It's the way I tell 'em
I was an assistant at a B&Q garden centre. Old woman approaches me:

Woman: Have you got bird nuts?
Me: No - it's just the way I walk.
Woman: Eh?
(Fothermucker, Thu 10 May 2012, 16:24, 15 replies)

funny
When I read that, I laughed so hard that I shit my pants and had to go to the office toilets to chnage.
(Fothermucker, Thu 10 May 2012, 16:37, closed)

hilarious
Sweet Jesus! I'm still laughing, and I've just coughed up my pancreas!
(Fothermucker, Thu 10 May 2012, 16:38, closed)

death by laughing
Oh God oh God. I just copied and pasted this into an email to send to a relative with cancer to cheer them up and it set me off again. I'm laughing so hard that they can't attach the defibrillator paddles to my chest!
(Fothermucker, Thu 10 May 2012, 16:39, closed)

ROFL!
My trousers are literally soaked with steaming piss and my lungs have gone into spasm. They've called a priest.

Deano in accounts has just read the original post and immediately went into an epileptic fit of mirth.
(Fothermucker, Thu 10 May 2012, 16:41, closed)

so funny!
Bird nuts! Genius! Do birds even have nuts? There are people all over the office undergoing CPR as I tap this message out with my nose . . . they've strapped me up in a straight-jacket but the convulsive laughter won't subside. Janice on the helpdesk has just sprayed tea all over her monitor and simultaneously shat her tights.
(Fothermucker, Thu 10 May 2012, 16:43, closed)

so funny its tragic
Old Brian from the warehouse just hyperventialted himself into a coma, but he's still got a smile on his face as they wheel him off on the gurney. Sandra from accounts had her left eyeball pop out just a minute ago and John from the postroom has a herniated rectum.

I'm a streaming pillar of mucus. Just can't stop myself. Bird nuts! O god! Oh god . . there goes my spleen!
(Fothermucker, Thu 10 May 2012, 16:46, closed)

fucking holy crab tart!
My mouth is in rictus. It's agony, but the gift keeps on giving. My bowels are clear as a box-fresh PVC waste outlet. June from sales laughed so hard they had to club her into submission with hammers because she'd broken open a vial of amyl nitrate and was humping the copier with a weird, wailing scream.
(Fothermucker, Thu 10 May 2012, 16:48, closed)

jizz on toast!
Bird nuts! Way I walk! Fucking Jesus on a pogostick! I've banged my head on the floor til I see stars, but it just keeps on being funny. Mum emailed to say that Uncle Herbert swalloed a pool ball when he heard about it and dropped dead where he sat - in the driver's seat of the school bus. Five dead, they say on the news . . . but laughing as they went flaming into the precipice.

Flora, the boss's mother, just had a stroke when she read it. They've wired my testes to a car battery and the smell of burning hair is repellant, but I just keep hearing that punchline. Way I walk!

The way I fucking walk! Who cares if my nads are parboiled!
(Fothermucker, Thu 10 May 2012, 16:52, closed)

bell-end sherbert!
There are no more tears. I look like a raisin.

Colleen from the postroom just gushed her period into her gusset and she passed her menopause eight years ago! Old Bert from the janitor's office got a boner so hardy that he used it to play 'Yankee Doodle Dandy' on a child's xylophone that someone left in the stock room.

Then Barry stood on a desk and screamed Bird Nuts!, whereupon four people died instantly and 14 others were moved to copulate like grunting swine until sprayed with fire extinguishers.

My groin is a wasteland of charred and puckered flesh, and still I'm laughing. My god, I'm laughing unto the very threshold of this fragile existence, amen.
(Fothermucker, Thu 10 May 2012, 16:58, closed)

have a click
Just for the replies
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Thu 10 May 2012, 17:22, closed)

That he's replying to himself,
rather spoils the effect, though.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 10 May 2012, 19:53, closed)

I know
Still made me laugh
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Fri 11 May 2012, 11:50, closed)

Was this before or after you asked the customer...
..."Do you want decking?"
But he got his punch in first?
( Snappyuk gets BIGGER with free sample., Thu 10 May 2012, 21:38, closed)

I genuinely LOLed my FAO
...at those replies.
Indeed, I guffawed such that my aorta, spleen, carotid artery, frontal cortex, and gall bladder simultaneously ruptured, sending a putrescent stream of blood, urine, faeces, and semen out of my living room window directly into the face of a nearby vicar, who consequently renounced his faith and, chuckling heartily, proceeded to brutally slaughter the entire population of Chelmsford.
Thanks for that.
(InflammableHound may be recorded for training porpoises, Thu 10 May 2012, 23:55, closed)

Also,
"Have you got cheese balls?"
"No, just the regular kind."

"Where are the moth balls?"
"Between their tiny legs."
( tromboner cherophobia is my kind of fun, Fri 11 May 2012, 0:25, closed)