Talking of smoking
Has anyone tried one of those electric fags that don't produce any smoke? I'm intrigued.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 10:04, 107 replies)

Didn't know they existed
Is it analogous to wanking?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 10:08, closed)

Nope...
news.softpedia.com/news/New-smokeless-cigarette-delivers-full-smoking-satisfaction-5853.shtml
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 10:19, closed)

Now now
Wednseday is over, so no more talk of wanking. It's naked thursday now.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 10:25, closed)

^
if everyone adopts my new weekly scheme does that constitute a religion (or even a cult)? If so, does that make me the Messiah of Bodily Abuse?

*writes bible*
*collects tithes*
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 10:27, closed)

^^Well If it's going to be a religion...

I'll only worship on Friday

;)
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 27 Mar 2008, 10:29, closed)

^
*hands out alms lube*
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 10:29, closed)

CHCB
We could call it the Wible! -this could be the first religion where having a messiah with holes in his hands is a good thing.
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 10:31, closed)

I haven't had a poo all week
The other half is going to get a hell of a suprise on saturday.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 10:31, closed)

@CHCB
So long as you don't claim to be:

the child of God;
born of a virgin;
immortal

or to demand money, then yes.

Where do I sign up?

EDIT: Just spotted the tithes bit. Forget it!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 10:32, closed)

^
*writes Wible*
*hands out wetwipes*

Edit: I am not a child of God, though my mother screamed "Jesus Christ!" at me on occasion. I am not immortal though I've seen Highlander a few times. My virginity has grown back though I figure I should have a fun time getting rid of it again.

Edit: oh born of a virgin. MAHAAAAA - no way, dude. My mum? MWHAHAAA.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 10:32, closed)

I'll worship anyone..
Who practises what they preace.
( girlinthehole, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 10:34, closed)

Wet wipes are the future!
I've discovered the perfect balance of wiping after a good poo.

Drywipe, wetwipe, drywipe, CLEAN!

TMI?
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 10:35, closed)

@Bert
But do you put them in the fridge before you eat a particularly spicy curry?
(Bazongaloid, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 10:36, closed)

My grandad
was a tight fisted old bugger and would only use three sheets of toilet paper.

A dirty one, a clean one and a polisher.

I have investigated this strategy and it almost always results in unsatisfactory results, including penetration of the fingers through the paper.

Wet wipes seem much more civilised, and kinder to the Chalfonts too.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 10:37, closed)

@ Bert...

I've never tried that but by jingo it sounds spot on...

To Mothercare - and don't spare the horses!
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 27 Mar 2008, 10:37, closed)

Al
there's no need to refrigerate, wet wipes are permanently cold.

Unless you leave them on the radiator, then they dry out and appear to be made of spider's webs.
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 10:40, closed)

^ @ Gaypond
Best use of "By Jingo" I've heard in quite some time!
( Cawl, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 10:40, closed)

@ Kaol

'Gaypond'???

I've decided to be greatly offended...

As soon as I stop laughing :)
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 27 Mar 2008, 10:43, closed)

Well...
You were going on about the Poof-lake thing yesterday...
( Cawl, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 10:44, closed)

Heh heh heh
Gaypond

*shakes head and chuckles*

Shouldn't have found that as funny as I did.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 10:44, closed)

Right then...

*Wracks brain to think of something funny that involves Kaol for 'revenge attack'*

*Gives up*

*Starts drinking*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 27 Mar 2008, 10:47, closed)

Awh!
I love the new sig though!

A drink sounds a mighty plan, I've got my usual Thursday-Black-Russian-craving.

[stalk] And I've waited all morning for you to post something so I could make that terrible joke [stalk/]
( Cawl, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 10:49, closed)

@CHCB ^^
Issues with your mother there, hmm?

*paging Dr Freud...*

www.b3ta.com/calendar/event/13426
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 10:55, closed)

^CHCB did admit
last week that her mother gets orgasmic feelings just by being in an aeroplane which is taking off!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:03, closed)

oh dear
I feel I may have maligned my mother. She is actually a lovely lady who is often correctly parentally horrified by my lifestyle choices (i.e. not being a properly behaved young lady).

