I like to cook (Warning! May veer dangerously off topic for a bit)!
Had I been born at the right time, I too could have been a celebrity chef, in the mould of Jamie 'floppy mouth' Oliver or Ainsley 'shiny' Harriott.

I own a lovely set of pans, bequeathed to me by my ex mother in law. They were worth about £150 when new, some 13 years ago. If the house caught fire, I'd probably want to save them before they melted. Or at least badly scorched...

Which, by the magic of time-travel, takes me back to last week's QOTW and a particular pet peeve that I'd forgotten about. I was probably getting my bowels in an uproar about so many other things and it slipped my mind.

We are 'blessed' in the UK with an incredible amount of foody-TV, where self righteous knob-ends with GCSEs in woodwork try and preach to the masses about how to cook, how to eat, and what consistency your poo should be. These bastards piss me off somewhat, but particularly with their terminology.

Case in point: pan frying. This is a particularly meaningless phrase. For fucks sake, what else are you going to use to fry food? "Hmm, I fancy a steak tonight, I could grill it, but the grill is knackered. I know! I'll use my plastic sieve. Since I like my steaks rare, there's little chance of the plastic melting onto the gas ring before the steak is done to perfection".

Gaaaaaaaaah!!! You're frying something! In a pan! It's the the logical instrument of choice to use for the purpose!!! The same goes for oven-baking...

Following this illogical turn of phrase, should we then say, "Ainsley, this pan-fried sea-bass looks lovely. Wozza has done me proud, considering I spent less than a fiver in Asda on the ingredients, most of which he procured from the all-purpose BBC studio kitchen. Would you mind awfully if I mouth-ate some now? After which I would like to retire to the green room so I can stomach-digest it. Then, upon arriving home, I will take great delight in arse-shitting the remnants some 4 hours later. And, I'll also cock-piss the wine I've quaffed whilst you tried your best to interfere with the cooking process"?

Personally, I would take Percy pepper ginder and ram it up his arse, base first, then grind the pepper so far up his colon that it would make his eyes water.

And, unrelated, but... that tit who does the voice overs for Big Brother in the UK - Marcus fucking Bentley. My ex line-manager is a friend of his sister, and told me that he doesn't actually talk in that horrible faux-Geordie accent at all (no Geordie talks like that anyway). No, Marcus isn't even a Geordie.

He's from Stockton-on-Tees. Which is in the same region, granted, but they sound nothing like Geordies, in the same way that Glasweigans sound nothing like someone from Edinburgh.

So yes, my pans - I would save them. If only for the potential pleasure of spanging every TV chef across the back of the head with...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 13 May 2008, 0:43, 23 replies)

Mmmmmmm....
Ainsley Harriott snorkers - brandishing the instructions: "Prick with a fork".

Also, from Ready Steady Cook;
*knife cut*
*hand chop by hand* (honestly!)

p.s. in which orifice would you like to actually physically manually insert by hand Sally Salt?
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Tue 13 May 2008, 1:44, closed)

pedantry alert
Could've meant as opposed to deep frying, no?
Now, if you'd said pan seared, that's a different story. story still had me giggling like a mong on mushrooms, though.
--tuqueboy
(tuqueboy has been in a medically -induced coma since, Tue 13 May 2008, 2:53, closed)

I mouse-clicked this...
Just for using the phrases "arse-shitting" and "cock-pissing" in the same sentence as "Ainslie Harriot".
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 13 May 2008, 8:25, closed)

pan frying
nope im with the idea that shallow fry is opposite to deep fry.

therefore when they use the term pan fry, its to stop you getting confused and trying to fry it during a hot summers day on the bonnet of your 1986 Ford Capri

tv twunts... makes me want to fist twat them...
(Mr Alexander si rsdawkcab, Tue 13 May 2008, 10:06, closed)

I'll click, but only if
You grant Keith Floyd exemption from your last sentence.

