Why didn't Mother Teresa suck my dick?
I was fucking her in the ass at the time.
(dig_dug, Mon 27 Feb 2006, 13:46, Reply)

Healthy....
If you ate Stephen Hawking, would that count as one of your "five a day" portions?
(2blue, Sun 26 Feb 2006, 21:58, Reply)

Kitten....
What's the difference between a kitten and a pizza?


A kitten takes 3 minutes longer in the microwave.
(2blue, Sun 26 Feb 2006, 21:47, Reply)

How do you know when your sister is having her period?
Your dad's dick tastes funny.
(G P Enius & Eureka! Lottovitt Not to be sniffed at!, Sun 26 Feb 2006, 21:39, Reply)

What's worse than having Michael jackson looking after your children?
having Ian Huntly bathe them!
(the.gregster, Sun 26 Feb 2006, 21:37, Reply)

Sounds better when you're pissed.
A man is walking through the park, when he sees a cute little girl walking her little dog.
The man thinks how sweet, and he goes up to the girl and says "Hi Sweetie, what's your dog called?"
"He's called Porky, mister"
"That's a very odd name, why do you call him that?"
"Cos he fucks pigs"
(2blue, Sun 26 Feb 2006, 21:34, Reply)

What do you get if you cross a wog with some yoghurt
..


Woghurt


*genius*
( Spunky McPunk not dead yet, Sun 26 Feb 2006, 14:31, Reply)

Just wrong
A young boy and a paedophile are walking through the woods. The boy says "Mister, my feet are hurting", the paedophile replies "Quit whining you little bastard, I've got to walk back too".
(bej, Sun 26 Feb 2006, 13:08, Reply)

....im not racist
What's a black man's pick-up line?

"Shut up or I'll kill you".

_________________________________________

Why are black peoples' eyes red after sex?

Cuz of the pepper spray
(kiss_my_bunni, Sun 26 Feb 2006, 13:06, Reply)

oooh yeah
"I like my women the same way I enjoy my whisky....10 years old, mixed up in coke & stored in the basement".
(kiss_my_bunni, Sun 26 Feb 2006, 9:18, Reply)

kaboom
A man walks into a sex shop and tells the woman behind the counter he's looking for a blow up doll.

The woman asks, "Would you like a Christian or a Muslim doll?"

Confused, the man says "What's the difference?"

"Well" replies the woman, "the Muslim one blows itself up".
(kiss_my_bunni, Sun 26 Feb 2006, 8:26, Reply)

Mmm
When is the only time you're allowed to spit on an Indian woman's face?

When her moustache is on fire.
(kiss_my_bunni, Sun 26 Feb 2006, 8:13, Reply)

Hee hee
Two nuns, walking home after dark, are jumped by two strapping young lads of the sort that are so full of love they can't help getting a little on you (usually on your leg). The first nun grips her rosary and prays,
"Father, forgive them, they know not what they do."
Whereupon the second nun hisses,
"Shh... mine does."
(CK is rocking out near you (cosmologically speaking), Sat 25 Feb 2006, 23:33, Reply)

...and another
Mummy, Mummy! Grandma's got a bruise.

Shut up and eat around it!
( Drunken Vet, Sat 25 Feb 2006, 21:39, Reply)

Ok and another
Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass"
The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look". "Fuck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies I've been fucked by an elephant".
The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".
Patient replies "He fingered me first".
( Drunken Vet, Sat 25 Feb 2006, 21:37, Reply)

Really Sick (sorry)
Whats Pink and smells of holly????


Ian Huntleys Dick
(Wook13 Been away but is now ducking a fuck on, Sat 25 Feb 2006, 20:41, Reply)

One last one
A girl says to her dad:
"Dad! Guess how old I am today?" The Dad replies;
"You're six!"
"Correct!" yells the daughter, she goes into the lounge where her grandad is;
"Grandad, guess how old I am today!?"
He pulls down her skirt, fingers her, smells his fingers, licks his fingers and says;
"Your Six"
"How did you know grandad?" she says
"I heard your dad say it in the other room" he says



*Gets coat*
( Drunken Vet, Sat 25 Feb 2006, 20:33, Reply)

How do you know if your sister's on her period?
Your Dad's cock tastes wierd
( Drunken Vet, Sat 25 Feb 2006, 20:30, Reply)

What's pink and wrinkly and falls out of trees?
A monkey miscarrige
( Drunken Vet, Sat 25 Feb 2006, 20:29, Reply)

What's orange and smells of hippo shit?
Zippy's dick
(tree hugger putting the "semen" in "basement"..., Sat 25 Feb 2006, 14:55, Reply)

sickest jokes
elton john and his husband are on honey moon, elton has to go on a publicity shoot, elton says to his partner stay here and dont wank while im gone, he returns to the room to find cum allover the sheets and says to his husband i told you not to wank, then came the reply i didnt wank, i farted
(dude2, Sat 25 Feb 2006, 14:51, Reply)

