Tidy
The chinese cocklers of Morecombe Bay were told to leave the beach when the when the tide reached knee high.

Problem was, Nee Hi was in the van
(bendyness shows you on the brick where he licked her, Mon 6 Feb 2006, 21:26, Reply)

Ticket to...
A woman gives birth, and a nurse takes the baby into an adjacent room to clean it up.
She re-enters and approaches the mother, the babe wrapped up in a towel in her arms.
"Congratulations," she says. "It's a healthy baby girl."
As she says this, she accidentally drops the baby, which promptly lands right on its squishy noggin.
"My baby!" screams the mother.
"Don't worry, I'll get it!" smiles the nurse. However, she unfortunately stumbles and places her foot right on the baby's face, before accidentally kicking it across the room. It hits the wall with a sickening crack before the nurse runs over to it, peels it off the floor and throws it out of the window.
"What are you doing?!" yells the mother.
"April Fools!" replies the nurse. "It was already dead!"
(Sparkytus is obviously not a golfer, Mon 6 Feb 2006, 20:01, Reply)

A sailor on shore for the first time is fucking yoinks,
decides he needs to hide the helmet, so he goes to the cheapest, dirtiest, dingiest brothels in Portsmouth. There was an old stove in the corner with a filthy old encrusted pan boiling something brown and runny which smelled slightly savoury with overtones of vomit. Hanging on the front were the whore's worn huge grey pants. The amonia had burnt away the gusset and left a map of Cyprus on the front and the stains in the rear were too heavily impressed, no detergent could shift it. He was greeted by a fat smelly whore dressed in a heavily spunk soiled pale grey nighty, which was most probably white a few decades back and a fag sticking out of her scabby lips. Well any port in a storm, and all that, he decides it will do. She lifts up her nighty releasing a smell quite similar to Billinsgate Market on a hot day mixed with the heavy stench of urine and a bit of shit.

The old hag removed her nighty over her head to reveal her breasts which were around a foot long and hung round her waiste like a couple of condoms filled with puke. Her belly was scarred with so many stretch marks, it looked a little like the London Underground map through a mist of grime. She farted. She farted again only this time a little bit of poo came out. She kicked the tiny turd under the coffee table without flinching.

He turned to look at the coffee table. There was some sivler paper, a burnt spoon and a needle nesting neatly next to a baby's feeding bottle. He also noticed several used condoms on both the floor and the coffee table. The remains of a take-away were visible and the remaining contents had begun to turn mouldy.
She opened her mouth to speak and a sound that only a chimp could relate to uttered, "You want it rough or smooth?"
The young sailor scratched his head a staired down at the little piece of toilet paper stuck to her enourmous twat.
Quicky, he answered, "What's the difference?". The ghastly woman looked him square in the eye with her one working one. She belched. She belched again on this time a little bit of sick came out. Then she answered him thus. "Rough you take me how I is. Smooth, I pick the scabs off and you ride in on the pus".
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Mon 6 Feb 2006, 19:44, Reply)

oh
why does stevie wonder always smile?

he doesn't know he's black
(gedo69, Mon 6 Feb 2006, 19:12, Reply)

ahhh
how do black mothers teach their children to walk?
buy them a chicken
(gedo69, Mon 6 Feb 2006, 19:11, Reply)

he he
why do black people smell?

so the blind can hate 'em as well
(gedo69, Mon 6 Feb 2006, 19:10, Reply)

oooooh
what did helen keller say when she fell off the cliff?

nothing! she had her mittens on!
(gedo69, Mon 6 Feb 2006, 18:58, Reply)

ha!ha!ha
whats the difference between niggers and bicycles?

bicycles don't sing when you chain 'em together!
(gedo69, Mon 6 Feb 2006, 18:52, Reply)

2 lumps
Why do they call the Camel ship of the desert?
because they are full of Arab Seamen (semen, jizz, manshake, cogurt)
(donny dogsbottom, Mon 6 Feb 2006, 16:52, Reply)

Delightful.
What's the upside to a little girl being raped and killed?

At least she didn't die a virgin.
(Nash Odyssey is a nasty, nasty man (or possibly woman), Mon 6 Feb 2006, 12:12, Reply)

love
why do they have a bucket of shit at a paki wedding?
to keep the flies off the bride

what do you say to a nigger with a job?

big mac and fries please
(gedo69, Mon 6 Feb 2006, 11:57, Reply)

obvious
i don't care what people say , there is nothing wrong with blacks! every white person should own one!
(gedo69, Mon 6 Feb 2006, 11:54, Reply)

sick
a paedophile and a little girl are walking through the woods, it starts to get dark and the little girl says " i'm getting scared" to which the paedophile replies " you're scared? what about me? i have to walk back on my own!"
(gedo69, Mon 6 Feb 2006, 11:51, Reply)

short n nasty
What's warm and pink in the evening and cold and blue in the morning?

