I was fucking this Norwegian guy up the arse...
...in Sainsburys, over the prostrate form of my (now) ex girlfriend while we were shopping for haddock. We were both dressed as iron-age priests at the time, I remember.

Anyway, the store manager comes running up and says to me: "SIR, PRISE yourself off that man, and get out of this shop ... now!"

My ex wakes up and says, "But...these aren't the druids you are looking for!"
(SigourneysBeaver took off and nuked the entire site from orbit on, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 13:54, 10 replies)

What! She'd never seen man-love before?
( Ken Oath, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 14:01, closed)

It was, alas...
A member of the fairer sex.
(SigourneysBeaver took off and nuked the entire site from orbit on, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 14:07, closed)

You mean he was Norwegian?

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Fri 5 Apr 2013, 14:10, closed)

Oh I give up.

(SigourneysBeaver took off and nuked the entire site from orbit on, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 14:11, closed)

Don't give up - more of these excellent lies please!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 14:16, closed)

No keep going. It's only weird the first time. Just pretend it's a girl. Maybe a greek girl.
( Ken Oath, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 14:17, closed)

More tedious lies plz
(TheManHimself Beer Drinkin', Breath Stinkin', Sniffing Glue, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 14:28, closed)

PURE ARYAN MANRAPE, no less

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 14:43, closed)

Course you did.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 14:18, closed)

What I DIDN'T?!?
Fuck me. I could have swore I got kicked out and had to live with a mate in Ealing for a few months because of it...
(SigourneysBeaver took off and nuked the entire site from orbit on, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 14:32, closed)

I cannot believe you told a shit sex lie and then deleted it when I had work to do.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 18:48, closed)

ha ha needs more honda accord, bender
(TheManHimself Beer Drinkin', Breath Stinkin', Sniffing Glue, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 19:31, closed)

This is nowhere near
good enough to make the badger list.

I suggest you edit it, and tell us how you punched your girlfriend in the face, knocking the 12" joint out of her mouth and starting a fire.
(username failed moderation, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 14:33, closed)

You as well, eh?

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 14:40, closed)

uncanny.
( Ken Oath, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 14:46, closed)

One to give,
one to receive.

You home-wrecker, Vaggy.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 14:49, closed)

Oi!
( Ken Oath, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 14:50, closed)

The fail is strong in this one.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 14:52, closed)

What...
Surprised????
(SigourneysBeaver took off and nuked the entire site from orbit on, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 14:53, closed)

Not as surprised as your ex, when she came home and caught you balls deep buried in the hairy anus of some Norwegian bloke, over the sofa.
( Ken Oath, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 14:56, closed)

Oh it was a GUY?
I thought he was on about a girl.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 15:18, closed)

Maybe it was a dog. Some dogs are quite fair, and friendly, and I suppose, big enough to take a man's cock up the jacksie.
( Ken Oath, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 15:24, closed)

It was a girl.
But apparently that is too unbelievable for some people.
Oh well.
(SigourneysBeaver took off and nuked the entire site from orbit on, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 15:26, closed)

Yes.
And it really happened, as well.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 15:28, closed)

he's not upset, just trolling the trolls
(TheManHimself Beer Drinkin', Breath Stinkin', Sniffing Glue, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 19:32, closed)

Why would one stick his penis in a ladies anus when there is a perfectly good orifice mere centimeters away.

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 9 Apr 2013, 0:05, closed)

First anal sex, now smoked fish.
What a revolting combination.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 15:38, closed)

Clearly you've never had brown trout for breakfast.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 15:47, closed)

I can't believe you deleted all the drug references, too, that bit about smoking a tiny joint through your jap's eye was amazing.
But not as amazing as that bit about what you did to the sexy 13 year old who definitely looked A LOT OLDER. Now everyone's just going to have to imagine what depravity was here before the fish came along.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 20:26, closed)

It was better than you could have ever imagined...
Seriously!
(SigourneysBeaver took off and nuked the entire site from orbit on, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 22:51, closed)

OP = best bit of mod editing ever

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sat 6 Apr 2013, 9:16, closed)

I like this. But I've already clicked I like this
I can't remember now for which post tho.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sat 6 Apr 2013, 10:32, closed)