She is great - MA! YOU'RE GREAT! - even if she nearly had kittens the time I mentioned I was in an open relationship ("but.. but.. surely you don't have sex with more than one man, darling?" "Er, yes mother, and sometimes at the same time.")
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:10, closed)

^ I think
you've just opened the floodgates again CHCB!

Last week it was wanking, today it's threesomes.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:11, closed)

It's possible
That she has...

*twitch*
( Cawl, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:12, closed)

I am
determined to make my cult one of those sex cults that Religion Education teachers warn you about.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:13, closed)

My RE teacher
had a big birthmark on his face.

We called him Mr Ribena-head.
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:15, closed)

All of a sudden...

I'm quite keen for this QOTW to stay open...
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:15, closed)

^
Mr Ribena-head has that effect on people, Gaypond.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:16, closed)

We
had better give Enzyme a shout, or he'll miss out!

OI, ENZYME! CHCB'S TALKING ABOUT SEX AGAIN!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:16, closed)

What?
Sex Cult?
I was never warned, I'm walking into this far too innocently :|
( Cawl, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:17, closed)

yes
Let's wait until Enzyme comes.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:17, closed)

Here we go again...


Not long til the 100 reply mark...

as for Enzyme 'coming'...that's probably what he's doing instead of replying...

'fnarr fnarr you don't get many of those to the pound missus' etc.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:19, closed)

*CHCB*
You are a tart.

I'm thinking of starting a splinter B3ta group for us tarts.

B3tarts. We can swap tarty stories and pics :)

We can leave the boys out to discuss warcraft stories.
( girlinthehole, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:21, closed)

Mmmm, Warcraft
Don't get many of those orcs to the pound do you.

I may have missed the point here somewhat
(Bazongaloid, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:22, closed)

@BGB
That's a brilliant idea! We can all sit around writing erotica and talking about sex toys. I fear it is slightly cliched, but nonetheless viable.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:23, closed)

Ooh, can I join? Can i? Can I?


Now, I'm not a girlie...but I am 'willing to learn'

*puts dress on and admires self in mirror*

Mind you, I am a tart...does that mean I qualify anyway?

*keeps dress on*
*feels new life choice coming on*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:23, closed)

Warcraft?
Sod that. I'd rather hear the tart stories!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:23, closed)

Warcraft?
Rubbish, I'd rather talk about wanking and necrophillia.

Well maybe not the second bit.

Unless it's dark.
( Cawl, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:24, closed)

I'm in...
Tart stories, sex toy gossip and cliterature is all good by me. Yay splinter group.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:24, closed)

It's a cracker of an idea isn't it...
Of course we'd need the guys eventually, after we'd worked ourselves up into a frenzy with dirty stories.

I have batted for both sides in the past but I'm all for the meat and two veg at the moment.
( girlinthehole, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:26, closed)

All sounds good and well
But why can't these random-tangent-reply-threads happen earlier in the week?

I means there's more competition in the race for first post in the new QOTW...

Although one of us should try and claim it.
( Cawl, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:28, closed)

nearly a half century
come on people.

Obviously only come on them if they like that sort of thing. I've been told it's hard to get out of hair.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:28, closed)

Right, where do we sign up for this splinter grope?
I'm all for a good grope.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:29, closed)

So many replies
i just want the number to go up some more.
(ShitBitch, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:30, closed)

@ althegeordie
It's very good for the skin, so I'm told.

*EDIT* but it's a bitch if you get it in your eyes...apparently.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:30, closed)

splinter group?
Splinter sounds sharp and unpleasant, can we not have a rounded and well lubed group instead?
(Bazongaloid, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:30, closed)

Just sign here
Ignore the small print, the bit about sex-slavery and dungeons.

Just put your name on the line ______
( Cawl, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:30, closed)

@chickenlady
Hmmmmmm, so surely my stomach must be the softest skin on my body.

