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This is a question Crappy relationships

"Recently," Broken Arrow tells us, "The missus informed me that her brother was moving with us." What has your partner done that's convinced you the magic's gone? "Breathe" is not an answer.

(, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 12:33)
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Being emotionally dependant on a total nutter does not make good times!
Emotional entanglement, Love, addiction, lust and a host of other strange human emotions can lead us to stick out a relationship in which the outside world would just laugh at. In fact in a lot of cases, the strong emotional bond you have with your partner can literally leave you locked in to a relationship with the key thrown away.
This has happened to me, I tried to leave her. But when I did, I felt physically ill. It did not take much effort on her part to then win me back over and then continue screwing me over some more.
Looking back on it all now, I think what the hell was I doing? At least now, I know never to get myself so emotionally attached to anyone ever again (I've never truley loved another girl since like this and doubt I will). At least Im a strong person for it.

In a rough chronological order, this is merely the highlights of some of the things that happened in that 5 years with an absolute nutter who i was crazy about.

She informs me she was abused in the past, and her bubbly self is just a cover for a lot of hurt.
She suddenly develops Multiple Personality Syndrome and plays on it a lot, blaming an alternate personality for when she was a bitch to me.
Reveals that shes actually still getting abused, by a family member.
Proves that shes still getting abused by turning up with cuts and bruises all over her.
Tells me she has had a kid with this family member.
Tells me this family member will harm her kid if she doesnt do what he says.
Tells me said family member is financially supporting her parents. (Who were out of work)
In a bid to stop her mutilating herself, she then attacks me with a razor blade (i still have the scars today)
Im at a loss, I talk to my parents. They ban her from our house and tell me to get away from her.
Friends tell me to get away from her.
She convinces me that my family and friends are evil because they hurt her even more than her abusers did.
Doesnt take long to work out that this abusive family member doesnt exist and she doesnt have a kid. Except instead of being pissed off with her, I was just relieved.
Ended up having a big bust up with my father. I move out and in with her.
Ended up having a big bust up with friends, they piss off to university and never come back.
Spend my 18th birthday alone, and to add insult to injury she does me a "party" except there is no one to even invite nevermind turn up.
She has me exactly where she wanted me. I no longer had anyone in my life but her.
She decides we're in an open relationship as we're still young and we can shag other people if we want. She invites a distant friend of mine over and proceeds to attempt to shag him upstairs in the name of an "open relationship"
Going for a lunchtime pint on friday afternoons with work collegues becomes a major issue.
Issue resolved by her joining us one time so she knew who i was socialising with. She gets off the bus and sucker punches me right infront of them.
We start afresh by moving into our own apartment out of her parents and away from where all the bad happened.
She continues to be unable to work and emotionally incapable of even signing on the dole.
We're living in a flat with no furniture, no fridge freezer and no cooker and £10 a week spare money after basic bills.
I get a bank loan and a credit card to even continue to support us.
She makes friends with a girl in London and becomes obsessed with her.
She decides she's bisexual.
We go to London and I have to amuse myself for 4 hours whilst she has intimate relations with this other girl.
London Girl dumps her eventually causing big upset.
Im her rock because I stand by her. She'd be dead if it wasnt for me (her words)
She becomes nocturnal doing nothing but talking to girls on lesbian sites and also creaming more attention off Abuse support sites.
I wake up one morning to find her gone with a suicide note. I find her hanging out near the train tracks.
She has a huge mental breakdown kicking and screaming in the living room. I have to phone an ambulance.
She gets to hospital, refuses any drugs and medication or to talk to anyone. So they just discharge her.
She becomes obsessed with a girl from America.
American girl flies over and spends 6 months living with us. We had a 1 bedroomed flat. Id get up and go to work, then theyd go to bed. Im now supporting both of them on a low paid job.
I get home from work and theres not a single plate clean to make my own food. I enquire about this and get hurled abuse that she isnt my slave. Further arguments lead to her throwing knives at me ( a common occurance)
She flips out, I have to barracade myself in the bedroom as she attempts to smash the doors open.
Arguments like this become frequent
One time I get in from a days work and she comes at me with a knife. I push her away, she falls over the back of the sofa and cracks her head on the coffee table.
American girl stands in and starts threatening me.
I phone my mum whom I havnt seen for over 2 years and she comes to pick me up.
I stay at my parents for a week feeling physically ill that Im away. (despite it being my flat anyway!)
She convinces me we need a bigger flat and a holiday to america.
Having been unable to even leave the house to buy a loaf of bread from the shop. At my expense she flies herself to America.
We get a bigger flat, and I goto america for 2 weeks, she stays on for 3 months (maximum allowed under visa).
She comes back for a while, things continue not to work out even in bigger place. She goes back to america.
She now tries to see about living in america, but after 9/11 thats very difficult plus they dont recognise same sex couples. So shes stuffed.
She convinces me that we should marry, and me to get a job out there then she can go as my spouse.
Seems its impossible for someone skilled to even get sponsorship for a visa to move out there. So that didnt happen.
American girl comes back for another 6 months. Then she goes off to america again for another 3 months.
At this point its obvious its all done. I move her stuff out back to her parents house (at my expense)
She comes back with american girl, except american girl is refused entry to the UK.
She is devastated, cant cope living back with parents and soon weans her way back to my place.
Next up, its another girl this time shes in the UK but about 150 miles away.
She kept borrowing my car to drive over there to see her putting 1000s of miles on my car.
Eventually this one works out and in 2004 after 5 years of what now seems like sheer hell she fucks off.
She is then miraculously cured of her emotional problems and gets a full time job.
Her and new girlfriend buy a house
They go on holiday abroad 3 times a year
I am £20,000 in debt, move back home with parents to make amends and try and pay debts and have no friends.
She thanks her girlfriend for everything this girl has done for her for curing her and making her better.
I struggle to emotionally bond with any other girl, leading to a number of dead end relatioships.
American girl decides shes no longer lesbian and gets a boyfriend. Seems she put the american one through a hell of a load of emotional turmoil as well.
She no longer wants anything to do with me as I remind her of a bad past.

