Spoiled children? No, not quite.
I just have to share this story, because it’s too wild and grotesque to keep to myself- but on here I'm reasonably anonymous, and after this I intend to make sure it stays that way. I suppose I could make it somewhat on-topic as it involves a rather spoiled woman, but it would be a reach.

I know that I don’t post very often here, so you’re likely not very familiar with me. To refresh your memories: I’m male, I’m over 30, have had a rather tumultuous and checkered past, and am single. I’m also fairly tall and (apparently) attractive, and generally don’t lack for company if I wish it. That is not a boast or egoism, I should add, but rather a bare statement of fact.

At this stage of my life I’ve concluded that I’m just plain not destined for a normal relationship. My last partner moved out not that long ago, and the only involvement I have at this point is with another b3tan who lives at the other end of the island from me and can’t see me often. I’m not exactly attached at this point, and have been spending a lot of time alone these days.

So last week I did something a bit out of character for me- I started chatting online with a few women in my area, looking for someone to have supper with now and then and perhaps do things with, like going to museums or on hikes. I made it clear that I was not looking for a new woman in my life, but for someone to keep me company now and then. I thought this to be not unreasonable.

I met one woman, and she seems quite nice, but not a very active sort. She’s good for going to comedy clubs and the like, so that’s sorted- if I wish to go to a show I have someone to go with me. I still want someone to do other things with, though, so I kept chatting with various women.

Late last week another one agreed to meet me at a restaurant we both knew. We agreed on a time on Friday evening, and texted each other to make sure we were still on. At 7:30 I had a table ready, and she texted me to say that she was on her way. I ordered a pint and sat back to wait.

Ten minutes later she arrived, and I stood to shake her hand- which she went right past and wrapped me in a large hug. I was a little startled, but reacted appropriately and returned the hug. We sat down and the waitress came to take our order. I ordered another pint and some food, and she ordered something she called a Brain Eraser.

The next few minutes were interesting. She was looking at me with the expression of a starved wolf examining a lamb. She told me how incredibly hot I was, how she couldn’t believe that I was single, and how much she loved my grey eyes. While I enjoy flattery as much as anyone, this was a bit strong for having just met.

My food arrived, and so did her drink. She downed the thing in one long swallow and asked for another.

Good God, I thought.

I started eating and trying to chat with her, but the conversation was getting more than a little disjointed. Abruptly she got up and came to my side of the booth and slid in next to me. I slid over to make room, and she snuggled in close and slipped her hand inside my shirt. She then started undoing the buttons until it was open to my waist.

Good GOD.

Her second drink arrived and she downed it in the same manner. She then asked for something called a Red Devil. Meanwhile I got my shirt back together and was busy with my food, and managed to establish a little distance between us.

Her new drink arrived, and she started chatting with the waitress. The waitress had sussed the situation and was apparently quite amused by this and was playing along. The conversation started to get rather flirtatious, and became more blatant by the moment as she started hitting on the waitress. The waitress was even more amused by this, but when I said that I thought I should take the bill now she promptly went to get it.

By now it was obvious to me that she had been quite drunk when she arrived, and she revealed to me that she had also smoked some weed on the way. I kept my composure, but was now rather worried about what to do with her. I paid our bill and guided her outside, past the rather shocked patrons who had been watching the performance, and got to the car park. We reached my car and I asked where hers was. She pointed it out to me, but then started tearing at my shirt again. As it was fairly dark out there I allowed this somewhat, but when she started reaching for my belt I stopped her. “I really don’t want to get arrested.”

“And what would it take for us to get arrested?” she slurred, and yanked my jeans down as she got to her knees. Before I could react she was in action.

GOOD GOD!

I managed to disengage from her and pulled my clothing back on, and got her to her feet. “Look, I really can’t chance getting arrested! We’re in view of those windows of the restaurant!”

She looked crushed. “But I just need it. My husband is smaller than you and he doesn’t get it up very much-“

“WHAT?!?”

“It’s just not big enough. I need yours. I need to be called a slut and spanked.” Her eyes were glowing now. “He won’t do it because he’s a man of God.”

Oh FUCK.

“You’re married to-“

“He’s a minister at (name deleted).”

Have you ever had the feeling that lightning was about to strike you?

The next few minutes were spent in something close to panic. I managed to get her bundled up and into her car and made sure that she got out of the car park, then went home and spent the rest of the weekend not knowing whether I should laugh or scream. No, not just someone's wife, but a minister's wife! I still can't believe this.

I have been holding onto this story for three days now. I really wish that I could say that it was fiction, but honestly, I could not have dreamed up something like that. My imagination is not that good. And now I'm living in mortal fear that her husband will find me.

If hell really does exist, I am SO screwed…
(Shimrod, Mon 13 Oct 2008, 16:39, 23 replies)

Oh Good God...!
You nearly shagged my step-mum!

Hehe
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 13 Oct 2008, 16:43, closed)

Why are you screwed? what are you afraid will happen?
I'm not trying to be difficult but I can understand being upset to find out she is married, but what difference does it make who her husband is?

