In for a penny
My dearest wife has the prettiest buttocks known to man. Smooth orbs of silken delight, baptised with the finest emollients and cremes available. I could eat a meal off them - preferably soup.

But the stench of her turds is such that there must be part of her digestive tract that is actually dead and rotting. With an echoing vibrato, she launches the first Exocet of sloppy shite into the pan - and immediately the bathroom is full of a rank, vegetal stench that smells like 1000-year-old marsh gas bubbling round a floating animal corpse. My hair falls out, my eyes sting, my skin tightens - and I'm not even in the bathroom! It's coming through the walls and under the doors like a Hitchcockian menace. Then there are further gurgles and explosions, and a rich gravy of semi-solids spatters around the toilet.

The smell by this point has it's own heat and the windows begin to steam up. The Bulgarian immigrants in the flat below begin to wail and build a fire against malign spirits. Dogs in the street begin to howl and the TV reception becomes fuzzy. By now, the reek makes me clench my teeth and stuff dampened tissue up my nose. It scorches the back of my throat and causes a facial tic. Wallpaper peels free.

She flushes; she sprays some air freshener, but the stench remains for up to three hours and the blades of the plastic ventilator unit melt. If I'm unlucky, there's still some gas in her colon that will seep out silently the moment she falls asleep. It happened last night and I was forced to open the door and window as I flapped the duvet frantically to dissipate the poison gas.

I'm not joking.

EDIT: spelling changed after advice in replies
(frankspencer, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 16:09, 8 replies)

Reason No 1
Why vegetarians are evil ...
(Biff..., Thu 27 Mar 2008, 16:14, closed)

I feel your pain...
My girlfriend is lovely but her cack is mind blowingly horrible. Sort of a sweet sharp smell with heavy overtones of rotting flesh. Makes me retch every time. Spose it must be they pay off for her being so damn good looking.
(Errorist, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 16:23, closed)

Reminds me of a girl I used to date
Very pretty, but dear God did she fart like a donkey. Not nice.

Not much kills passion like a noise from the bathroom not dissimilar to that which would be produced by tipping a litter of dead puppies down a well.

She's also the subject of my "Stupid Dares" post.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 27 Mar 2008, 16:26, closed)

emoillients
I guess you mean those, unless you have to part with cash to enjoy said fine ass.

Oh and my girlfriend has the prettiest buttocks known to man :)
(Outtheresomewhere, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 16:28, closed)

To borrow a phrase from Pistonheads (and other fora)


Hurried EDIT: ...of the Buttocks. Not the shit. No, that wouldn't be good.
( Fireflier La la la la, not listening on, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 16:31, closed)

if only you found 2girls1cup erotic

that would sort out all your troubles
(Foulkesy123 The one and only..., Thu 27 Mar 2008, 23:39, closed)

God forbid
that your wife and I should ever be in the same room as the combined gases we each create would most likely equal the tokyo underground attack.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 10:40, closed)

*hugs*
I know the feeling well, my girlfriend is this tiny 5'4" petite thing with the most delectable bottom imaginable, but christ, the gasses that emanate from it are the stuff of legends. Like you I'm of the belief that something up there must have died.

Furthermore, she delights in doing it silently in bed then shoving me under the covers to inhale the meaty guff.

Whats worse is that in public I get evil looks as everyone things they come from me rather than my blonde picture of innocence!
(Fleximus Rex briefly gave up lurking on, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 17:11, closed)