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This is a question Devastating Put-Downs

Amorous Badger says: I once saw a former manager of mine being asked to 'sit down and let your mouth have a chance to speak' by his senior. What's the best heckle/putdown/riposte you've ever seen? (Hint: Recycled 'Your mum' jokes does not make an answer)

(, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 15:15)
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Those 'Microsoft technical support' fake phone calls.
As I'm concerned they're fair game so I always try to do something silly to put them off their stroke, as it were.

I hit upon an absolute beauty though. Making animal noises at them really upsets them.

When I make my chicken, pig and cow noises they start to shout at me and put the phone down. They occasionally even phone back to have a go at me at which point I tell them to fuck off and stop trying to con me. Then I hang the phone up feel so smug it's surprising a croissant doesn't spontaneously appear in my hand
(, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 22:56, 9 replies)
Big boy
The last time I got one of these calls I asked the chap a detailed series of questions about the size and appearance of his penis. He seemed to find this quite disconcerting, and though he tried to hack my computer for a few minutes, he soon gave up and hung up. Possibly to go for a wank.
(, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 22:59, closed)
Wasn't aware of this phenomenon.
Your technique for dealing with it sounds thoroughly excellent, though. Have you tried it with other nuisance callers?
(, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 23:34, closed)
I'm in the middle of setting up my VoIP server again
I used to have it configured with a very, very expensive 07031 number (70p/min or so). When I got scammy calls like that I'd tell them I was very interested but could they please call me back on my mobile because I couldn't hear them properly because of the terrible line.
(, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 23:43, closed)
I usually sing to them......
....I can't sing. It's brill.
(, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 23:51, closed)

I tend to ask them to hold whilst I get PC switched on,
then carry on making excuses why it's taking so long.
e.g. Laptop battery flat, going to get cable..
Not working..
Will try PC..
Not working..
Oh hang on, I'll try my wife's laptop..
And repeat
(Whilst watching Tv, playing with the dog etc.)
Usually manage to get the supervisor in on the fun as well.
Something about being accused of wasting *their* time amuses me..
(, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 4:39, closed)
Play along if you have time.
Ask how they got your number. Ask how they tied your number to an IP address. Ask if they have a fistula, then correct that to firewall.
Ask if they have a vasectomy kit for removing worms.
One evening I strung one along for half an hour before revealing I use Linux.
(, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 8:33, closed)
So what are these?
Are they trying to get your bank account details or something?
(, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 9:29, closed)
Sign up to their PC 'support' packages.

I had one call me in Perth, Australia. They were quite good at the salesman technique, until I went to the shell of a website that had the support. ie total con merchants - if you string them along you are doing a service to the old lady who they dont have time to phone.
(, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 9:35, closed)
I had one of those, and I told him I hadn't got a computer...
Mid-spiel it clicked what I'd said and he interrupted himself with "Haven't got a computer?! How can such a thing be?", then hung up :)
(, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 11:27, closed)

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