*looks at stomach*

*is put off dinner*
(Bazongaloid, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:32, closed)

Dungeons?
Have we gone back in time? Are we back on Nerd week?
I haven't played Dungeons and Dragons for years!
Or been a sex-slave for a few days either.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:33, closed)

Calendar
tomorrow is in the calendar as create-a-new-cult day so that we can all enjoy CHCB and her tales of sexual cultishness.

Damn. Did I say that out loud?
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:33, closed)

Dungeons...
I meant sex dungeon, in reference to something chcb said last week.
But whatever floats your boat...
( Cawl, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:34, closed)

@ Althegeordie
I'm now repulsing myself with the thought of Soft as a Baby's Bum....
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:34, closed)

@Chickenlady...

If happy jizz is so good for the skin, how come my bollocks are so wrinkly?

here, take a look...

*presses nads to screen*
*gets escorted from office*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:35, closed)

dunno how well this will work
but I came across saw these icicles at the weekend and thought Tourettes et al. might approve... I swear I have never seen nature imitate Ann Summers quite so well, variable speed rabbit ears included:

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:35, closed)

@ Kaol
Ahh!
Sex dungeons are much more fun and far less work - no need to draw little diagrams or roll dice all day...well, unless forefits are added.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:36, closed)

CHCB
Perfect for those hot, humid summer days...
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:36, closed)

^@CHCB
Think you may certainly feel that if it were to be inserted. Ouch.
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:36, closed)

Ice on nipples - yes
Ice on vagina - no
( girlinthehole, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:37, closed)

@chickenlady
Nah, drawing diagrams always ruins the mood with these things, you've gotta be spontaneous.

Plus I can never find a bloody pen that works.
( Cawl, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:37, closed)

The ice might numb it after a while
Although I prefer the alternative method...

num num num num num.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:38, closed)

Icicles
Not sure they'd do the job - wouldn't they melt too quickly and also make me cold? Although I could see that in the middle of summer they might come in useful, or after a particularly nasty bout of thrush.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:38, closed)

@k2k6
Alternative method? You couldn't fit one of those up your bum.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:39, closed)

After a hot curry?

( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:40, closed)

^^
A-Ha! Better than cold wet wipes for sure.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:42, closed)

I'm sorry but...
Why would you want to numb something that is SUPPOSED to throb.
( girlinthehole, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:42, closed)

@Al
I wasn't thinking of anal insertion.

It was a (bad) onomatopoeic representation of cunnilingus.

EDIT: Coincidentally, this is reply no. 69!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:42, closed)

and what if the ice does that thing where it freezes to the skin?

Your ladybits would be RUINED.
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:44, closed)

@K2k6
Actually, i got that, good onomatapeaic typing skills. I was simply being deliberatly facetious for a cheap gag. Bottoms make me laugh.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:46, closed)

al...
That'd be you and Tourette's then...

Honestly, the mirth in our household is limitless
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:51, closed)

@CHCB
If your mum had kittens when she realised you were in an open relationship, does that mean she's into bestiality?
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 12:14, closed)

Re: hot curries
Using yoghurt-coated toilet paper is supposed to be better than wet-wipes and icicles.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 12:17, closed)

@mistaspakkaman...

are you sure that's not for thrush?
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 27 Mar 2008, 12:19, closed)

@mistaspakkaman
thank you! I set people up for limitless jokes and it takes an age for someone to use it!

Yes. Bestality. And also she sleeps with my da, which is probably not dissimilar.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 12:20, closed)

@pooflake
Haven't tried it myself. I did once witness someone in my group of friends trying a bite of someone else's too-hot curry and it was obvious to everyone it was too hot for her. A passing Indian waiter rescued her by giving her some yoghurt. I have a theory this could be applied to post-curry bumhole but have never tried it.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 12:25, closed)

@Pooflake
(or Queerloch as you'd be called hereabouts)

Can you get arse-thrush? If so, bum-wiping with yoghurt might help, but I'm not sure it's really an issue!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 12:26, closed)

^
Queerloch! Hee hee. (Can I adopt the "lough" version to Norn Irishify it?)
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 12:27, closed)

Pffft!
Damn your band-waggon-jumping!
T'is a good one though...
( Cawl, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 12:29, closed)

It's a good wagon though
Poor 'flake, having a name so open to cheap abuse!

