Piss Boy and Crab Girl Do Hampstead Heath
Ever seen a woman impersonate a crab?

I fucking have. And it was weird and strangely beautiful.

Allow me to explain.

During the recent snowy weather in London, I found myself walking home from the pub with my mate Karen. Lovely girl, known her for years. Originally from Gateshead, now she spends her time on the phone screaming: "Give me your fucking money!" for a living, as she works as a credit controller for a large City firm.

So, we're up round Hampstead Heath and we gaze out across the beautiful virgin snow. It was perfect, untouched, the ground undulated and shimmered white in the gentle moonlight.

"Jesus, that's the first virgin anything on Hampstead Heath at this time of night in fucking years," I quipped. "Hang on a minute. I need a piss."

The chill night air was wreaking havoc on my bladder.

I skipped merrily across the road, stood on the edge of the Heath, whipped out my freeze-shriveled cock, and started pissing.

And I wrote my name, as you do, in the unsullied snow. A lovely flowing script, it looked like the type of font you'd expect to see Shakespeare written in, very elegant.

Karen came up beside me as I finished.

"Bet you wish you could do that," I said, with genuine pride in my maleness.

Karen shrugged, looked round to make sure no one was knocking about, "Here," she said, "hold this." and she thrust her bag into my chest.

She walked a little further onto the Heath to a fresh patch of snowy ground.

"Stay over there, Spanky! Don't look!"

So, naturally, I looked, but I had the decency to be sneaky about it. From the corner of my eye I spied Karen wriggle out of her knickers and put them in a pocket (she didn't offer them to me to look after, the cunt), then she hitched up her skirt and squatted, clamping her hands on her knees for extra support.

She then proceeded to piss, and waddle.

It was like a mezmerising, exotic dance. Like something you expect to see the New Zealand rugby team do before a match, like something out of a Stanley Kubrick film at that point you've lost any idea about what the fuck's going on.

Steam billowed up from the hot piss track Karen was laying down and also from her breath as she laboured under her efforts.

Then she'd suddenly stop pissing, waddle crablike a few paces, and start again in a new patch of plaster-smooth fresh snow.

Waddle waddle.

Pssshhhhhhh!!!

Waddle waddle.

Pssshhhhhhh!!!

Moments later Karen beckoned me over, lowering her skirt back over her legs.

"Well," she beamed with pride. "Whaddya think?"

I surveyed her work. It was blocky, bold, not without artistic merit. But there was one overriding problem:

"Erm, it just says 'Kaz'."

Karen grappled her bag back off me, in a bit of a huff she said:

"I've only had two pints of Fosters. If you wanted 'Karen', I'd have needed at least another couple more pints."

I shrugged, not really wanting to admit that Karen had beaten my effort hands down, I felt pretty ashamed on behalf of my sex:

"I like the exclamation mark," I commented meekly. "That's fucking class, that is."

I walked Karen back to her gaff, we talked about football and cricket and other such shit, but all I could really think was: a) she's not wearing any knickers, b) dispite the dark, I'm pretty sure I just saw Karen's muff, and c) I've just been beaten in a 'write your name in the snow' competition by someone without a cock.

I feel an immense sense of shame. To everyone out there packing a pork sword, I apologise profusely.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 23:56, 13 replies)

Excellent.
And well told too, that's got to be a winner.
(Rsoles, Sat 14 Mar 2009, 0:15, closed)

Dear Christ
I live less than 400m from Hampstead Heath (By google maps reckoning) and, of course, made a point of going there when it was snowy.

If only I had gone a bit earlier

And hid in the bushes
(The_Mighty_Spleen, Sat 14 Mar 2009, 0:50, closed)

holy mothering shit!
!!!
(Errin C, Sat 14 Mar 2009, 1:08, closed)

Heheh
Worthy!
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Sat 14 Mar 2009, 8:55, closed)

HaHaHA
LOL!
(Save Us All !!!, Sat 14 Mar 2009, 10:12, closed)

Apology accepted
but I hope you've made up for it since.
*click*
( wynoh kills threads by his mere presence, Sat 14 Mar 2009, 10:20, closed)

This weeks question
is perfect for you, you big weird perv.

Have a clicky!
(Grrrrr Tigers, Sat 14 Mar 2009, 10:40, closed)

mwahahahahaha
Tears of laughter... great story!
( Ratsta, Sat 14 Mar 2009, 11:39, closed)

A pedant writes...
'Reeking' = smelling strongly (usually of something bad)

'Wreaking' = causing to happen, e.g. wreaking havoc.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Sat 14 Mar 2009, 13:12, closed)

Cheers, buddy
As I've pointed out before - I really am a thick twat.
( SpankyHanky, Sat 14 Mar 2009, 17:09, closed)

Ideal for snow-writing, then?
sorry..
( PoshMurder <goat head>, Sat 14 Mar 2009, 21:34, closed)

If she beats you
in a "who can piss the highest" contest, it's time to hang your cock up :P

*click*
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Sat 14 Mar 2009, 14:35, closed)

Fantastic!
The best story this week.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 9:00, closed)