"Approach love and cooking with joyful abandon" - Dali Lama

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 29 Jul 2011, 14:30, Reply)

Spice up your sex life
by putting some ginger up her bum.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 29 Jul 2011, 13:33, 3 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

beef
makes ideal 'Quorn' if you cant be arsed to pander to those freaky vegetarians that come round for dinner now and again.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 29 Jul 2011, 12:43, Reply)

A bin bag, a canal and some bricks
Is much cheaper than the 25 quid the vet charges to have your dog put down.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 29 Jul 2011, 11:59, 4 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Ugly fruit make excellent emergency telephones
- Hollow out the ugly fruit
- Talk into it.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 29 Jul 2011, 11:17, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

Banana skins are excellent emergency shoe polishers
- Rub inner side of the skin all over your shoes.
- Gently polish off with a soft clothe.

Instructions with pictures: www.wikihow.com/Polish-Shoes-with-a-Banana
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Fri 29 Jul 2011, 10:31, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

Encourage your partner to suck you off more often
by introducing a system similar to nectar points so that they may save up and earn treats for themselves. Have a tariff of extra bonus points for premium acts of blow-jobbery such as swallowing and deep throating.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 28 Jul 2011, 23:38, 2 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

TV news producers
Make anonymous witness' statements more amusing in two ways-

1. If The voice has to be changed to protect their anonymity, use a ring modulator effect so they sound like a dalek, cylon, whatever...
2. If their statement has to be read out by an actor, make it BRIAN BLESSED. EVEN THE WOMEN.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 28 Jul 2011, 20:17, Reply)

Dipping snakes into liquid nitrogen
makes them easier to whittle.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 28 Jul 2011, 19:31, 2 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Sheep
make ideal tampax for elephants.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 28 Jul 2011, 19:29, Reply)

Normal-sized Mobile 'Phones
make ideal '80s-style mobile phones for pixes, fairies, goblins and elves...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Thu 28 Jul 2011, 16:48, Reply)

Supermarkets
Put disabled parking spaces as far away from the entrance of the store as possible, to reduce the appeal to able bodied people who want to park in them.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Thu 28 Jul 2011, 15:10, Reply)

Cashew Nuts
make ideal 'croissants' for large stag beetles...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Thu 28 Jul 2011, 12:31, Reply)

Pour cola all over your mobile 'phone
for that "freshly washed in cola" feeling when taking a call.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 28 Jul 2011, 12:07, Reply)

Laugh at people
who have sunken trenches in their gardens with one side concealed from view...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Thu 28 Jul 2011, 9:42, 3 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

cant aford a pot of basil on your
window sill to make your house smell like cat piss?
then simply aqiure an incontinent old cider lady from the nearest hedge or bench and have live in your house instead
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Thu 28 Jul 2011, 8:31, Reply)

Don't have cats?
A pot of basil on your window sill is an attractive way of making your house smell of cat piss.
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 28 Jul 2011, 6:38, Reply)

Save time on facebook...
Don't bother writing a happy birthday message on someones wall. Just wait for someone else to do it and click 'like'.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 28 Jul 2011, 0:00, Reply)

avoid looking like a looser with no friends or reason to live
by not posting to many toptips in one go
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 19:54, Reply)

generate a catchy nick name for your self with a play on words for example
you could be the scunthorpe vagina
or in europe you could be the brest mammory
but back in england you could be the birminingham dirtyfuckingminginglyingbastardthatstolemyfone
or similar
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 19:54, Reply)

gentlemen hide your penis from friends family and you self
by being fat






just like meatloaf in fact
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 19:49, Reply)

convince people that you are josef fritzl by
hiding your baby making lady in your basement.



if you do not have a basement with a secret room just tell any visitors to not look for your basement or baby making lady friend
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 19:48, Reply)

pretend that you are meatloaf the famouse singer
by being fat
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 19:46, Reply)

Pretend you're in White Snake by walking down a road alone.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 17:30, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

Pretend you're Sinead O'Connor by eating your dinner in a fancy restaurant.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 17:13, Reply)

Educate policemen by informing them that you pay their wages.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 15:54, Reply)

Make prints come out of the printer faster
by staring at it. Saying 'Come on you bastard' may also work.
(Smale is stuffed, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 15:48, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

Impress
the new, blonde, 21-year-old temp in your office by agreeing that, you too, like Justin Bieber, and have "got all her records"...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Wed 27 Jul 2011, 15:38, Reply)

Make air by adding fire to water.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 13:47, Reply)

Entertain kids at birthday parties
by putting on a Donkey Punch and Judy puppet show.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Wed 27 Jul 2011, 13:35, Reply)