Cragget
You're a twat
(homochicken, Sun 10 Jul 2005, 12:00, Reply)

last train to loogabarooga,
last train to loogabarooga,
if you miss this one, yo'll never catch another one,
biddybiddybumbum to loogabarooga!
(teasus likes tea, Sun 10 Jul 2005, 11:55, Reply)

My fiancées adventures in Merkin land....
My fiancée has lived and worked in the US of A (and not just the metropolitan east coast - she spent most of her time in the mid-west, and loves it there). She has many wonderful American friends whom we both respect - so please understand that the following Merkin bashing is based entirely on the gross stupidity of a sizeable minority, and in no way is meant to characterise an entire nation.

On to the mockery...

Several people she met in the US were appalled that British people do not celebrate Thanksgiving, despite its complete irrelevance to the UK, and the fact that in all likelihood 90% of us couldn't even tell you when Thanksgiving is. All attempts to point out that Americans don't celebrate Guy Fawkes night (as a comparable example of a purely domestic celebration) fell on deaf ears.

Related to the complete disbelief that we don't celebrate Thanksgiving, was the shock and horror experienced by her friends, when they discovered that we do not celebrate Independence Day. Again, the analogy that they don't celebrate, for example, the Queen's Birthday, Trafalgar Day, or St George's Day, was lost on them. At least no-one asked her if we have 4th of July in the UK (why yes we do, right between 3rd and 5th July without fail....)

Finally, on applying to Columbia University, the soon-to-be mrs lawofnations was informed that, as a foreigner, she would have to sit the TOEFL exam. That's the "Test of English as a FOREIGN Language" exam. My English-speaking, born in England, ENGLISH fiancée simply laughed in their faces.
(lawofnations, Sun 10 Jul 2005, 11:44, Reply)

For 'Local People'
On holiday with the family a few years back, and we ended up in Northumberland, in a nice little town known as Alnwick (pronounced Ann-ick.) Well being the tourists that we were my mum first pronounces it as "Aln-wick" to which my dad corrected her. So from then on my brother, my father and I pronounce "Ann-ick".
Well with my mum being a bit -how shall I put this- fucked in the head, she loudly protests that, "It's spelt Aln-wick. With a L in it. L L L! I don't care if the local people say Ann-ick, were not fucking locals. It's spelt with a L so that's how it's meant to be said." She ended with, "Did you want an egg sandwhich or a turkey."
( Fluffy elephants, Sun 10 Jul 2005, 11:13, Reply)

A Large American Lady after walking for 5 minutes
"Why couldn't they have built windsor castle closer to the tube station?"

Fat AND stupid.
(jabboy, Sun 10 Jul 2005, 11:12, Reply)

tourists....
"Mum, did George washington build the Washington monument?"
"No, But I suppose he must have had it comissioned, dear."
Bloody english.
(Pengin, Sun 10 Jul 2005, 10:05, Reply)

France...
Was in France on a family holiday about 10yrs ago. We'd just got back from some day trip somewhere, came back into the hotel and were walking to the room when an old-ish couple walk past in the corridor. Trying to impress, my mum says "Bonjour" in quite a convincing french accent. Cue the couple having looks of horror on their faces, stammering "Bon dure" back at my mother - she'd only gone and picked the English couple who couldn't speak a word of french...
(polya, Sun 10 Jul 2005, 8:25, Reply)

Hunyaga....you can't be serious...
You asked the nice Japanese lady if she had visited the states. She replied "No, but I have been to Hawaii..."

Now I'm not sure if you are American or not, but I'm wagering that you are based on the fact that you said Hawaii was not America....Even though it is one of the fifty states...You asked her whether she had been to the States, there was nothing wrong with her reply. So, it turns out that YOU'RE the spacker, not her!
(kyouraku, Sun 10 Jul 2005, 6:42, Reply)

JENKO
I like eating gravel!!!
(markoyotojakamoto, Sun 10 Jul 2005, 4:14, Reply)

A Californian in Kyoto
Last year I was in Kyoto with a very large group, almost 40+ teens and parents. During that time we were all given bus passes and traveled en masse that way. I don't even use the bus at home so this was a bit nerve-wracking for me.

Now, the thing about bus (and train) passes in Japan is that they're scanned when you get on and off, so I panicked when I couldn't locate my pass (I found it at the bottom of my bag several hours later). The other kids suggested that I just slip off the bus with them, but I hate feeling guilty so I was rather hesitant.

The bus stopped and just as I was about to sneak off I noticed that the bus accepted change! The fact that you could pay for your fare with cash had completely eluded me for the past 3 days! I paid at the next stop (about a block away) and walked back to my group, who were wondering what was wrong with me.

The saddest thing about all this was that in this group I was the oldest person who wasn't a parent and this was my 3rd trip to Kyoto, although in my defense I've never used the bus before.

