Up yours, copper.
New Year's Eve 1999/2000

My (ex) wife's father has a chauffeur company, and I was working the millennium evening for him. In a Chrysler Voyager of all things.

I'd taken a group to Chelsea Harbour in London, and stayed with the other chuaffeurs while Hooray-Henry and Chums got more and more stocious. At least the organisers ensured that we had food and drink laid on for us.

Come about 2am, my party (of about 5) are ready to leave. The nearest one lived in West Wycombe, so off we set along the A40 out of London to drop hime (or her) off.

Now, bear in mind that this lot are all city types, and pretty much off their trollies, but I'm keeping them in check, and they're not being too rowdy.

As we cross over the M25, I spot a Police Patrol Car pull onto the motorway from the slip road. It's now about 2:30, nothing on the road, so he accelerates to pull past us. As he does so, I see the passenger glance in our direction, say something to his colleague and point at us.

He pulls past us, tucks into the lane in front of me, and slows down. This forces me to overtake him, and, when I tuck back in, he just sits on our tail.

"Oh" thinks me.

My turning is coming up, so I indicate to pull off. He does the same.

"Oh, oh" thinks me.

"Guys, I think we're going to be pulled over" I intone, to the sort of cacophony normally associated with the pub after a rugby match.

Sure enough, as soon as I'm on the sliproad, on come the blue lights.

I drive down to the roundabout at the bottom of the sliproad, turn left, and pull over as soon as it is safe to do.

The Police car pulls up, the passenger gets out, and walks to the car, making a big show of looking around it and searching for something to nick me for.

Finally he approaches the driver's door, and taps on the window. Imagine Reg Holdsworth from the Bill. Very officious.

As I wind it down, the waft of alcohol nearly knocks him over. I can visible see him reel.

"Good evening, sir. Can I ask where you're coming from?" says he.

"London, officer" says I.

"At a party, were we?" says he.

"Well, we were" says I.

"Had anything to drink at all?" says he.

"Errm, I think about three or four pints" says I.

"And do you think you are safe to drive with that in your system?" says he.

"Errm, yes?" I hazard.

"Well, I don't. Please take the keys out of the ignition, and step out of the car" says Officer Pompous. Oooo, he's so excited, he's got me.

So, I do, and he leads me to the Police Car, and gets me to sit in the back seat.

All this time, his colleague, a portly, jolly fellow is sitting behind the wheel smiling gently to himself.

"Right, I'd like you to blow into this" says PC McSquirt, proferring a roadside breathtest kit. "Just keep blowing untill I tell you to stop".

I do so.

Green light.

He looks at the kit as if offended. Gets out a new mouthpiece, and fits it to the machine.

"Let's try again, shall we?" says he.

I comply.

Green light.

"I thought you said you'd had something to drink tonight" says PC Bemused.

"I have" says I. "About three or four pints. Could be more."

"Well, this machine says otherwise" says Pc Copper Plod-Mc-Plod.

"Did you aske him what drink he'd had to drink?" says PC Santa laconically from the front of the car.

Cue colour drain from PC Full-Of-Self's face.

"What did you drink?" he says, spittle at the corner of his mouth.

"Errm, orange juice and apple juice" says I.

"Ahh" says PC Egg-On-Face. "Why didn't you say?"

"You didn't ask" says I.

PC Happy-Chappy now takes over. He admonishes PC Tail-Between-Legs (and myself for "wasting Police time") and sends me on my way.

As we pull away (to cheers from the crowd in my car), I can see PC-My-Bumhole-Is-Now-Tighter-Than-A-Cat's being yelled at by his colleague.

Not so much sticking it to the man, but more not stopping him sticking it to himself.

And it was worth a few substantial tips, as I regaled the passengers with the full details.
(SatchmoR No, mummy, don't put knitting needles in my ears!, Tue 22 Jun 2010, 12:33, 10 replies)

four pints of orange/apple juice
you shouldn't have been driving because you were about to imminently shit your ring
(likeajackhammer, Tue 22 Jun 2010, 12:35, closed)

I Sank Ooo
New KB please. Coffee on mine.

Come to think on it, I was a little bit in pain. I put it down to the vol-au-vents!
(SatchmoR No, mummy, don't put knitting needles in my ears!, Tue 22 Jun 2010, 12:46, closed)

this is class
although I still take uxbridge at PC Santa telling you off for wasting police time - bollocks - their fault not yours - you don't have to do their thinking for them.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 22 Jun 2010, 12:38, closed)

Yeah
You tell them that, though, and they will find *something* on your car to make your life difficult with. Traffic coppers are like that.
( Kroney, Tue 22 Jun 2010, 12:44, closed)

I have absolutely no doubt about that.
Which makes the story even more yay.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 22 Jun 2010, 12:48, closed)

it is wasting police time though
if you say you've had a few pints it's clear that the inference is pints of booze.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 22 Jun 2010, 13:38, closed)

Not at all. It's the absolute truth - you've had a few pints.
It's their duty to ask what the pints were made of, not yours to do their thinking for them.

Like if you ask a diabetic "Have you eaten anything today?" they may well reply "Yes." - it's your duty to ask "Was it a bowl of sugar?"
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 22 Jun 2010, 13:56, closed)

Hooray!
*clicks till his winky's sore*
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Tue 22 Jun 2010, 13:16, closed)

I like THIS

(Archeleus hates cabbage, Tue 22 Jun 2010, 14:59, closed)

How many?
Is this the fourth or fifth he-said-have-you-been-drinking-I-said-yes-he-said-you're-nicked-I-said-but-it-was-soft-drinks-he-said-grrrrr story we've had? Admittedly this is the longest and most detailed, but if I had a suspicious and cliched mind I'd be wondering if the car in question was possibly, just possibly, a Honda Accord.
(ubergeekian, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 0:17, closed)