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This is a question Theft

Ever stolen something? Own up to the B3ta Police. Ever been the victim of theft? Grass somebody up.

Thanks to fucksocks for the suggestion

(, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 12:51)
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Sign o' the times.
About 2 years ago after a busy and noisy Sat. night I found a street sign similar to this -

had been bent over repeatedly back and forth, broken off and left in the middle of the road. As it was clearly a traffic hazard I took it off the road and placed it on the side of the road on my property's side of the footpath (so it wouldn't then become a pedestrian hazard).
I rang the local council and got pretty much what I had expected from the mob that happily takes thousands of dollars in rates from me every year and on a Sun. morning - fuck all. The on duty ranger informed me that "those" signs weren't the providence of the council and I should contact the Main Roads Dept. Which I did. Unsurprisingly the Main Roads boffin informed me that the council fellow was effectively talking out of his bottom and the responsibility for the sign lay completely with the council. I eventually rang the council on Mon. spoke to someone who knew what they were doing and wasn't a supercilious cunt who arranged for someone to come and fix the sign that week. I told them that the sign was in my carport (garage), as again on the Sun. night someone had thrown the large metal sign and post onto the road again making a traffic hazard - no problems at their end.
Sho 'nuff some bloke turned up a couple of days later with a new sign (good to see my rates in action) and post, pulled up some bricks near the footpath, chucked in a bag of quickset and bunged in the new sign. He took the old one away with him after giving me a quizzical look when I got it from the carport.

About a year later.....
Rinse and repeat.
Only this time no-one turned up to replace the sign. So I rang the council again. & again. & again. To absolutely fuck all avail. Then a few months later I got a rude letter from the council stating that a passing council security patrol had spotted the sign in my carport and if I didn't return the sign to it's correct position criminal charges could follow. Uhh?
So I rang 'em. Again. I gave them the name of the civil engineer I'd spoken to previously. To my complete lack of shock I was told he no longer worked there - I had a hard time not querying as to whether it was because he was inept and hadn't done his job.

Anyhoo.... I told them it had been broken off. Again. Months ago, and despite my attempts to get them to fix it nothing had been done. I also pointed out that I'd placed it in my carport out of the way because otherwise the local yoofs found throwing a roughly 2m, 30 odd kg. lump of metal around in the early morning hours great fun but that sometimes those actions could be hazardous. Mostly to traffic. And sometimes my ability to sleep.
2 days later the cops turned up on my doorstep. EDIT: Because there will be shitflingers - I explained the situation to them, they both agreed with my actions in removing the sign from the road and footpath and suggested that once I squared things up with the council & seeing as I clearly wasn't a criminal mastermind road sign thief, I could go to court and chase them for costs. By this time I'd looked up the useless boffin - he was at a much better job in the private sector where it seems you get paid a lot more to fuck up civil engineering. He must have got in touch with the council because the last time I checked with the police there was NO summons for me for "Theft and vandalism of Govt. Property."

No bee venom DNA was used in the apprehension of the persons unknown who knocked over the sign (either time) & I've got a nice yellow "SLOW DOWN" sign on a big yellow metal pole leaning against the wall in my carport if anyone wants it.
(, Mon 11 Nov 2013, 23:18, 13 replies)

(, Tue 12 Nov 2013, 2:46, closed)
Thank you,
I was thinking of taking it to LA to pitch as a movie trilogy.
EDIT: My biggest concern would have to be, which of the great board-treaders we could find that would bring enough gravitas and pathos to the role of me?
(, Tue 12 Nov 2013, 3:03, closed)
Not a member but in his prime of great roles Joey Deacon I am sure could have brought the
necessary dynamic to the role of Rob.
(, Tue 12 Nov 2013, 9:20, closed)
I was thinking one of the Fox
brothers in their prime.

Or maybe John Hurt.

If "Steve McDonald" was available I might consider him....
(, Tue 12 Nov 2013, 9:32, closed)
John Matuszak
He'd have to be reincarnated, wear the full make up from his most famous role and have severe brain damage and crippling autism to make it convincing though.
(, Tue 12 Nov 2013, 10:07, closed)

(, Tue 12 Nov 2013, 11:20, closed)
Jesus Christ
And you get upset when people call you dull.
(, Tue 12 Nov 2013, 10:22, closed)
Im disappointed
You didn't piss on anyone with your greasy cock
(, Tue 12 Nov 2013, 10:30, closed)
Wait for it..
wait for it...
(, Tue 12 Nov 2013, 11:18, closed)
Ok...if you insist.
See below.
(, Tue 12 Nov 2013, 15:39, closed)
So your story is...
"I neither stole the sign, nor had it stolen, and noone else was particularly bothered by the lack of theft either"?

