Cover your tracks
if your boss accuses you of having had a liquid lunch after your inevitably slurred return to the office, by claiming you have just been diagnosed with Parkinson's...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Sat 22 Oct 2011, 4:33, Reply)

make sewer rats feel important and socialy acceptable by
hiding colonel gadaffi in there sewer pipe
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Fri 21 Oct 2011, 15:14, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Get a large sausage, slice it lengthways to a depth of about 2/3s its width, shove a breadstick in.
Now you have an inside-out hotdog; the perfect mutant snack for halloween.
(PERSONALITY HORSE Graham Tapes - free download album - coming soon, Fri 21 Oct 2011, 14:58, Reply)

Make sewer rats think that there are hundreds of giant goldfish living in your house
by shitting through a collander.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 21 Oct 2011, 12:21, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Lie to your mum
that you're getting a wank off Will Self.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 21 Oct 2011, 12:05, Reply)

lie to your self that your mum is wanking me off

( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Thu 20 Oct 2011, 19:38, Reply)

Lie on top of your mother for 10 minutes
and it will feel like you're having a cup of tea.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 20 Oct 2011, 15:48, Reply)

Lie on top yourself for half an hour and it will feel like someone else is having a wank.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 20 Oct 2011, 11:21, Reply)

Pretend you have piles
by sellotaping some wire-wool over your anus.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 19 Oct 2011, 15:05, Reply)

Pretty ladies on the bus wearing low-cut blouses and short skirts
Sit upstairs at the front right-hand side so that I can sit behind you and use the driver's periscope mirror to look down your cleavage and at your thighs.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 19 Oct 2011, 15:00, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

rework old idioms and expressions to bring them up to date in the 21st century
e.g. Glamour models should be seen but not heard. And if they've stopped taking their clothes off then they shouldn't be seen either.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Wed 19 Oct 2011, 14:43, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

In order to follow soup-consuming etiquette
ensure you always drink Cup-A-Soup from the other side of the mug...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Wed 19 Oct 2011, 12:43, Reply)

Potential World Champion Wrestlers...
...when the current champion's friend distracts the ref this is normally the time when the champion will either kick you in the nuts or hit you with a weapon, keep your distance until the ref is focusing on the ring.

Or quit and get a proper job.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Wed 19 Oct 2011, 7:54, Reply)

worryers why not spend a miserable tuesday wondering if you buried that body in the woods deep enough ?

( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Mon 17 Oct 2011, 22:26, Reply)

Enjoy a delious lunchtime meal
by making your own sandwiches.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 17 Oct 2011, 11:04, Reply)

Shop-bought mass sandwich makers!
provide a cheap alternative for butter by using margerine...oh hang on.
provide a cheap alternative for margerine by using an airbrush to glaze the bread with a 0.5 micron layer of vaseline/titanium dioxide emulsion. That'll be DELICIOUS.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sun 16 Oct 2011, 22:56, Reply)

My cock makes excellent stuffing for your mum on sundays

( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 22:12, Reply)

Your mum makes a perfect "sunday roast" for you and your dad.

(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 19:41, 8 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Entertain deaf people by talking about elephant stew with your colleagues.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 16:06, Reply)

Make deaf people feel more normal
by talking about them behind their backs...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Thu 13 Oct 2011, 12:56, Reply)

turn your iphone
Into a Blackberry by putting it in airplane mode.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 10:52, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Have sex while listening to the theme from Benny Hill.
Extra points if your partner doesn't switch it off before the end.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 9:17, Reply)

Suprise stag beetles when receiving oral sex by crushing them with your mighty fist, or you won't feel the benefit.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 8:46, Reply)

Stop your partner's eyes watering while they're deepthroating you.
By only pushing it right in while they're kneeling next to a gas burner.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Wed 12 Oct 2011, 18:45, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Surprise your partner when recieving oral sex
By pushing her down to a deep-throat position and then using parcel tape to keep her head in place.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 12 Oct 2011, 17:46, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Surprise your partner when recieving oral sex
By telling her she got the date wrong your birthday is tomorrow.
(fire_exit, Wed 12 Oct 2011, 17:32, Reply)

onions
chop onions next to a lit gas burner. somehow it reduced the amount of make-you-cry stuff that the onion releases. got this from a tv cooking show host (alton brown) and it works very well! of course, if you have an electric range instead of gas, you're screwed.
(fai is rocking khaz modan server as of, Wed 12 Oct 2011, 16:46, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

are you a cabinet minister plagued by innuendo that you might be secretly gay?
Hide the negative publicity timebomb by giving the excuse that the 'manfriend' who has been at your side is merely a fraudulent associate who has been lining up dodgy arms deals without remit or licence from the government.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Wed 12 Oct 2011, 13:06, Reply)

Annoy new-folk singers by covering yourself in thistles and weeds.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 12 Oct 2011, 12:25, 1 reply, 14 years ago)