Chondrosarcoma
This word became part of my vocabulary when I was in my early twenties. I always thought it was a pretty word, had a sort of a silky, velvety feel to it. But when you translate it into everyday English it becomes ugly and incredibly brutal: Bone cancer.

I was waiting outside HMV for the store to open, as soon as the assistant unlocked the door I made my way inside, grabbed one of the shiny new cellophane wrapped double cds, strolled over to the counter, paid, and then made my way over to Greg’s.

His mum opened the door, saw it was me and directed me up stairs. Greg was in bed – of course. I found it hard to remember the last time I saw him on his feet. We’d grown up together, Greg and I, and he’d always been a little on the porky side. I’d been calling him a “fat bastard” from the age of eight, so it was strange to see him the way he was now. Wasted. Used up. His skin so pale I could see the network of veins hugging his bones. He was constantly off his head on strong painkillers and the usual wicked sense of humour only surfaced in flashes.

He was as excited as me about the cd. It’d just been released that morning and I was the first person to buy a copy from that particular branch of HMV, the assistant told me.

I broke open the cellophane, pulled out disk 1, placed it in Greg’s cd player and we sat back to listen. Greg scanned the artwork. Then as the first track started he said: “The Fragile... This album was made for me...”

I told Greg to stop being such a morbid cunt, I sat in a chair he had near his bedroom window, Greg remained in bed – we listened to the first disk of Nine Inch Nails new album without saying a word. Then, as I changed the disk and after Greg’s mum had brought us up a cup of tea and some biscuits, we listened to disk 2.

We had a crafty cigarette each – dousing down the smell of Benson & Hedges with a can of air freshner so Greg’s mum wouldn’t go mental. After the disk finished, we listened to it again and had one of our long chats about absolutely nothing at all. After a few hours I left.

Greg lasted another few weeks. Then he died.

The funeral took place and I attended, bleary-eyed and numb. Afterwards a select few friends and Greg’s entire extended family went back to Greg’s mum’s house for a bite to eat. Never been very good at funerals, and after Greg’s mum passed me a note from Greg, a sentimental one-word note which stated simply: CUNT !!!, I was in no mood to hang about, I was feeling far too sentimental. But then Greg’s mum said:

“Greg knew this day was coming, of course – he didn’t want it to be a sad event. He said he wanted this song to be played because it reminded him of his best friend, here, why don’t you put it on for us?” Greg’s mum singled me out and offered me the burned cd to put on. Feeling particularly frozen, I went through the motions, placed the disk in the big old-fashioned stereo and waited in front of the assembled strangers (Greg’s relatives) and handful of friends for the music to start.

And when it did I felt pretty damn good. I could tell the music wasn’t much to the tastes of some of the people there, but hey, this is what Greg wanted. And by the end I couldn’t help but have a big shit-eating grin on my face. As the track ended and the room returned to awkward silence, Greg’s mum approached and gave me ‘that look’, which suggested her dearly departed son and I should try once in our lives to act our age.

And from that day to this I can’t listen to this song without smiling and thinking about my best mate who passed on about ten years ago now. Sometimes I even put it on in a pub or request it at parties.

Always gets a few pointed looks, makes a few people nervous. But fuck it, I’ll maintain til the day I die that It’s Raining Men by the Weather Girls is a damn, damn, damn fine song...

Cheers Greg.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 28 Jan 2010, 15:56, 41 replies)

This is Ace
One of the best replies to a QOTW ever! Touching and sad yet hilarious. Good on you.
( SauronWibble I'll hold it, you lick it..., Thu 28 Jan 2010, 16:09, closed)

Cheers
thanks for that.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 28 Jan 2010, 18:33, closed)

It's not by The Pointer Sisters
you helmet.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 28 Jan 2010, 16:40, closed)

But it's by the Weather Girls
Surely you'd remember that...
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 28 Jan 2010, 16:41, closed)

Yep, Weather Girls...
Cheers and fixed - I have a mental block with the group name; ten times out of ten if you ask for the song you get what you want.

Not really my thing usually, more of a metal fan.

But I have to admit I am partial to this song now for reasons, well, reasons above.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 28 Jan 2010, 16:43, closed)

As usual from you Mr Spanky...
....touching lies, fabulous pay off! Or touching true story, cheeky little ending, great either way. As an inveterate clicker of your stuff, have another.

(Oh and ps: Not particularly saying I disbelieve your post - rather that sometimes you're self admitted embellishments are so good that it's damn difficult to tell with you when you're pouring out a touching true story or coughing up a load of inspired bollocks ready for a punchline!).
(NoveltyCondomHead Clanks Wams., Thu 28 Jan 2010, 17:00, closed)

Cheers
This is 100% true, by the way. Unfortunately I don't have copies of Greg's death certificate or a sworn affidavit from his mum on hand to scan in and put up here, but them's the breaks.

