i'm sorry but it had to be done...
thank fuck i am no longer going out with my ex, a violent loathsome individual and all round nasty and alcoholic waste of space. with a terrible snoring disorder.

so we were lying on the bed a while ago and he was asleep. i was pretty much dressed as it was about 4am and was trying to be bothered to get up and go home. suddenly he let rip with the most god almighty fart known to man. this did not amuse me. the smell was indescribable and, worst of all, it was such an offensive fart that he had woken himself up. never a good sign.

shaking his head and looking blearily around, he jumped off the bed and shot into the bathroom. within seconds, i heard the attractive sound of snoring coming from the toilet. nice.

but after a moment i realised that the smell was still lingering. peeling open my own bloodshot eyes, i noticed the dark stain on the sheets right. next. to. my. fucking. head. a leopard with curry up its ass couldn't have moved that quickly. i jumped up and finished getting dressed. the dirty bastard had skidded on the sheets. it was all over. and i don't just mean all over the sheets.

or was it? i couldn't find my right boot. eventually, as the snoring from the bathroom increased in crescendo, i turned the light on. and nearly barfed and fainted. he had not just followed through but had actually curled out an entire "richard the third". there it sat, coiled on the bed, looking at me. jesus. had he been facing the other way, the foul animal would have shat on ME!

i turned the light off, ran out, jumped in my car and fled home. i was so traumatised i had to wake my flatmate. she laughed herself silly. then she sat up.

"you turned the light off?"

"yes."

"so he would have woken up on the toilet... decided it was time to go back to bed... got back in it in the dark..."

that sentence should NEVER be finished.

apologies for length, it's as therapeutic now as it was the first time i posted this....
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 11:17, Reply)