Tell chalk from cheese
by eating one at bedtime and seeing if it gives you nightmares.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 17 May 2011, 14:43, Reply)

Make a work colleague sound less of a cunt
by referring to him as "a right character".
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 17 May 2011, 14:41, Reply)

Disgruntled nurses of Stephen Hawking
On your last day at work, replace his voice synthesiser for one with a different voice much like you can with a SatNav. For example, Joe Pasquale, Janet Street-Porter or perhaps a Jamaican accent.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 17 May 2011, 14:35, Reply)

Pretend to be a tramp
By being from Scotland.
I imagine this works vice versa also.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 17 May 2011, 14:35, Reply)

Tell chalk from cheese
By placing cheese in the fridge in a box marked cheese
And chalk in the cupboard in a box marked chalk.

Simple.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 17 May 2011, 14:32, Reply)

Show people how boring you are
By saying 'I'm mad me...' as soon as you meet them.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 17 May 2011, 14:31, Reply)

Pretend your one of them 'creative office types'
By continually using buzz words and phrases that no-one has a fucking clue about.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 17 May 2011, 14:29, 7 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Make people think you're interesting by travelling the world and having lots of exciting adventures.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 17 May 2011, 14:28, Reply)

Cyclists
Replace your wheels for square ones to make riding up and down stairs easier.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 17 May 2011, 14:25, Reply)

Make women think your are Gok Wan
By calling them 'girlfriend' asking to see their bangers and then 'parping' them in the manner a clown would use a car horn.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 17 May 2011, 14:25, Reply)

Men
Make your penis appear an inch or so longer by trimming back your pubes.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 17 May 2011, 14:24, Reply)

Women
Make men happier by touching their willies.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 17 May 2011, 14:23, Reply)

tease Muay Thai practitioners
by surreptitiously affixing a 'Kick Me' sign to their back
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Tue 17 May 2011, 14:22, Reply)

DeLorean owners
Convince people your Flux Capacitor is broken by driving at 90mph.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 17 May 2011, 14:17, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Suicide bombers.
Avoid any 72-virgin-promise mishaps by not detonating outside a Games Workshop store.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 17 May 2011, 14:02, Reply)

Hide treasure by miniturising it and putting it at the bottom of goldfish bowls.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 17 May 2011, 14:01, Reply)

Arachnophobic people
Agressively tackle your fear head on by becoming the Incredible Shrinking Man.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 17 May 2011, 14:01, Reply)

fool your goldfish into thinking he's a feudal baron
by installing a castle and a treasure chest in his fish bowl.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Tue 17 May 2011, 13:43, Reply)

Men! Get ladies to have sex with you by claiming that you care about their feelings and such-and-such.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 17 May 2011, 13:27, Reply)

GIRLS!
Claim to be a size 10 on your online dating profile, then when we meet actually be nearer double that.

Men fucking LOVE that.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 17 May 2011, 13:20, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Pretend to be homosexual
By fancying men.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 17 May 2011, 13:18, Reply)

TV Historians and archaeologists! Make your audience think they have quite literally travelled back in time
by dressing in an old fashioned manner, referring to past events in the present tense, and saying "we have quite literally travelled back in time", despite the fact that they're watching fucking television.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 17 May 2011, 12:55, Reply)

Make your neighbour think you are batman
By buying a red telephone and keeping it under a pyrex bowl on your table
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 17 May 2011, 12:21, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Avoid embarrasing visits to a mental hospital
by not telling the police that you are Batman
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 17 May 2011, 12:20, Reply)

Pretend to be the Amazing Colossal Man
by living in a wendy house, shaving your head and wearing a huge nappy.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 17 May 2011, 12:04, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Solve clashes in the event of two Health And Safety conflicts
by having a Thunderdome-style 'two men enter, one man leave' contest between opposing H+S inspectors. Whomever shall emerge gets to have his way.

Reasons for this plan include one inspector who insisted that chairs were present in the lab as long term standing could lead to deep vein thrombosis while the next one took them away as a potential trip hazard. Also the one who insisted the hot water tank thermostat be turned down to avoid scalding while the next one turned it back up again to avoid the possibility of legionella breeding.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Tue 17 May 2011, 11:36, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Make your self look like 'Ant' from Ant and Dec
By looking at your face in the back of a spoon
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 17 May 2011, 11:14, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Make people think your head is absolutely massive by going everywhere with a huge magnifying glass in front of you.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 17 May 2011, 11:02, Reply)

Brasso
Makes ideal 'baileys Irish Cream' for people that neither know nor care anymore....
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Mon 16 May 2011, 19:31, 1 reply, 14 years ago)