Thanks.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 28 Jan 2010, 17:04, closed)

You have kept the Cunt!!! letter though

( Peej, Thu 28 Jan 2010, 17:15, closed)

Yes he would keep the note from his best mate
I don't think he actually has a copy of the death certificate because I don't think he'd ever have actually been in a position to be given it; they don't usually give copies out to friends, you know. And the affadavit from this chaps mum was all part of what we call in non-angry land a 'joke'. If reading this posters stuff really gets to you that much just dont read them. Put him on ignore and get on with your life. So much anger. And having a go at someone who's put on a post which is pretty personal stuff is just a little bit low.

Last time I post a reply to this tedious shit. I'm not particularly sticking up for Spanky, but I'm sticking up for his right to contribute on here. You and no one else has the right to try and hound someone out of posting. Just shows you up as being a bit of a shit. And anyway I doubt Spanky really gives a toss what the 'angry internet' thinks about him. So do us all a favor and jog on, my friend. Another on the ignore list. Fucking piss easy to do. Do it.
(Lizard King, Thu 28 Jan 2010, 17:30, closed)

A B3ta Mod says
ALL - Please lay off the personal stuff on B3ta. We don't like to see attacks on the board, especially if it means long-standing members no longer want to contribute. Stop it.

We shall speak no more of this.

(Not a reply to Lizard King, btw, just a general point on unpleasantness)
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 28 Jan 2010, 18:44, closed)

Well said.
I don't really read Spanky's posts any more but regularly questioning their validity or people's appreciation of them is considerably more tedious.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 28 Jan 2010, 20:30, closed)

Can I just point out that I never suggested he had a death certificate.

( Peej, Thu 28 Jan 2010, 20:43, closed)

In your defence I thought it was a severe overreaction.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 28 Jan 2010, 20:49, closed)

you know that being able to post whatever you want works both ways right?
the above post does indeed seem genuine, and a bit touching for it. it certainly makes a nice change from the wanking jokes, regardless of how well written, but by spazzing out in defence of it you are in effect trying to deny others their opportunity to say whatever the fuck they want.

don't like the replies to some posts? then don't read them
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 29 Jan 2010, 9:27, closed)

WINNER!

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 29 Jan 2010, 9:32, closed)

And writing shit like I'm Not Going To Read This
on a post just to get a rise out of people is equally banal, actually taking the time to do this indicates a flaw somewhere or other. Yes, people have a right to critise. People do not, however, have a right to set out on a bullying campaign just for the sake of it.

This is getting very old. People should grow up and use their ignore button instead of putting I'm Not Going To Read This or other such mindless drivel on the board.

Last thing I'm saying about it.
(Podgirl, Fri 29 Jan 2010, 9:36, closed)

it's not a bullying campaign
it's a peaceful protest. If there were an "I don't like this" button then it would be clicked, but as that is not the case...

personally I don't mind what people post, the lies can be just entertaining as the truths, it's the hypocritical way that people jump to other's defence.

Spanky's response below does him far more credit than the representation of someone like LizardKing.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 29 Jan 2010, 11:44, closed)

Peaceful protest?
Attempting to force someone to stop posting on a free website by constant harrassment? We've all got a right to read and post on here, Spanky's posts are popular judging by where he usually ends up on Best Of page. If you can't accept that the MAJORITY of the readers like his posts then thats an issue with you. If you refer to Scaryduck you'll see the Mods aren't happy about this sort of behavior either. Sorry to have to tell you this but you do not own the internet. And this site in particular is available to all. How about an end to all this now? Getting very very OLD.
(Irish Lobster, Fri 29 Jan 2010, 11:49, closed)

I don't particularly think it counts as harrassment
as plenty have said, if you don't like it then don't read it. The internet is open to all, and if some want to express themselves by saying they don't like, or aren't reading, someone else's posts then who are you, or anyone else, to say they can't?

what is worse in fact, is people complaining to the mods on the behalf of others to get someone banned.
Saying you don't like a post, or aren't reading it is hardly a banning offence.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 29 Jan 2010, 11:51, closed)

Fair enough
but declaring that anyone who follows Spanky's posts and likes them is a twat is out of order too. Works both ways.
(Irish Lobster, Fri 29 Jan 2010, 11:56, closed)

not going to argue with you there
my points aren't really related to the original poster or the content
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 29 Jan 2010, 11:59, closed)

But when there is a well defined group of regulars who repeatedly (ad nauseum)
go on and on about how shit another poster is, it does become a form of bullying. That and it's just plain weird how some people get so fucking worked up about one person's usually very popular posts. I don't get it.