I swear, if I ever go to England and Europe "where the history comes from" I'll just keep my mouth shut unless absolutely necessary - that's how much these "Stupid 'mer'kins" stories frighten me... I may not be white, fat, from a "red state" and completely ignorant (I know the Revolutionary War was fought between the 13 Colonies and the British, not Germany, Japan, Korea, or Russia) but I'm still an American - worse, a Southern Californian - and therefore utterly hopeless. History Channel save me!
(Kitsune-chan I'm not a bunny I'm a grownup girl, Sun 10 Jul 2005, 3:48, Reply)

Not really a stupid thing,
But I did hear a rather large woman talking about considering a sex change. There was a man next to her, saying she should do what she felt was right. I thing the man would have more fun that way, dirty bugger...
(Dr. Nelly Lemon, Sun 10 Jul 2005, 3:47, Reply)

Orlando, Florida
I heard a woman tell her children that she had to go to the ATM. When the youngest asked what "ATM" stood for, she responded with "auto-tella-money." And she was completely serious.
( haylith has been gone a long, long time, Sun 10 Jul 2005, 3:25, Reply)

Like i say im pissed
So should i sick it or not?
(Keiths Dad, Sun 10 Jul 2005, 3:23, Reply)

What on earth?
Eating gravel?? Strange boy...
( jim_bob can herd cats., Sun 10 Jul 2005, 3:20, Reply)

Please lads, im fucking desperate
Im at my mates house sat on his bog typing this on my cunting mobile. I was just at a club and i got kicked out for a petty reason, getting my best mate kicked out in the process (but thats not the problem). I also ate some gravel (like they put in drives) for the love of some bird that wasnt even there. Question is, will the gravel kill me or should i sick it up? Sorry for lack of grammar but im pissed and typing this on my phone. Help me!
(Keiths Dad, Sun 10 Jul 2005, 2:45, Reply)

From Readers Digest
Note: US mag; separate issues

American woman: (in Italian, from a phrase book) I would like some coffee, please.
Italian woman: (something in Italian)
American: Er, could you repete that?
Italian: (same thing)
American: (embarassed) Could you say that in English?
Italian: (giggling) I said, "Your Italian is very good!"

---

Not quite a dumb tourist moment, but I think it still counts:

A teenaged girl was accepted into a prestigious school (I don't know if they meant college or private school). After visiting the campus, she was rather intmidated by how smart the students seemed - that is, until she talked to them. She was telling a group of girls that she had lived in Japan for 12 years when one of them exclaimed "That is so cool! Does that mean you speak Chinese??"
(Kitsune-chan I'm not a bunny I'm a grownup girl, Sun 10 Jul 2005, 2:44, Reply)

Sparkle sparkle
I've been living for a year with about 70 Americans in Israel.

We English managed to convince them for the whole year that when we sang the National Anthem, we all had to stand up, put our hands up on our heads like ears and wiggle our fingers about. Try it. You will feel like a twat. This was meant to reperesnt the crown, and the wiggling fingers represent the jewels in the crown.

They believed that we had all had tea with the queen, and that at 4 o clock exactly we stopped, sat down, and drank tea. We didn't do any of this while we were there the whole year.

real tourists - I had to sell photos for charity in the Old City of Jeruselem, and this stupid American teen wanders up to me and mumbles something about 3 shekel. I tell him they're 10. He gives me the 3 shekel and mumbles. I tell him they're 10 again. He looks confused, and says "So can I have it for 3 shekel?" I give up.

Sorry about the length
( Hampster Squared has stuff at www.tilla.co.uk, Sun 10 Jul 2005, 2:16, Reply)

Tales from Edinburgh
I fondly remember being on a train pulling out of Edinburgh station to hear two American ladies discussing how nice it was that they built the castle so close to the train station. But that they should have built it at the bottom of the hill as it would have been easier to get into.

I truly hope they were joking :?
(Datalas, Sun 10 Jul 2005, 1:19, Reply)

Too many to list...
But a favourite game of mine overseas to play, "Spot the American".

Being Canadian, I sometimes get mistaken for being from the US - when I correct the person, they can't apologize fast enough.

I did spend a nice dinner in Paris next to four US people, saying some of the stupidest, dumb-ass things ever, then capping it off by not noticing the "No Credit Cards" sign (in English) and being unable to pay their bill - classic!
( Art101 You all have an unhealthy and morbid fascination, Sun 10 Jul 2005, 0:50, Reply)

"not me but my mate"
who can't log on here. His dad was talking to some americans on the prince of wales pier (down in good old dover) and they asked:
"What's that island over there?" (pointing 26miles away across the england channel)
"erm.... that's mainland europe".
.....dumb f*cks
(5ifty0, Sun 10 Jul 2005, 0:37, Reply)

a mate of mine.....
.....used to work in the ticket office of a glasgow railway station. Along comes a Yank and his wife, conversation goes....

