sep 2013, 22:34, closed)

clickin dis

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sat 28 Sep 2013, 22:56, closed)

FUCKING WINNING POM!
Did you see what I did there?
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 3:20, closed)

that microflounce did you the world of good
10/10 for 'glassy' alone
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 7:33, closed)

Glassy is a term used to describe someone who collects glasses at a busy pub.
It's not like it was a career move or anything at the time.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 8:41, closed)

And the fact it is clearly getting under the skin of flabby crybaby gives it an extra bit of spice.

(alright alright, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 8:58, closed)

Oh I'm wailing and gnashing my teeth.
Trust me.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 9:31, closed)

You are certainly whining an awful lot about how creepy you think it is, after initially encouraging it heartily.
You fat mental spastic.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 10:32, closed)

trolled by lie-mallow ... as if his dignity weren't shredded enough

(alright alright, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 10:48, closed)

Upset!
On the internet.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 13:03, closed)

We know you are Rob, we know.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 13:40, closed)

You
forgot to insult him over the internet.
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 16:11, closed)

NOW YOU OWN IT SHITPANTS MCUGLYWIFE

(Frank Snow, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 19:44, closed)

"That's when I stepped in" should be "That was his final mistake".

(McChinaman banned, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 8:28, closed)

Splendid.

(alright alright, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 8:58, closed)

I like how you've taken to posting all your (his) stories twice.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 9:49, closed)

this is the future, double-m

(alright alright, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 10:20, closed)

WHERE'S MY HOVERBOARD?

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 12:07, closed)

BONZER.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 10:45, closed)

(McChinaman banned, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 12:30, closed)

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 15:13, closed)

front page this now!

(alright alright, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 15:40, closed)

What a week to lose my 3D specs.

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Sun 29 Sep 2013, 16:03, closed)

I'm getting a tattoo of this

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 19:20, closed)

Nice to see you join the ranks Alby.

(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 21:21, closed)

THIS.
WINS.

10/10.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 21:41, closed)

Yea for Albert the un-flounced
Thanks for voting for reply 2106094!

Close Window
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 13:23, closed)