dyslexic.
Two blokes in a ski resort, one of them is dyslexic.

dyslexic: 'excuse me mate, when I come down the mountain, do I zag zig or zig zag?'

bloke: 'dunno pal, I'm a tobogganist'

dyslexic: fair enough mate, I'll have 20 Marlboro light!'
(barronshark, Tue 14 Feb 2006, 10:04, Reply)

not sick
went to the zoo the other day.......

but when I arrived there were no animals in sight...except for just one really small dog...

it was a shitsu.
(barronshark, Tue 14 Feb 2006, 10:03, Reply)

*cough*

sorry.
(That guy with a hat., Tue 14 Feb 2006, 5:26, Reply)

how do u stop a rabbit hopping?
chop of its legs and punch a girl in the face.
(fwack bang on it, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 19:33, Reply)

.
Q: Whats the diffrence between a french women and a basketball team?
A: The basketball team showers after 4 periods.
(fwack bang on it, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 19:30, Reply)

.
In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.

Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!

Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.
(fwack bang on it, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 19:26, Reply)

A cop stops his police car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb.

The chap is laying on his side with his trousers pulled down, the girl has her finger in his asshole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.

The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"

The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pounding down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."

The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."

She says, "Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth."
(fwack bang on it, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 19:24, Reply)

Three whores decide to see who has the biggest snatch.?
They get naked, and start fingering themselves and each other.

After a few minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves.

The second one then squats on the table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which is even bigger.

The third one squats on the table, but when she stands back up, the first whore says, "You didn't leave an outline."

She says, "Smell the rim."
(fwack bang on it, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 19:22, Reply)

wats sicker than fingering you three year old sister?
Finding your old mans wedding ring whilst your up there!!!!!!!
(fwack bang on it, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 19:12, Reply)

Queen Of Tarts (or as Oliver Cromwell would have said whilst switting the throat of a Paddywack bog jumper "The Filthy Stupid Slut")
What's the difference between Princess Di and Prince William?

One is heir to the throne and the other

was thrown through the air


Cor Lumey!
(poopascoopa, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 16:13, Reply)

SMASH HITS LAST HEADLINE!!! "Kylie's tits found in medical waste bin"
))))80's flashback((((

Where does Kylie buy her kebabs from?


Jason's dona-van


lawks! sma-SHIT-its RIP
(poopascoopa, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 15:39, Reply)

Being A Spazz
I am an epileptic and my purple pills don't always control my chihuahua shakes...recently I was in bed with my lovely, shagable girlfriend and my shoulder (which is fucked) popped out of it's socket. Luckily, my doctor had prescribed me morphine elixir (bisexual viagra :-)) As she reached over to pour some for me, I accidentally kicked her arse. Her response was instinctive and utterly true..."..what the!?..you spazz!".

She's still apologizing...i love being me
(jo-jo the majic clown, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 11:19, Reply)

What do you do
when you've finished fucking bald pussy?

Pull up her diaper!

Not mine really, some bastard asked me this question while in school many moons ago. Probably the same bastard that came up to me and asked "Would you suck my cock if it was clean?" To which I replied no. Then he called me a "dirty cock sucker". School was not a happy place.

Edit: just thought of another slightly sick joke...
How do you get rid of a tapeworm?

Shove an orange, an apple and a banana up your ass every day for a week. On the 8th day shove an orange and an apple up your ass. When the tapeworm pops his head out to ask where his banana is, you can hit it on the head with a hammer.

Edit 2: Just thought of another:
A young man had just joined the crew of a ship and was being given a tour. The tour led through all the important parts of the ship and eventually led to a small room with nothing in it but a barrel with a couple of holes in it. When the young man asked about it, his guide said "Well, you know there aren't any women on this ship and it can become quite lonely". Just then, some very unhappy fellow came walking into the room carrying a bucket full of cleaning supplies. Of course the young man asked what he was doing, to which his guide replied "oh he's on barrel duty".
(ShigTheNewt isn't funny. -_-, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 9:41, Reply)

Irish version of an old poem
one potato
two potatoes
no more potatoes
famine
(snowy, Mon 13 Feb 2006, 1:21, Reply)

Here goes......
Whats blue and doesn't fit?

A dead epileptic.
(Benjibogs, Sun 12 Feb 2006, 19:09, Reply)

What's black and white and red all over?
Panda rape
( Strawberry Dragon, Sun 12 Feb 2006, 13:42, Reply)

more!
An undertaker says to a bereaved husband,
"When did you realise your wife was dead?"
"Well" He replies "The sex was the same but the dishes just kept piling up.."
(Kaziko, Sun 12 Feb 2006, 4:59, Reply)

Sick Joke
A man rings up his manager and says
"I can't come in today because I'm sick."
His manager asks
"We've got a lot of work on today, how sick are you?"
The man replies
"Well, I'm fucking my daughter..."
( ridicully, Sun 12 Feb 2006, 1:44, Reply)

Not really a joke but a song I got into a lot of shit for:
All about the Man Utd air disaster:

Who's that lying on the runway?
Who's that dying in the snow?
It's Matt Busby and the boys making all the fucking noise,
'cos they couldn't get the aeroplane to go!
(Bee in a cage, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 21:11, Reply)

PRISON
a new warder is doing the rounds , getting to know the inmates. He enters one cell with three people in it, 2 whites and a black.
He says to the first white " what are you in for?" he answers " 5 years . Attempted rape, judge said if i'd raped her i would've got 10!"
He turns to the next white man' "what you in for?" He replies " 10 years, attempted murder. Judge said i would've got 20 if i'd murdered him!"

He looks at the black man, " what you in for son?"

" 20 years sir, no lights on my bike!



judge said i would've got life if it had been night time!!!!"
(gedo69, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 20:00, Reply)

They're here somewhere but I haven't found it:
What's blue and fucks old grannies?

Me in my lucky blue coat.
(Bee in a cage, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 18:26, Reply)

What's the coldest place in the U.K?
Dunblane. It's minus sixteen
(the.gregster, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 16:44, Reply)

Did you know....
That Jamie Bulger was an Alcoholic and drug addict?

When they found him he was half-cut and stoned.
(the.gregster, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 16:43, Reply)

What's got 8 legs and a big black cunt?
The "A" Team
(the.gregster, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 16:42, Reply)

How can you tell if a leper is playing ice hockey?

There is a 'face off' in the rink
(throatwobblermangrove, Thu 9 Feb 2006, 23:57, Reply)

Roy Castle finally made it into the Guiness Book Of Records
They gave him 6 Months to live and he did it in 2
(throatwobblermangrove, Thu 9 Feb 2006, 23:54, Reply)

Leper
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip
(throatwobblermangrove, Thu 9 Feb 2006, 23:49, Reply)

Why did Hitler kill himself?
He got the gas bill.
(Clarissa, Thu 9 Feb 2006, 22:16, Reply)

How do you stop a dog shagging your leg?
pick it up and suck it's cock
(pdjpdj, Thu 9 Feb 2006, 21:58, Reply)

Old People
An old lady is sitting in an old persons home looking out the window when an old man walks up to her and says "I know we can no longer take pleasure is sexual activities but could you come to the park with me and hold my penis?" Seeing no harm in this she agrees and it becomes a regular occourance. The same bench, the same day of the week. untill one day the old lady goes to their regualr spot and he isn't there. Slightly upset about this she goes looking for him. She gginds him sitting on a bench with another woman holding his penis!
Distraught by this she goes up to him and shouts "What does she have that I don't?! He looks up smiling and says "Parkinsons".
(Range, Thu 9 Feb 2006, 19:35, Reply)