Cot death.
(No Good Deed, Mon 6 Feb 2006, 11:27, Reply)

American Foreign Policy
...er, that's it.
(DrTugnut, Mon 6 Feb 2006, 11:22, Reply)

good jokes
These are some of my fav jokes ever. :)

A black dad and his kid are sitting on a plane and they overhear on the intercom "I'm sorry passengers, but we have overloaded the plane, we will need to start removing passengers and will do so alphabetically... are there any African Americans? Blacks? Coons...."

The son looks up at his dad and asks, "Dad we are black, why don't we say anything?"

The dad replies, "today son, we are niggers!"
`````
Two Hasidic Jews were walking down the street one day. They ran into
Abe, an old friend. When they ask how he was doing he said, "I'm doing
great. I just hit the lottery for ten million dollars!."

Naturally aroused they ask him what he did with the money. He replied,
"I bought the biggest piece of property money could buy right in the
heart of Berlin, Germany. On that property, I built a mansion and on my
front lawn I put a solid gold life size statue of Adolf Hitler!"

His friends are completely shocked and couldn't believe what he had
done. They said, "Adolf Hitler, are you crazy?"

With that, he calmly pointed at his inner forearm and says, "Adolf
vasn't such a bad guy... he gave me the winning numbers!
``````````
Q: What is so great about anal sex?
A: It is warm, tight, and more degrading to women.

Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt once in a while too.
````
A moment or two after a highway accident, an old Jewish man
came up to a woman lying by the roadside. "Have the police
come yet?" the man asked.

"No," the woman moaned.

"Has the ambulance been here yet?"

"No," the injured woman repeated.

"How about the insurance company?"

"No."

"Listen," the Jewish man said, bending down. "Do you mind if
I lay down next to you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What is red and orange and looks good on the French?
A: Fire.
(Heinemeister, Mon 6 Feb 2006, 10:54, Reply)

short ones really are the best
how do you turn a cat into a dog?

pour petrol on it..light...and WOOF!!!!

always made me smile anyway...

J
(johnl tinga, Sun 5 Feb 2006, 20:59, Reply)

21
what's so great about fucking twenty-one year olds?

theres twenty of them.
(simod, Sun 5 Feb 2006, 20:31, Reply)

Oh and the worst....
Whats red and crawls up your leg?

A homesick abortion.


I'm gonna stop now, I don't want to be in Dantes inner circle. Eek.
( demondethe, Sun 5 Feb 2006, 16:02, Reply)

Oh and another...
Why did the paedophile cross the road?

Because his dick was stuck in the chicken.
( demondethe, Sun 5 Feb 2006, 16:00, Reply)

Im sure this ones on here but theres millions of pages...

What's eight inches long and makes women scream in the middle of the night?

Cotdeath.

*So* going to hell.
( demondethe, Sun 5 Feb 2006, 15:54, Reply)

Sick Jokes
What must you never, ever say in a Gay Bar?

Can I push your stool in for you ?
(hemeloid, Sun 5 Feb 2006, 15:39, Reply)

Jobs
Have you heard the one about the two blacks who applied for the same job?



Me Neither.
(tranmerefan, Sun 5 Feb 2006, 13:31, Reply)

world's sickest joke
It's an oldie, and you might need to google Donald Neilson to get it - but my all-time fave is:

Q: What's green and slimy and hangs down drains?

A: Lesley Whittle
(thisispop, Sun 5 Feb 2006, 9:29, Reply)

What's the diff?
What's easier to empty?
A truckload of Bowling Balls or Dead Babies?

Ya can't use a pitchfork on the Bowling Balls...
(thanatos, Sun 5 Feb 2006, 3:39, Reply)

Hamster Joke
q: Why should you wrap your hamster in duct tape?




a: So it doesn't explode when you fuck it!
(thanatos, Sun 5 Feb 2006, 3:35, Reply)

um..
What's the difference between a jew and a pizza?

The pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven

(I am so, so sorry)
(Dolokhov, Sun 5 Feb 2006, 2:47, Reply)

not mine
Overheard some guy tell this one:

In france how do you seperate men from boys?

Buttplugs
(annhialus hasn't had an accident since, Sat 4 Feb 2006, 22:43, Reply)