I'm sure my dearly beloved
won't mind me telling you about the first time we did anal.

I'm sure she'd be absolutely fucking overjoyed.

Anyway, we do the deed. A handy squirt of shower gel smeared on my purple headed spunk-chucker as lube and we're away.

And rather nice it was too. Tiny girl, my Mrs, size 8. Thought I might have done her some internal damage.

But no. She's from Cardiff and like most girls from Cardiff, they're well versed in the fine art of anal by the time they're about fourteen.

Afterwards, we're lying in bed panting and sweaty. She asks me how it was. I say: "Very lovely, thank you."

I glance down at my cock, wanting to give the fella a bit of a wipe as he feels a bit... sticky.

And he's encased in pale yellow shit. He looks something akin to Han Solo encased in carbonite in The Empire Strikes Back, only my little chap's not being pushed round by Boba Fett on an antigrav sled.

Then I notice my nadgers are, thighs and even my knees are smeared in shit.

And the sheets. I glance over to Ms Hanky lying on her front, panting. Her pert little bottom isn't looking its best. Her cheeks are covered in, yep, shit.

Either my spunk acted as a lubricant on her bowls or the pounding must've acted had some kind of plunger effect, like a sink being unblocked.

The bedsheets we're covered too.

Even the fucking pillows.

I glance further over my shoulder and -

Yep, there's even a delicate female-sized handprint in lovely yellowish shit on the wall above the headboard. In our passion Ms Hanky had somehow managed to cover her hand in the stuff and had used it to steady herself as I hammered away from behind.

As soon as Ms Hanky caught on, surveying the scene in our room with her big blue eyes, she shot up and was running to the bathroom to have a shower, leaving me looking back down at my cock. Well, she's not gonna suck it now, I thought. It appeared to look back at me. If it could talk it would've said:

"Look what you've done to me! Look! You utter, utter cuntbag bastard!"

To this day, the Ms Hanky hates it when I bring up our first ever adventure in bum sex.

I mean, what should've been a romantic event was reduced to a farce.

It should've been remembered for what it was: An act of love and trust and ultimate friendship with my life partner...



...(where I just happened to squirt a hot load of manfat inside her colon).

( SpankyHanky, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 15:19, 11 replies)

anal
the idea of it is a lot better than the actual deed itself. fact.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 15:42, closed)

true fact
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Tue 17 Mar 2009, 6:57, closed)

Halfway through reading...
...I bet this is a Spanky post.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 15:47, closed)

Yup
I got as far as the word "anal" and guessed who it was, the dorty little perv.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 15:52, closed)

^this^
But worthy of a click non the less
( jakedamusss I understand, and dont care., Mon 16 Mar 2009, 20:46, closed)

Looks like
you're getting a reputation around these parts :)

Good tale though.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 16:21, closed)

he quickly took on the title of
"my favourite b3tan" and has stayed strong ever since.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 19:21, closed)

Fucking hell
Heterosexual men - It's no wonder your women are not fond of bumfun if you're using showergel as lube and fucking her while her bowels are full of shit

O_o

2 things to improve your chances 1,000 fold: KY Jelly and Enemas.

Remember Dixon the next time you're smeared in shit and being shouted at :)

Oh, and *clicked*
( Dixipoos Bye Bye Blackbird, Tue 17 Mar 2009, 10:00, closed)

^this
I once had a dalliance with a young Notts lady who was adept at the bum love, and would always have a sparklingly clean rectum whenever we met up.

A little bit of forethought is all thats needed!

I drew the line at pissing in her arse though, which is something I believe she was quite desperate to try. (and it is quite hard to pee with a boner anyway)
( sm.pl.crt.rs I don't fucking know, do I?, Tue 17 Mar 2009, 15:16, closed)

the Welsh
It's not just the Cardiff girls. But hell, I ain't complaining.
(cypherspace is not a toaster, Tue 17 Mar 2009, 13:27, closed)

I believe
It's also known as the Spade Effect
(Snake (on a) Crane FKA thwack, Tue 17 Mar 2009, 19:26, closed)