(, Tue 12 Nov 2013, 11:45, closed)
Best. Birthday. Ever.
Alright drongos?

Been a while, I know - but internet access in my 'secure facility' is only given out to those lags who've earned their privileges. Last few weeks have been tough, I'd almost gone a month without an 'incident' (which is what me docs call it when I piss all over some bastard), until some cunt in the mess hall only gave me three scoops of mash, not four. I showed the idiot though - popped me greasy cock into the soup tureen and pissed away! Ha! No one had soup that day! The burns took the skin clean off me greasy pipe and I had 2 weeks in the san...but worth it eh?!

Anyhoo...going back a few years now, before I became a state-sanctioned imbecile, I used to live with ma out in the sticks. On my 49th birthday I got a bit blotto and was staggering down the long, dusty road home when I saw one of those yellow SLOW DOWN signs. Now I've always wanted one of them and considering ma's contribution to my big day was $10 and a gallon of homebrew, I decided to take the bastard back with me.

Trouble was, those signs are pretty much cemented into the ground. But being a plus-sized gent, I knew I could use me extra weight to my advantage. I jumped up and pulled down on it with all my 41 stone and slowly and surely the sign started to bend over. I pulled and pulled and after considerable effort the thing snapped! It wasn't a clean break and the end was very jagged and rusty - but now I had myself the bestest birthday present ever!

Thing is. Those bastard yellow cunts are heavier than they look. I was dragging it down the highway but me hands were being shredded by the razor-sharp metal rusty bits. Bugger, I thought. I'd have to get me ute.

But then, as if by magic, a truck-load of me mates came driving down the road. 'Alright, Fatty Fatholme!' they called. Always joking around my mates are - a right laugh! 'What the fuck are you doing with that sign?'

I told em I needed a lift back to me trailer (we had a big house - but ma only let me sleep in the bashed-up old trailer in the yard). Sure thing! They said, and lifted my road sign onto the back of the truck. But then the cunts started to drive away! With MY ROAD SIGN! No chance! Mates or not, you don't steal a man's SLOW DOWN sign. Never!

So I charged the truck and managed to haul myself onto front. Me mates stopped the truck and started to shit themselves. 'OK!' they screamed, 'You can have your flaming sign back!' But it was too late. No one steals MY road sign. Quick as a flash I was buck-naked and warming up the old greasy cock. 'Oh SHIT!' they screamed, 'He's doing it! He's doing it! Someone grab the camera! This shit is going on Youtube!'

Trouble was, I couldn't get enough height with me todger to clear the truck and piss on the thieving cunts. I was waving the greasy bastard around but ended up pissing more on meself than anyone else. And soon I'd clean run out of pissing piss. I was drenched, covered in head to toe of MY OWN FOUL-SMELLING URINE!

What could I do? Well, I thought, if I can't have the sign, no one can! So I grabbed it and lay down on me back. Then I got the sharp, rusty end and started shoving it into my greasy back passage. It hurt a bit - but once the fucker was in, it got easier. I shoved that pole deep inside by arse, watching happily as me mate's faces turned from shock to horror! They'd lost the sign for sure, no chance they'd want it now, covered in all the blood and shit that was pouring out me greasy hole!

Two of me mates were so angry they'd lost the sign, that they actually threw up! Ha! I NEVER LOSE! ROB NEVER LOSES! But to be sure, I kept on fucking that dirty, rusty, jagged metal pole. It was tearing my insides out, and man, the smell...oh my god the smell. I must have ruptured something good and proper as filthy, brown gunk was flooding around me legs. Did I care? No! Cos I knew they'd be too scared to touch it now! And I was right. LOSERS!

I guess one of the cunts called the cops, as after fucking myself senseless for a good two hours I passed out and woke up not in the trailer but in this goddam place. BUT THEY NEVER CHARGED ME FOR THE SIGN. I've got a photo of it me comfy cell (even the walls are like a mattress!), they wouldn't let me have the real thing, as me room is too small. But everyday I look at that SLOW DOWN sign in the photo and I swell with pride.

I'm a winner, drongos. A fucking winner.
(, Tue 12 Nov 2013, 14:11, closed)
Two coppers, an inept council official and no nonce-punching?
Life's too short to read Albert's version.
(, Tue 12 Nov 2013, 15:47, closed)

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