Floyd is a god and I won't be told differently.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Tue 13 May 2008, 10:19, closed)

^ @ hlt
Agreed - Floyd is fab. And Rick Stein for exemption - he's a gentle man and I miss Chalky the dog....
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Tue 13 May 2008, 10:26, closed)

pans
£150 for a set! They must be shit. A single good copper pan is likely to cost you that. And a good pan wouldn't melt in a house fire unless it's got plastic or wooden attachments - which professional pans don't have.
(frankspencer, Tue 13 May 2008, 12:23, closed)

Over here
we call it a frying pan or a skillet. I prefer skillet myself, for the same reason I prefer to say water heater instead of hot water heater.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 13 May 2008, 12:59, closed)

OK
Floyd and Stein are exempt from the spanging. But everyone else can go and leg-jump off the nearest cliff...

Pan frying - I take the point that it could be shallow frying or deep frying. But it's still frying. In a pan. If you mean shallow fry, then say shallow fry.

And frank - £150 for a set of pans* is expensive by my standards. Prior to owning these babies, I think the most I'd ever spent on a set was £20! And they were perfectly fine, too. I'd possibly consider spending that much on one copper pan, but, since I bought the full sized Dalek, I now have more sense than money...

*These pans cost around £150 some 13 years ago, so in inflation terms, then yes - quite expensive at the time.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 13 May 2008, 13:00, closed)

@Tourette's
One of my pals is a cameraman who swears blind Rick Stein is an alky with moods/temper to match.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 13 May 2008, 13:44, closed)

*click*
And also - Heston Blumenthal.

OK, so some of the stuff he does is AMAZING, and I've been lucky enough to eat at the Fat Duck and it's LOVELY, but when he does his cookery show I want to punch him in the face!

"All you need to do to recreate this dish is to dig your own 2foot wide, 5 foot deep tandoor in the middle of the kitchen. Now, take the Swan breast, and marinade it in the Unicorn tears. Then, once that's done, set the engine of your convenient Tornado GR4 to around 1,320 miles an hour - that's Mach 2 - (the only REAL way to get that Swan meat tender)and cook for 14 days."

FUCK. OFF.

I would save my signed copy of Marco-Pierre White's book. To be on topic, you know?
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 13 May 2008, 14:23, closed)

I'd also exempt Nigella from all the spanging
because I think her recipes are fantastic - I have almost all her books and I use them regularly.

Also if I was so inclined, I'd give her one.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 13 May 2008, 14:46, closed)

Rick Stein and Chalky the dog
What really happened was the dog went into the sea to swim.

This made it seafood in Rick's eyes.

He ate it.

EDIT: "because I think her recipes are fantastic" - Yes. If that's what you call them, yes they are.
( Cawl, Tue 13 May 2008, 14:47, closed)

Horrible moment there...
I read that remark and thought,

"Oh noes! I have misspelt and written receipts instead! Aaaarrrgggghhhh!"

I was preparing myself to throw out the Chickenlady superhero costume and don the sackcloth and ashes.

Then I re-read.

Ah....

You're talking about her thruppennies aren't you?
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 13 May 2008, 15:09, closed)

Yeah,
I'm talking about her knockers.
( Cawl, Tue 13 May 2008, 15:14, closed)

I think Davros is probably one of her knockers
He's knocking all the other TV chefs.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 13 May 2008, 16:19, closed)

Er...
Most fish that is fried is *not* pan-fried, Shirley?
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Tue 13 May 2008, 16:36, closed)

So if they don't fry it in a pan
what do they fry it in?

And who you calling Shirley?

;)
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 13 May 2008, 16:38, closed)

I may be being a tad vitriolic towards TV chefs
And, in deference to chickenlady, I'll knock Nigella off* because, quite frankly, I'm willing to bet that she's an utter filth monger underneath all that plummy voiced niceness.

As with everything, there are exceptions to the rule.

*the list, obviously.

Ainsley's still a tit though
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 13 May 2008, 17:27, closed)

Ainsley
I would happily kill, armed with nothing more than a hand whisk and a plastic spatula.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 13 May 2008, 17:37, closed)

Speaking of Nigella
This is an utter gem from the archives...

www.youtube.com/watch?v=L57BcmGB-E0

Never fails to make me laugh. But then again, I'm often easily amused.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 13 May 2008, 19:08, closed)

@ chickenlady
Big metal buckets filled with sizzling oil, if I remember my rare trips to fish and chip shops correctly.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Wed 14 May 2008, 10:24, closed)

^ yes, but
most homes don't have a big metal bucket installed in their kitchen. Not the ones I've been in anyway...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 14 May 2008, 12:57, closed)