We should save our rants and raves about important stuff like how the government is hiding real UFO stuff and how all of our leaders are actually clones of Joseph Stalin. You know, the real stuff that really matters.
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Fri 29 Jan 2010, 12:23, closed)

I suspect Stalin clones would do a better job
they would have better moustaches too.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 29 Jan 2010, 12:33, closed)

Great story
Clicks for, once again, making me snort coffee through my nose.
(Penguins_Made_Me_Do_It is a dolt ... and she don't care, Thu 28 Jan 2010, 17:44, closed)

Ha!
Cheers, buddy.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 28 Jan 2010, 18:34, closed)

Moving and funny
lovely and sad - click
(Hotty, Thu 28 Jan 2010, 19:03, closed)

CUNT
Excellent. I already have a note planned for my mate should I go before him, something along the lines of

"College mate is dead, haunting you when you wank"


Also, because I was only skimming through it at first, the line "paid, and then made my way over to Greg’s" completely threw me at first. HMV and then a steak bake?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 28 Jan 2010, 20:02, closed)

That's one excellent post m8.
It's little moments like this that mean more to us than the years of hanging about on street corners with your friends mugging the elderly.

*clicks and adds to favs*
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 28 Jan 2010, 22:04, closed)

Nice one.
*click*
( Fathter Puddytat Kill Kill dat widdle boid is mine on, Thu 28 Jan 2010, 22:50, closed)

Time to move on, people
If you don't like what I put on here then don't read it. The last time I checked my army of armed Reading Spanky Posts Enforcement Officers, who break into your home and hold a gun to your head until you read this shit were having a couple of weeks off.

This is B3ta. If you can't accept that some people actually like reading certain contributors posts then that's your problem, not mine. I haven't replied directly to the nasty shit. Simply because I don't intend and never will enter into a dialogue with people who attempt to get a rise out of me. I appreciate that some people who do read my posts have 'defended' me. But I'd rather that stopped. And I'd rather the 'Spanky is the most evil person in the world cuz people like his posts' thing stops too. If I like a post I like to put down a comment to say I do; if someone does this with me too then fine - its not a reason to vilfiy them or me.

There's real problems in the world, earthquakes, wars, disease, Aston Villa Football Club... a dim dark corner of the internet where people meet up and pass a bit of time is hardly a big deal.

Oh, and in closing, yes - some of you are absolutely right. I am a cunt.

Now lets get on with our lives because I am not going to stop posting,

Cheers.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 29 Jan 2010, 9:44, closed)

HOORAH!
Well said!
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Fri 29 Jan 2010, 9:56, closed)

got to applaud your attitude
*does so*
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 29 Jan 2010, 11:46, closed)

Ah, now I understand.
I wondered why those goons with the AK47s were wearing bermuda shorts and hawaiian shirts. Now all is clear.

Just for the record - I often enjoy your posts but rarely click them as you've got plenty of other fans to do that. When I do click them though - they thoroughly deserve it.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 29 Jan 2010, 11:57, closed)

Clicks!

(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Fri 29 Jan 2010, 12:25, closed)

WHAT THE FUCK
is wrong with the Villa???
(Starvis something for the weekend sir?, Fri 29 Jan 2010, 13:30, closed)

hahahahaha :D
Bravo sir, bravo :D
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 1 Feb 2010, 11:41, closed)

Great and sobering post
with some laughs too. Your mate Greg sounds like a card :)
(End Bell, Fri 29 Jan 2010, 9:55, closed)

click
emotional stuff
(Grrrrr Tigers, Fri 29 Jan 2010, 10:50, closed)

This post is what QOTW is all about
touching, sad, and funny all in one! Sorry about your loss.
(Sussex Angel, Fri 29 Jan 2010, 11:40, closed)

LOL
I do hope you realise on this occasion you nearly killed me as I was thinking "is this the real Spanky finally speaking out", and damn near chocked on a toffee.
Ture or false........ brill........
May even steal it for my own funeral.

That'l make them think..
(Dark Matter All The Wonders In The World & We Invent Boredom, Fri 29 Jan 2010, 15:24, closed)

brilliant
reminds me of my own best mate's funeral. me and her other 2 closest mates sat around a table, tears streaming from our eyes, while we sang Under The Moon Of Love. she and i would always sing it when we were drunk.
then i threw up and fell asleep under the pub table.
she'd have laughed her arse off if she'd seen me :)
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 29 Jan 2010, 18:08, closed)