@CHCB - be my guest. The -lough variant is quite acceptable!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 12:32, closed)

I dunno...

I go on a site with the best of intentions...

Name myself after my cat, not realising that when written down my name looks like a Gaypond, QueerLoch, DykeDyke, Lesbian Lagoon and Faggot's Fjord...

Then do the odd post about shitting myself...

and I become the subject of ridicule

I ask you, Who'd have thunk it?
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 27 Mar 2008, 12:34, closed)

Well then!
All aboard the 12:33 service to Poof Lake.

Calling at Gay Pond, Queer Loch, Fag Stream, Lesbian Lagoon, Bum-Buccaneer Bay, Faggot's Fjord and Dyke Dyke.

*hides face*
( Cawl, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 12:35, closed)

Bum-Buccaneer Bay...
Is so brilliant I have just snorted my drink all over the place...

So even my office are laughing at me now...

*sniffs*
*hides*

Edit: I have noticed that your service is 2 minutes late - Bloody British Rail eh?
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 27 Mar 2008, 12:37, closed)

^
Someone do a map of those NOW! And extend it to include Mincey Ditch, which I swear is somewhere in Somerset.

@Pooflake. It could be worse - I'm the new friggin' messiah.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 12:38, closed)

@CHCB...

With the emphasis on 'Friggin'
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 27 Mar 2008, 12:40, closed)

Presumably
the 1233 to Poof Lake doesn't stop at Bent Strait.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 12:40, closed)

@Pooflake
precisely.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 12:40, closed)

*beams*
I glad you lost face at work too :P

This service will be delayed for an indeterminate period of time, while the drive talks about Eastenders and eats some crisps.

Thank you for travelling with One railways.

*shakes fist*
( Cawl, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 12:41, closed)

timetabling
Late? I thought it came early.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 12:42, closed)

Oh yeah...
It's not my day.

Edit: hang on, if the 12:33 hadn't arrived until 12:35...

...

*realises that he's spending time working out the timetable of an imaginary train that is taking the piss out of his own name*
*loses will to live*
*Runs to pub*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 27 Mar 2008, 12:44, closed)

Ah...
don't worry chocolate-cowboy inlet, it'll all be ok.
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 12:49, closed)

^That's some fast deleting...

After you posted it by accident.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 27 Mar 2008, 12:49, closed)

Shh...!
Nobody noticed.

*hopes*
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 12:51, closed)

Ooh, I've got one...

What about 'Shirtlifter Stream'?

eh? Eh?


...


Hang on a minute....
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 27 Mar 2008, 12:53, closed)

Not bad...
But I raise you:

Poo-Pipe Pirate Port!

:O
( Cawl, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 12:54, closed)

Ponce pond.
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 12:55, closed)

@Kaol
best so far!
(Bazongaloid, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 12:55, closed)

or
Camp Hole.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 12:56, closed)

eh?
100?
YAYYYYYYYY. I did it, I finally did it!
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 12:56, closed)

One for chcb:
Wankers Wellspring
( Cawl, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 12:57, closed)

100!?
errrrm, bummers beachhead?

EDIT - damn, too slow.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 12:57, closed)

The route
Is it serviced by a train or a bandwagon?
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 12:58, closed)

serviced hard by sailors surely.
great big rufty tufty types with moustaches better than mine (if such a thing is possible)
(Bazongaloid, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 13:00, closed)

I'm not sure...
But the lunch trolley is coming around now, so I'm off for an hour...
( Cawl, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 13:02, closed)

Another one
Fag Falls

Fag?

Yay! Back on topic again.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 13:03, closed)

Hang on!
I go away for a few minutes and, not only is Pooflake getting ridiculed but, CHCB and BGB are talking about free sex and ice/ladybit interfacing!


More I say!!
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 14:29, closed)