Brighten up a boring day at the office
by looking at internet porn.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 16:39, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Prevent cats from doing their business in your garden
by hiding all the musical instruments.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 15:38, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Prevent cats from doing
their business in your garden by securing your wireless network and hiding the outdoor fax machine.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 15:31, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Stop the neighbourhood cats
crapping in your garden by leaving out a saucer of milk laced with Immodium.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 15:30, Reply)

Stop getting bored on Thursday afternoons
by having another wank.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 14:32, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Stop Top Tips becoming over run by bored B3tans on a Thursday afternoon
by updating the Question Of The Week around lunchtime.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 14:21, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Your mum makes an ideal sexual partner
for absolutely anyone.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 14:17, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Uranus
Makes a perfect "oversized comedy Neptune" for Pluto.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 13:56, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Your mum
makes a perfect "oversized comedy mum" for you.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 13:53, Reply)

Ants make perfect comedy "oversized ants" for bacteria.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 13:51, Reply)

Matchsticks
make perfect "oversized comedy matchsticks" for ants.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 13:45, Reply)

Appear to be one of the indie social elite by claiming to have gone to nightclubs that don't exist, where you saw people from bands who's names you've made up.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 13:35, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Tip poster paint
into the paper tray of your printer to recreate nursery-kids artwork,
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 13:25, Reply)

Get a free haircut
by standing next to a hedge and waiting for it to be trimmed.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 12:54, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Paul McCartney
You don't have to marry every woman you have sex with.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 11:59, Reply)

Professional footballers
There are women who exist outside of the world of glamour models and reality TV contestents.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 11:58, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Make sure people know which band you like
by wearing t-shirts with their name on it.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 11:43, Reply)

If you run a company and are struggling to meet your Corporate Social Responsibility targets
hire mentally handicapped people by hosting a TV show designed specifically to recruit them.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 11:19, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Help people improve their character, personality and social skills
by pointing out their faults.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 9:35, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Annoy other pedestrians
by using your arms to signal your turning intentions and by flashing a torch in their eyes to let them know you are giving them right of way.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 9:12, Reply)

Reassure People Feeling Under The Weather
by telling them that “there’s a lot of it going ‘round” whilst adding that someone they’ve never heard of or indeed care about has had it and were off work for ages, etc.
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Thu 2 Jun 2011, 0:47, Reply)

Writing "left" and "right"
on the backs of your hands provides you with a simple way to remember which is which, without drawing attention to yourself by holding your hands out.
( Ungersven would support SpankyHanky's patreon, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 23:26, Reply)

Holding Out One’s Left Hand
with palm facing away from you and extending the thumb at a right angle to the index finger creates a letter L. This denotes that the hand you see before is your left and not your right. Please note: does not work with right hand.
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Wed 1 Jun 2011, 22:51, Reply)

Pretend you are a twat
by riding a quadbike on public roads.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 22:27, Reply)

avoid fatal road accidents by
climbing in to your neighbors cars and cutting all there brake lines instead thus ensuring that the local roads will be totally blocked and you will have no need to use your car
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 20:38, Reply)

is it just me ?
or does the name sepp blatter sound like a euphemism for mangoo eg
oh yes here comes the mangoo could be become some thing like sorry dear i didn't mean to get some sepp blatter in your eye but that first twitch of my cock and it was all over the place
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 15:46, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Entertain other guests at dinner parties
by espousing your opinions loudly and resolutely.

Extra marks for patronising perceived opposition in the same sentence.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 15:13, Reply)

A goldfish
painted black and white, makes an ideal 'free willy' for very small people.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 14:55, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Daily Mail readers
Disguise your racism at the start of every comment by saying
'Im not racist but......'
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 14:54, 8 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Pretend you are Heather Mills
by cutting your own leg off then shagging an old man.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 14:52, Reply)