Emma, and the hang-ups of beauty contestants
My early twenties were heaven. Stuck in the depths of a little backwater town just outside Newcastle, I enjoyed exciting relations with a variety of easy-to-please young ladies. Sex was never so easy to obtain, nor so easy to dispense.

One lass who made it particularly easy to dispense was Emma. Emma was, and let me be frank here, FUCKING GORGEOUS. She was nigh-on six feet tall, with a pale fragile complexion, high cheekbones and lots of long, straight blonde hair. She made Jodie Kidd look like Wayne Rooney, and that's no exaggeration (well, maybe a bit).

Lord alone knows what she was doing sleeping with me; I guess she just liked a bit of rough(-and ugly).

Imagine then, ousgg and Emma sat up in bed after a moment of coital bliss. This was about the fourth or fifth time we'd slept together; I was aware that my performance might not have been up to her demanding standards, and sure enough...

"ousgg, honey. You know I love you very much..."

Yeah. I knew. I knew what was coming, too.

"...but I do find sex is very unusual with you...."

'Unusual', eh? This was new.

"I'll be honest. I've been with a lot of men. There were a lot of men chasing me after I won that beauty contest..."

Woooahhh! Sod the bad performance. I've been sleeping with a beauty contest winner! Wait until the chaps down the pub find out about this.

"You won a beauty contest?!"

This didn't have the positive reaction I expected. Emma stiffened slightly and shuddered.

"Ohh, don't.... Look - it wasn't a good time for me. They stripped me of my title shortly afterwards"

Her charming Geordie accent was cracking and her top lip starting to wobble. I gave her a big cuddle and lay there in silence to see if the full story would come out.

"My parents were pushy...they wanted to force me into beauty contests. They called me their 'little princess' and dressed me up in big frocks"

She was on the verge of bursting into tears, now. Lordy - I didn't realise glamour competitions could be so traumatic. Miss Congeniality was quite painful, I know, but this was ridiculous.

"It...it...it was only a local contest, but the winner would go on to enter Miss Tyne & Wear, and from there it was only a short step to Miss Great Britain."

Miss Great Britain, eh? The pool team would have all bought me a pint at the first time of asking.

"I knew I'd done well, and I was over the moon when they gave me the sash, but it all started to get really painful a week later. You see, what I didn't know was that it was tradition for the winner to have her photo taken with a monkey from Gateshead Zoo. They sponsor the competition."

Now I was baffled. "What's so bad about that?"

"I...I'M SCARED OF MONKEYS!" she bawled.

Christ Almighty. "Couldn't you have used a giraffe or an elephant or something?"

"No. Apparently, they've this special pet monkey. He's like a mascot for the zoo. He meets the visitors and everything. And he's always had his photo taken with the beauty contest winner. So when they rang me on the Saturday after the competition, I had to make some sort of excuse. I couldn't bring myself to even think about holding him."

"Surely they didn't sack you for that?"

"They were a bit pissed off. They rang again on Monday. And then Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Every day I fobbed them off. Eventually, the contest manager was on the phone, saying: 'Emma. You're just not co-operating. I'm afraid we'll have to let you go'"

She sniffed a little and dabbed at her eyes.

"You see, a few girls had refused to pose with the monkey before, but none as many as..."

...she bit her lip and I saw a trickle course down her perfectly formed cheeks...

"...my six Miss Consett ape-shuns.".
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 9:51, 5 replies)

Noooooo!
Hook, line, sinker! I feel like I have been visually pick-pocketed!

*doffs hat*
( elgordo, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 10:47, closed)

you are a terrible person
this reminds me of the wonderful old show "my word"

muir and norden, lordy
(Monsun beery wanderlust, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 10:53, closed)

Why was your sex weird?
(i should have joined myspace, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 12:23, closed)

^
this!
( MetaFarad loves to TANZEN!, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 1:04, closed)

*SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANGGGGGGG!!*

( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Mon 29 Sep 2008, 20:11, closed)