If youre still reading, congratulations :) That was 5 years in a nutshell. How / Why the fuck did I stick that out? It took a long time to get over, a long time to recover, a long time to sort money out and a long time to regain some new friends. That part of my life could be made into a trilogy, only just a short amount of it is listed above.

The whole thing did leave me rather damaged. It wasnt just about what she did, as listed above. Its how she did it. Now Im so clear of it, reading back on it and understanding from a distant view of how she emotionally twisted stuff, and how she used the fact that I relentlessly cared about her so much, and that any issue I raised with her was turned back to make me look like the bad one
(, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 9:01, 21 replies)
you come across as being a bit needy
just man the fuck up and stop sounding like Luka who lives on the second floor, it will make a huge difference.
(, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 9:46, closed)
....incredibly easy to glibly type,
probably incredibly difficult to do whilst in a nasty situation where you've been repeatedly used by an arch-manipulator into cutting ties with all your friends and relatives.
To OP- well done on getting out and putting enough distance between you and her.
[edit]-Sorry, just read that back- Not having a pop at you Nimrod, but having been through some fairly major shit with my other half myself (which I have no intention of posting on here), even though you can look back & think "why did I put up with that?!" someone pointing it out (even after) is no help.
(, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 10:02, closed)
does sound glib
and I do empathise, but if you think of yourself as a victim you will always be a victim, and asking yourself why won't change it but you can change how you feel about and it therefore how your react.
That may also sound glib bit you can't do therapy on a message board.
(, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 10:37, closed)
and true.
I agree completely. It's tricky to objectively say "I need to stop being a victim" whilst in the midst of weapons-grade-head-fuckerry.
Still, it sounds like the OP has distanced himself sufficiently & learnt an (albeit harsh) lesson.
(, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 12:09, closed)
Lessons learnt definately
And I am stronger for it, and although its my nature in a way to be a door mat. I certinately am never going to let anyone else get away with anything even close to that sort of stuff again.
Totally over it now and look back on the whole thing as a life experience. Things with family are great, I have a good circle of friends. Debt paid off. I rebuilt basiacally. She herself is still happy with the final girl. It all ended 6 years ago.
Assuming she has matured and grown up now as well, I hope she looks back on it and think "my god i was a t*at back then!"
(, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 13:00, closed)
It's not so much how
but why the fuck did you stick that out and allow someone to treat you that badly?
(, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 9:51, closed)
Coz I was a bloody idiot
... and in love.
I was only 17 when I met her, first proper g/f and all that.
And, I just couldnt leave. I couldnt bare to see her upset, it made me feel twice as bad. I was so emotionally attached it was untrue. Also there was so many times I felt I had no where to go. Having screwed things up with family and friends. There was a fear element of threats of suicide and self harm.
Essentially, I felt locked in, so was just trying to make the best of the situation. Also I was supporting her with these female relations in order to safely exit this relationship. As I felt just pulling the plug would have been dangerous.