Yank - Yeah, we need two returns to glasgow central please
My Mate - That'll be £4.00 please
Yank - Oh hang on sonny, i gotta go into ma wife's fanny bag for some cash.
(apparently in US a fanny bag is what we'd call a bum bag)

my mate had to get the other girl to serve the bloke whilst he rifled his wife's "fanny bag" as he quite literally wet'em!
(Foxy McClumpha, Sun 10 Jul 2005, 0:24, Reply)

American Airlines
Not so much the stupid tourist as stupid air hostess...

Last summer flew AA from Texas to Costa Rica. The following exchange ensued:

Air Hostess: Would you like something to drink, sir?
Me: A glass of water please.
AH: Sorry?
Me: A glass of water.
AH: I'm sorry, sir?
Me: (Very slowly) A glass of water.
AH: Wahder?
Me: Yes, water

OK, so my pronunciation is Standard Middle Class Southern Engliand, not Texas but for fuck's sake! I know Texans don't pronounce "T" the same way, especially between vowels, but had she never seen the word written down? And did the fact that she was offering drinks not bring any bearing onto the proceedings?

On the return leg they delayed us 5 hours and lost our bags. Words like "whelk stall" and "unfit to run" spring to mind...
(lolwhites, Sun 10 Jul 2005, 0:14, Reply)

Americans and the Highlands
i used to work in Ballachulish (yes, a mouthful in itself, but that's not the point) in a hotel on reception........american tourists a'plenty. Anyway, after a hard day's night of "restaurant to your left, pool straight ahead" malarkey, all us hard worked, drug crazed, skanky hotel workers head off to the only pub in the place called the Laroch - (the 'och pronounced as Och Aye the Noo for all ye Engerlish punters, as you think we all speak) - so the next day, up comes Hal and Yvette from Ohio (they've all been on a coach to Fort William or some other god awful place). I curteously ask them what they have have been doing that day and they say, "Oh gee, we went to this quaint little pub in the village called La Roche, tried a little Glen Morangay (!)...............etc etc"
it loses a little in translation but COME ON......LA ROCHE????

I tried to persuade said owners to change the name but alas..........doncha just lurve american republican ignorant bush-like twunts like these???????
(Foxy McClumpha, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 23:39, Reply)

Cyclops
Texas dictionary: wun= one, ma'yam= ma'am, hyave= have, ah = eye, myiddle = middle, uhv = of, haayd = head.
When in America (Oh, God I hear you think), there was a group decision to take a historical tour. From the moment we started we knew we were in for it. This was a tour for Forrest Gump. Anyhu we stuck through, bravely. As we got to a historical monument the kind bimbo directing the tour pointed out the necessaries; 'This here is the admiral [I forget], who only had one eye!' After thhis stirring speech a man at the back stood up and said in a George Dubya accent 'Excuse me ma'yam, but did he hyave thet wun ah in the myiddle uhv his haayd?'
(Fireinzehole, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 23:02, Reply)

depends
If you were talking about him being from Texas, and then you mention that you lived in Paris, it's a bit different.

In any case, that doesn't make him a moron or stupid, unless you actually believe that he wasn't aware that he was in France.
(deilbfe6ogcshnbcryjh, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 23:02, Reply)

I know there's a large city in Texas called Paris
But when you're standing on the most famous street in Paris, France, saying you've lived in Paris for a year, it takes a particular kind of mind to assume that you must be talking about the OTHER Paris, the one 4000+ miles away.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 22:57, Reply)

Paris, Texas.
There's a rather sizeable city in Texas named Paris.

No justification needed. By the way, look through this thread, and honestly ask yourself if a person from another country would reasonably be asked to know about most of the various cities being mentioned. I'm betting that they wouldn't.

Tourists are truly stupid if they ask why they don't update Big Ben to a digital readout, not when they mispronounce whatever crazy-ass city name you happen to be in.
(deilbfe6ogcshnbcryjh, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 22:54, Reply)

Yet another 'Americans say the funniest things' one
Part of my degree required me to spend some time on the small Scottish island of Kerrera, near Oban. At the South end of the island the ruins of a 16th century castle stand at the top of cliffs made from conglomerate (think sandstone with lots of rounded cobble-sized rocks mixed into it). These cliffs are probably about 20m high, and the rock stretches for about 200m either side of the castle.

I'd just finished lunch at the base of the cliffs, when an American family came wandering past. They'd obviously noted the conglomerate, because I heard the mother remark to her husband and son, "Look, you can even see where they poured the concrete for the castle foundations".

I casually strolled off to the next headland, trying not to burst out laughing with the thought of 16th century working pouring 20m thick concrete from wooden buckets.
(arawn, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 22:51, Reply)

For FrogServo
yeah, Versailles. Famous place in Ohio. Oh, wait, merkins won't get that sarcasm.

That's about as annoying as when I mentioned to a Merkin that I had lived in Paris for a year. He asked me how, as an Englishman, I'd managed to cope with the Texas climate.

And before you try and justify it, we were both standing on the Champs Elysees at the time.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Sat 9 Jul 2005, 22:48, Reply)