Several QOTWs in one easy post
The nicest thing anyone did for me was daddy giving me a job in his restaurant. Could I cook? Could I buggery. Any of the other chefs complained, and I made sure they got the sack.

Anyway, getting bored late one evening, I decided to have a laugh. I got one of those piping bag things that they use to put icing on cakes and thought it would be a scream to use it as a wanking aid. Fuck it, the customers won't notice.
Stupidly, I posted about it on Facebook. The head chef saw it and told me the next day that if any women have eaten cakes with that icing, there's a high probability that they might be pregnant. (Yes, I know now that's utter bollocks, but at the time...).

Little did I know, that one of the customers had also seen the Facebook post and came in to speak to my dad and demanded I be sacked. I told my dad that I'd throw a tantrum like he'd never seen.

Actually, I was just faking it.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 15:33, 3 replies)

Nice!
So you lost your virginity to a tube? Christ, were you drinking meths?

And I bet the previous customer was ranting and raging as though from Hell itself! If I was her, I'd have drawn Blood! I mean if she wanted a pointless [culinary] experiment she'd have asked you to give her one!

Anyway, I see that these puns are becoming criminally bad so I quit.

Worst. Record. Ever.
( uberdeity Wondered why Owen Lars knew of the term "hell" on, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 15:51, closed)

Accidental in YOUR endo!
Arf.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 15:55, closed)

I saw this post
written on a wall, it's fucking brilliant.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 15:56, closed)