Now ive manned the fuck up, and have a heart of stone. No girl would ever get under me like that again and id never let a situation like that happen again.
(, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 10:01, closed)
No need to have a heart of stone.
Don't miss out on someone amazing because of some twat in the past.
Or make someone else suffer because you've been hurt before
(, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 10:04, closed)
manning the fuck up
does not mean you emotionally close yourself off to the possibility of having a great relationship with someone else. it means putting your hand up and saying yes i fucked up here but i can learn from that, shit happens and you can move on to have a fulfilling relationships with the rest of the human race.
What you give out you tend to get back and you can learn to trust and recognise when someone is not abusing you or likely to.
(, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 10:52, closed)
Easier said than done tho.
I totally agree with what you say here. I agree I did fuck up with that one. But I just feel that my own emotions and feelings for this girl was the main factor of keeping me in that disastrous situation. So its now a case of, Dont get into something you cant get out of. Seriously the time i did try to leave her, I felt physically ill. I couldnt eat, couldnt sleep. The stress was unbelievable. I actually imagined her being really upset at the fact I was gone, and the fact that Id caused her more pain. Sounds totally stupid and unbelievable. But I only felt better by going back there.

Trust me, Id love nothing more than to be in a loving relationship again with Miss Right. Those I have had strong feelings for havnt felt the same way. And relationships ive had since usually last about 6 months before it runs dry - for me.
(, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 11:18, closed)
What about the girl with the kid?

(, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 11:32, closed)
Yeah I loved her..
But I wasnt so emotionally entangled and hooked to her as I was this girl. Ie I was able to leave without spending a week without food or sleep.
(, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 11:48, closed)
Judging by his previous performance on QOTW
I'd say she never existed. Well, she probably did exist until someone called him out on his own mistakes. Then it was all a lie, a big fat lie, done purely to expose your own shortcomings and blinkered attitudes! Yes! I win!

Man, maybe it's the booze, but this Miggyman chap really makes me feel an affinity with those folk on /talk.
(, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 21:25, closed)
classic abuser
Every day you can revel in the knowledge that you're free. Gratz.
(, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 9:56, closed)
I'm going to build a time machine just to go back and drag you out of there
(, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 10:12, closed)
You and your friends
should have cunted her right in the fuck.

My God, I feel for you I really do.
(, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 10:42, closed)
My friends visited me one day and tried to sit me down and tell me to get the hell away from her.. But being stubborn and in over my head, and in love for the first time at 18. I just wouldnt listen.
(, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 11:22, closed)
Sounds pretty horrific. I guess with abusive relationships people just get drawn into them and all, the other person breaks down your self esteem etc... I can see this not being such a funny QOTW somehow.
(, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 11:20, closed)
Miriam Stoppard ---------->

(, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 13:55, closed)
Sounds like my previous relationship. Sure she didn't have a sister? Fortunately mine was only 2 years, and almost not as bad. I'll post it later...
(, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 16:00, closed)
You'll find someone
Real love isn't metoric and lights up the sky -- that stuff just burns and fizzles fast. Real love is when you look over at a person and realize, "No, shit -- you? Cool."
(, Sun 24 Oct 2010, 21:05, closed)

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