Also- you let her drive?
( Jessie © needs pirate name suggestions, Mon 13 Oct 2008, 16:47, closed)

I knew where she was going.
It was along a back road for a distance of about five miles. She was able to walk well enough, so I thought it to be not that huge of a risk.

I should add that she texted me the next day to say that she had made it home and had a massive hangover. I responded that I was glad of that, but that I would really prefer that this never happen again.

I was more than a little terrified when I found out who her husband was, because it's not that big a community and I really do NOT need to have this known. Besides, although I'm not a religious man, there's something about having this happen with a minister's wife that raises the hair on the back of my neck...
(Shimrod, Mon 13 Oct 2008, 16:57, closed)

Ah
Well I'm glad you both ended up okay :)

You did nothing wrong so stop panicking, if it gets found out then it does, that's not something you should worry about, anyone trying to make you believe differently isn't someone you need be all that worried about listening to I suspect.
( Jessie © needs pirate name suggestions, Mon 13 Oct 2008, 17:02, closed)

so you stuffed a drunk woman into her car
and made her drive?
(The Stalker's Stalker For all your stalking needs, Mon 13 Oct 2008, 16:47, closed)

It's not her husband you need to worry about...
...it's the er...big man upstairs!
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Mon 13 Oct 2008, 16:49, closed)

...
Holy shit.

That is all.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 13 Oct 2008, 16:51, closed)

Don't worry,
she'll have wrapped her car round a tree on the way home so you won't be hearing from her again.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Mon 13 Oct 2008, 16:51, closed)

Go and tell the minister
that his wife is a boozing, druggy slag-wagon

then tip off the cops

End of problem for you.

this will be particularly easy if he is Catholic and you can confess it to him. That way you don't even need to look at his face.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 13 Oct 2008, 16:54, closed)

Dude, Catholic priests cant marry.
that's why they rape little boys.
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Mon 13 Oct 2008, 16:55, closed)

oh yeah
damn you Baz and your knowledge
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 13 Oct 2008, 16:56, closed)

baz knows fuck all
Before the light was shown to me, I was raised in Ireland a Catholic.
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Mon 13 Oct 2008, 17:06, closed)

There are a few married Catholic priests
Usually C of E vicars who have converted and been allowed to leep their family.
(notjustahatrack peeling a sausage..., Mon 13 Oct 2008, 20:51, closed)

Yup
Nuns can do that too.

One my favourite Simpsons lines, Catholic Priest to Rev Lovejoy: "Go and have sex with your wife!"
(Cryptoprocta has abandoned the username of Voodoo Mary, Mon 13 Oct 2008, 21:19, closed)

Even at 5 miles
That's a little far for a drunk to drive. Having a run in with a married man-eater is pretty bad but you could still have called her a cab.
(twocoats, Mon 13 Oct 2008, 17:05, closed)

name-calling wasn't going to get him anywhere!
!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 13 Oct 2008, 17:11, closed)

Dont worry.
He'll forgive you. :)
( Gooddeed89, Mon 13 Oct 2008, 19:31, closed)

I would
give anything to shag a minister's wife.

The sheer dirtiness of it.



I say anything, I mean a fiver.
(LickOutTheJamsMotherfuckers!, Mon 13 Oct 2008, 23:05, closed)

Surely...
you're not in the wrong over the whole infidelity thing if, when you found out she was married, you removed her from your person?
(Immy The Great gave himself to Jesus, but now Jesus never calls, Tue 14 Oct 2008, 1:15, closed)

I am not a theologian, but:

Why would you fear eternal damnation for *resisting* temptation? As I understand it, the entrance criteria are not set by the local clergy, so you needn't fear bias.
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Tue 14 Oct 2008, 2:54, closed)

can you
write the alternative ending please, I was starting to enjoy it at the part where she was begging to be called a slut..
(knackerz is skinning up, Tue 14 Oct 2008, 9:18, closed)

That may come in time.
She has contacted me and we've had a few tentative exchanges. She's mortified about arriving drunk, but apparently she had already told her husband that she was going to start seeing others. How that works is beyond me.

At the same time, it's a little bit weird to me to be talking to a minister's wife about blowjobs and bumsex. I may try sitting and talking to her while sober to sort this out- but even so, there's something about the whole concept that seems a bit like playing jumprope with a high power cable.

I know that the supposed sin is on her part rather than mine, yet somehow the fact that she's married to a Man Of God makes it seem a bit more terrifying than if she were married to, say, a grocer.
(Shimrod, Tue 14 Oct 2008, 19:56, closed)

Dude...
seriously, if she's good looking (or at least not hideous), where's the problem?

Any backlash would fall on her (she's the married adulteress, after all), not you - I'd say you should book a room somewhere, have a few drinks and bang her brains out. Taking a minister's wife up the wrong 'un? I think we'd all agree that is a good idea!
(Chad, Wed 15 Oct 2008, 13:54, closed)