Lager
The amber nectar.

I can sniff it out. Line up any number of 'by the tap' lagers and I will find the Fosters.

Went to my local lunchtime boozer (E1) to chuck back 4 pints before staggering back to the office and asked the manager for a pint. Colin knew what I wanted and dished it out together with a wine for some bit of office totty I was trying to rub my blackberry up and down. Mine is special as it charges by kinetic energy. That's what I told her anyway.

Have a quick sip and return to a bit of blonde talk. Taste buds / nose kicks in and reports back to brain that the liquid I've just imbibed was not right.

Another slurp whilst agreeing about Sandra being a back stabbing bitch and glad she got a verbal.

Nose to Brain - 'oi monkey meat, that's not Fosters you're guzzeling down your gullet. Get it sorted or ill report to stomach to reject forthwith'.

Brain strains to keep up and chooses to have a last taste of sweet blonde stuff, whilst the todger dept was thinking the same.

Nose to Brain 'See, wanker, fucking told you it wasn't Fosters, sort it now!' Followed by a slight churn of my tum tum just to make a point.

Oi, Colin, you arse. Have you cleaned the pipes out properly? I piped up.

Of course I fucking have you southern softie. Now fucking drink it. Was colin's reply.

No, seriously. Its not Fosters.

Yes it fucking is!

No, its fucking not!!!

Colin gets off his arse and pours a rats piss size off the Fosters tap and offers it to me. I drink, swill and almost spit.

Nope. That's not Fosters.

It fucking is. Colin reminds me. I've just poured it out of the Fosters tap!

I don't care, my gentle local landlord, that is not Fosters.

It fucking is!

Its NOT!

I changed the barrel myself this morning! Ut fucking is.

Bet you a tenner its not!

Right you little twerp! And walks off swearing.

Colin returns in 5 mins and goes straight to the till, takes out a tenner and promply hands it over to me.

Aye, ya wanker. Ave it. I connected the 1664 barrel to the Fosters line.

Ha told you! Believe me next time and ill have a replacement pint please.

Cor a tenner. Off a scottish landlord in the east end of london.

Result.

Shame the blondes body didn't match up. Still, made her ......
(Suck it and Sea, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 13:09, 21 replies)

Thank God you're back Legless

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 13:28, closed)

wow. so you can tell the difference between fosters and kronenberg?
that's....pretty fucking ordinary, really. since they taste completely different, and that.

now. have i ever told you my story about when i asked for a diet coke and i got an orange juice instead and it was dark in there and I COULD STILL TELL THE DIFFERENCE?
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 13:33, closed)

But
did you seduce a girl who you define entirely by her hair colour afterwards? Because that would be super cool.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:52, closed)

well i did, but it turns out she was a fat chick.
still totally fucked her though. YEAH!
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:57, closed)

BOOM!
Lad! You're the man! I wish I could be you!
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 9:03, closed)

I think the most important thing to remember here
is that Fosters tastes like tramp's piss. You shouldn't have said anything about the 1664.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 23 Nov 2010, 13:38, closed)

So let me get this straight...
Your preferred drink is Fosters? Oy, veh.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 13:39, closed)

1664 is horrible
it tastes like Fosters with half a bag of sugar in it and it gives me a rotten head the next day

Give me Fosters any time
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 13:54, closed)

For me beer
just comes down to the quality that is purchased. All the cheap stuff they buy for clubs tastes like piss and anyting on tap from a hotel bar or a quality pub will be o.k imo....Mind you i'm not much of a lager drinker, get's way to gassy for my 30+ belly.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 14:10, closed)

FFS
Arguing the relative merits of Foster's and 1664 is like fighting over whether it's better to have your arse-hair removed with napalm or to have your toes individually bitten off by rabid badgers.
( .Yeti., Tue 23 Nov 2010, 14:23, closed)

I'd
go for the rabid badgers option, especially as I haven't been able to feel my toes for half the day ;)
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 14:51, closed)

Yeah, there's a reason that Fosters is usually the cheapest lager in a pub/club - to borrow a phrase from Lord Stephen of Fry, it is "arse gravy of the worst kind".
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Tue 23 Nov 2010, 14:32, closed)

Fosters...
...is satans piss. Composed of e-numbers. The difference in taste is actually the lack of (1664) brain cell deletion and sperm death which is the normal result of imbibing Fosters.

It's not even drunk in Oz, that's a marketing scam...
(rampants, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 15:32, closed)

I saw loads of it at a work event last week. It sat there untouched when everyone else got stuck into the Crowns. Even the VB was drunk in preference to the Fosters.
( SteamedCleaner, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 16:10, closed)

Needs more line breaks.
And shorter sentences.

Don't get me wrong.

This post already fills the entire screen as it is.

But if you made it a bit bigger, you'd push the neighbouring posts even further out of the way.

And reduce the already-slim chance of someone else stealing your thunder to zero.

Also, I didn't read a word of that post.

No offence.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 20:48, closed)

Yoh!
I was typing that on my Blackberry earlier on the way back from court.

Swipe? Chambers later?

Sniff.

Get back to the rest of you muppets later. Sorry about the line breaks, but if that's all you have to whinge about .......
(Suck it and Sea, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 22:52, closed)

Well...
"Sorry about the line breaks, but if that's all you have to whinge about ......."

Here are a couple more:

Its vs. It's
Guzzeling vs. Guzzling

Oh, and the pervading tone of smug, I'm-the-man style delusional twattery.
(flimflam_machine, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 13:21, closed)

^This, with added ^this
I have zero skills at image manipulation but cannot get this picture out of my head:


( .Yeti., Wed 24 Nov 2010, 17:08, closed)

seamless
:D
(augsav forgot about B3ta, Thu 25 Nov 2010, 1:58, closed)

Hence the disclaimer
:-)
( .Yeti., Thu 25 Nov 2010, 7:31, closed)

My hat is off to you, Sir
There are few lagers which I could differentiate.

And many, many fewer than that which I would choose to drink.

You should move on to a man's drink and pass your your lager and lime to the nearest girl ;-)
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Wed 24 Nov 2010, 13:17, closed)