Not really a shit story
but it will have to do - I don't have any amusing stories about poo - possibly no amusing stories at all, but still. So possibly this is a "shit story" in the true sense of the word. But it's true.

I am somewhat worried right now, sitting at my desk in London. Back home nearly 100 miles away, in my bedroom, there is an object. Anyone going into that room will instantly see, on a shelf by the bed, an 8 inch cock. Plastic, I hasten to add, but relatively life-like.

My girlfriend has been kind enough to say that mine is of comparative size. It isn't, but it's not too far off. Well, that's what I like to think.

Anyway, said cock was purchased with a strap-on kit. You have to try these things, don't you ?

Well, no, you don't. Sunday night saw me gripping the sides of the bed in some pain as the object was pushed into me.

It really hurt. My God it hurt.

That, however, isn't the problem. The problem is that the cock is still on display. For various reasons, we left my house and went back to my girlfriend's without having time to tidy up the place.

And I was intending to be back at home on Tuesday night, but thanks to Network Rail, that never happened. I'll be back home sometime on Saturday night.

By then, it will be too late. Because by then, my neighbour will have been in the house. She's been away at a friend's, but she's back tonight.

She's 86. To my shame but also delight, she insists on cleaning my house for me.

Seriously. As soon as I gave her a key of her own, she started cleaning my house and doing my washing up. She even takes the bins out. She moans she gets bored if she doesn't get out of the house and tidy up for me. Seriously, she asks in a plaintive voice if I have any washing up for her.

She's 86. God knows, I help her out as much as I can, sorting out her life for her wherever possible. She hardly speaks English - she's Serbian. No children, widowed. I'm the nearest thing to a son she'll ever have.

She's very religious.

She's going to see, erect at the side of my bed, an 8 inch cock.

And I'm not sure how I can ever look her in the eye again.
( I_Was_Mordred, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 16:14, 12 replies)

Chin up
No children, widowed.

There is always a very slim chance she won't recognise it ...
(Biff..., Thu 27 Mar 2008, 16:24, closed)

If she's an 86 year old Serbian woman
She has definitely seen more shocking things that you can possibly imagine.

Wouldn't worry if I were you, unless she decides to give it a go of course......
(Jugular, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 16:31, closed)

Possibly
but it's not a dildo - i.e. a smooth object. It's got the lot - veins, head coloured red, Jap's eye, the works.

I think some packaging is left on the floor of the bedroom which also would demonstrate exactly what it is used for...
( I_Was_Mordred, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 16:31, closed)

Waste not, want not.
If she's even more unsteady on her pins than usual but smiling strangely when you get home, you might want to give your, erm, friend, a damn good wash ...
(ubergeekian, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 16:43, closed)

Ha!
It hurt did it. Good.
( girlinthehole, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 19:18, closed)

surely...
Can't it just be passed off as a 'joke present' type of affair? She will get a bit of a surprise when she finds it, but once you explain it would seem plausible enough to be from a drunken friend on ebay one night or whatever...
(442, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 22:07, closed)

442
She speaks very little English - amazing as she has been over here for 40 years.

This is a woman who spends the entire week waiting in for the meter-reading man because she is paranoid if he doesn't read her meter, she'll get cut off.

I've tried for nearly 5 years to tell her she's wrong on that one. She put the bleach in the fridge once. If she gets a circular from the bank, she worries...

She's not going to understand an artificial phallus, trust me.

I'm just no longer going to be the nice boy (boy - I'm 40 for God's sake !) she thought I was. No big deal in some ways but God knows there is little enough innocence left in the world - thanks to my stupid, stupid desire to see what it felt like to get fucked, there is a little less around tonight than there was before...
( I_Was_Mordred, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 22:55, closed)

Screw the old neighbour!
Not literally, of course. (She'll have done that herself with your little friend!)

As an (apparently) heterosexual man, you should be a great deal more concerned about your desire to be rump-wrangled / bum-burgled / booty-loved.

As a naive(ish - pffft!) straight guy, I have the desire to give my lady some botty sausage (unwaveringly denied *sigh*) but I'm alarmingly protective of my poop-chute virginity.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 13:11, closed)

Look on the bright side...
maybe your neighbour will spend some time giving your new toy a damned goooood clean, it's amazing how stubborn some of those sweetcorn husks can be when they get ingrained in the grooves and furrows in the latex.

Ahem. I believe.

It should be squeaky clean by your return, possibly enough to pop back in the box and return for a refund.

Next time, put a condom on it!
(Rsoles, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 13:22, closed)

Greencloud
I'm a "try anything once" sort of chap. Obviously there are *some* limits to that, but otherwise, why not ? I can't say I recommend the experience to anyone, but I know some people like it up the wrong un, regardless of gender or sexuality, so I thought it was worth a try. I think I'd have drawn the line had it have been a real cock though.
( I_Was_Mordred, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 17:13, closed)

Don't worry, dude.
You're far from being the only hetero male who's wondered what it's like to be on the receiving end. I suspect that most guys wonder and secretly want to try it.

A few words of advice, should you wish to try it again:

-lube. Lots of it. Put some not only on the toy and outside your ringpiece, but use your fingers to put some inside you as well.

-warm up a little before going for the full thing. That means that she (or you) should start out with a finger or two and massage the sphincter a little from the inside. Then take it slow on the initial insertion- she should stay still while you move backward onto it, and take it slowly. Alternatively, you can straddle her and take control of the initial penetration that way- after the first few moments of it, you can switch positions and she can go to town and it won't hurt as the muscle has already been stretched.

-the size of the toy really does matter. Apropos to the QOTW: pay attention to what comes out of you the next time you drop a large log. You don't want to use a toy that's larger in diameter than that.

-if you're going to do it, make sure you've recently taken a dump to clear out space in there. Otherwise you're going to have a lot of santorum afterward, and it's going to be uncomfortable having your innards compressed, so to speak. (Google for the word "santorum" for edification.)

And how do I know all of these things? From reading a lot of hilariously strange things online, mostly. www.sensibleerection.com tends to have some rather odd conversations take part in the comments...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 28 Mar 2008, 19:16, closed)

Oh Loony
...you have made me feel all warm inside!

Ahem, what I mean is, "Did you see the match last night?"


Or something.

Greencloud, try out one of these : www.rude-boy.com/products/19/_rude-boy/

then come back and tell us if you hated having your "bits" probed (with the added bonus of shooting your bolt across the room!!) and if you are any less straight. Probably not in both cases, but you may well be a little less naiive.
(Rsoles, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 20:10, closed)