THE DIRTIEST JOKE
A family comes in to a talent agent, and the dad goes to the agent, and says "We have an amazing act for you, its a family act...and we would really like some of your time to show you it." The agent is fine with this, and lets them show him their act. The dad and mom walk out, and the mom strips off all her clothes, and the dad preceeds to take his hand, and stick it up her ass. he pulls out a huge shit, full of blood because, of course, if you are to stick your fist up a woman's ass, some blood will come out. The son, 11, and the daughter, 8 come out with a bucket and drop the moms shit in it. the boy then dumps the shit all over his cock and the daughter sucks the shit off. she then throws up all over the boy, and the dad precedes to finger his daughter. The mom then goes down on her own son. Thats when the dog comes out. the dad and son jerk off with the grandpa surrounding the dog, the mom turns around and bleeds out her ass in the circle, then the daughter gags herself on the dog while the grandma pisses all over in their circle. the mom shits on the dog again and the dog runs out covered in jizz, shit, piss, vomit, and blood. Everyone has sex with the dog so they are all covered in shit in piss and they roll around in it all and finally they all stand in a circle while the men finger the women one generation down. The son fingers his grandma, the dad fingers his daughter, and the grandpa fingers his daughter. They all stand covered in jizz, piss, shit, vomit, and blood and the agent says "WHAT DO YOU EVEN CALL THAT?" and they reply, "the aristocrats."
(chickayeahson, Sat 25 Feb 2006, 4:29, Reply)

joke
What's black and does your child's hair for you?

Lukemia
([email protected] Bollockchop, Fri 24 Feb 2006, 15:50, Reply)

And another.....
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

A: Wiped his arse.
(bandgeekmafia78, Fri 24 Feb 2006, 10:52, Reply)

PROOF: Starvation and suffering can be funny!
Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection?

A: Quarter pounder with cheese
(bandgeekmafia78, Fri 24 Feb 2006, 10:46, Reply)

.
I couldn't find the food you like
I couldn't find a card
So I hope these flowers say it best:
Dear Lord you make me hard
(skase, Fri 24 Feb 2006, 2:28, Reply)

Lots of racist and pedo jokes but not enough sexist ones!
Why do women have legs?

Have you seen the mess snails make?
(craddster, Fri 24 Feb 2006, 2:10, Reply)

Infamous joke (but a long one. Improv)
A man walks into the office of a talent agent, he walks up to the agent and says, "I've got an act for you. It's me and my family and I'd like you to represent us."
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."
The man says, "But, this is really something special, not your normal family act."
The agent says, "Okay, describe it to me in 5 minutes."

So the man begins. "Well, my wife and I run out on stage in clown make up and she begins to juggle 4 live kittens.
Of course my wife isn't a very good juggler so she drops 3 of them and then eats the 4th. Whole. She's got an amazing set of jaws on her.
As she's doing this I've stripped down to my birthday suit and I'm erect because seeing kittens being killed and eaten whole always turns me on. So I go behind me wife and begin to do her from behind. Well, she gets the kitten stuck in her throat and so I have to do it harder to make it come out. It does and it goes flying, normally clears the first few rows and lands on the lap of an audience member. 9 times out of 10 it's still alive.

As soon as the cats gone flying my 12 year old son and 9 year old daughter run across the stage. My daughter of course being on fire. So myself and my son piss on her to put there fire out, we have to drink a lot of fluids before the show and the timing is crucial here, so far though no mess ups. So my daughter is no longer on fire and covered in urine. Of course I love seeing 9 year old girls covered in urine after being on fire so I'm still erect. However I let my son have his way with his sister first. He's young so he busts a nut pretty quick, all over the family dog that has jumped from the ceiling dressed in a Nazi uniform.

It's about this time, as I'm nailing my wife from behind that I need a shit because of the laxative I take before hand. So I shit into a couple of those things you put pies in, still doing my wife. I'm very multi talented. So I get these 4 shit pies lined up, normally a fairly good consistency. Not too runny, I make sure I eat enough solids for it not to be too runny.
I then pull out of my wife and spray my load all over her back before picking up a pie and smashing it into her face.
My son grabs one and pretends to throw it at his mother but throws it at his sister who does a triple front flip landing face first into another pie. Then I get the last pay and launch it into the crowd as far as I can as our dog does the goose step across the stage. So we stand there, covered in shit, clown makeup running a bit and theres normally some blood because of the tightness of my daughter and of course cum. So we stand there naked and then deliver a Barbershop version of 'Baby Got Back' before the lights go down.

The man looks at the agent and says, "Well, that's the act. Do you like it?"
The agent just sits in silence. You could cut it with a knife. Finally, he replies, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"
To which the man replies, with an eager grin, "The Sophisticates."
(Bretty, Fri 24 Feb 2006, 1:12, Reply)

Necrophiliac's Philosophy
Sit back, relax, and crack open a cold one.
(tardbones, Thu 23 Feb 2006, 21:58, Reply)