A sporting foul
Despite being twins, both of my stepsons have very different characters. Nugget Two can be accurately described as a loveable but lazy little turdling while Nugget One – the star of this particular tale is athletic and fiercely competitive.

However as a wise person once said “success is like farts, you only ever truly appreciate your own”.

By the time he reached year six, Nugget One was the tallest, most athletic and fastest boy in his class. He’d become used to having a small giggling army of pre-pubescent girls staring doe eyed at him on sports day as took the tape at the sixty meters with almost arrogant ease. The same spirit was applied everywhere that required guts, grit and determination, from the local Rugby field to classroom arm wrestling. Nugget One was unbeatable and he knew it.

Life however has a way of teaching a humbling lesson to all of us, no matter how gifted and talented we think we are. A particularly cruel twist awaited Nugget One.

On the afternoon of their last day at their Primary School, chickenlady sat waiting in the car for the boys to take them home. She saw them walking towards the car and noticed that Nugget One looked a little more circumspect than usual. They got in the car and sat down.

“What’s that smell?” asked chickenlady, commenting on the suddenness of the meaty odour that permeated through the car “Does one of you need to sit on the toilet?”.

Denials poured forth from both boys, mixed with some sniggering from Nugget Two.

“One of you has farted!” she continued. Both boys were red-faced, Nugget Two was trying to contain his mirth.

Eventually the truth always outs and in this case Nugget Two spilled the beans.

“Well, George challenged Nugget One to a farting contest and Nugget One boasted that he could fart louder than anyone so he pushed really hard…and then had to run to the toilet” said Nugget Two.

Nugget One looked like he was about to cry. His little bottom lip had begun to quiver as the full weight of the realisation that he’d always be known as the boy who sharted on his last day at school. His attempting to sit on the evidence and adopt a policy of denial was fooling no-one. Upon arriving home, he was hurriedly shoved into the shower room as the salvage operation on his trousers commenced. After twenty minutes under the shower, three cycles in the washing machine and a rigorous sponging down of my car seats the physical damage was repaired. However it was evident that Nugget One now fully understood that it was possible to be both a winner and a loser simultaneously.

Lesson learned.

Or so we thought. Six months later, with the boys were now at secondary school I returned home early from work and headed to the bathroom where I found Nugget One, furtively scrubbing a pair of trousers in the sink.

“What’s going on here?” I asked.

“Farting competition in maths” he said, with a sad and resigned look on his face before he continued “followed through again. Don't tell mum”.

The moral of the tale is that sometimes an important lesson needs to be learned more than once.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 19 Apr 2012, 17:17, 7 replies)

*applauds*
Made me larf! *click*
( sm.pl.crt.rs I don't fucking know, do I?, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 17:40, closed)

Brilliant

( evil_andy Stick stick stick stick sticky sticky stick stick, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 17:49, closed)

Excellent tale, beautifully told

( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 19:24, closed)

The moral of the story is - bowel control. It's important kids. Listen to an adult.
(Wilton Mitrowserz, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 19:55, closed)

*Bows*
I won't ask which one.
( Duke Of Belmsford has got 99 records, but Jay-Z ain't one, Fri 20 Apr 2012, 1:13, closed)

I do like the terrifically matter-of-fact answer at the end.

( Ghoti Fingers, Fri 20 Apr 2012, 3:00, closed)

Hahahah

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 20 Apr 2012, 10:09, closed)