Understood.
So I need a cat that weights the same as 10 handbags; should be easy to find.
( brown-wings Made with three kinds of butter, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:36, 2 replies)

Found one.
A ginger moggy was hiding under my collection of antique tampons, trying to coax a tiny shrew out from a disused Smarties tube.
( brown-wings Made with three kinds of butter, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:37, closed)

Oops no. It's not a cat...
...it's a ginger wig I use when I want to "lez it up" with the missus.
( brown-wings Made with three kinds of butter, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:40, closed)

No, you've misunderstood
the cat should weigh about a tenth of a handbag, if you only have one handbag. But you said you had 8 handbags, so you could get away with a cat that weighed 8/10 of a handbag.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:38, closed)

Maybe if I take the cat to the handbag shop
and purchase one that weighs the same?
( brown-wings Made with three kinds of butter, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:40, closed)

You want to take the cat and a handbag to the scales shop and make sure they weigh the same.
If they don't, you can trim hair/claws/limbs from cat until they do.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:46, closed)

The security guard removed me from House of Fraser
Apparently you're not allowed to bring animals in, unless it's a guide dog.

So, can I use a dog instead of a cat? Reckon I can get in if I slap on some dark glasses and tape a high-viz jacket round next-doors jack russell.
( brown-wings Made with three kinds of butter, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:47, closed)

Nah, wouldn't work
no-ones ever thrown a dog through a window or a screen door after shoving pennies down it's throat. That would be awful.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:50, closed)

Aye true.
I shall have to give this one a miss, but I was fully committed up until that point.

Actually, next door but one have some rabbits - any chance I could...
( brown-wings Made with three kinds of butter, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:53, closed)

Yeah, don't be a cunt, 'brown-wings'.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:54, closed)

it's no wonder everyone hates you.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:48, closed)

I've often wondered about the reasons
I'm glad you've cleared that up.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:49, closed)

I must have missed the "everyone hating Al" part

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:56, closed)

It was about 4:30 - you were in a meeting.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:57, closed)

oh ok
thanks for letting me know
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:59, closed)

About everyone hating Al

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:59, closed)

if I were in a meeting about everyone hating Al
then surely I'd know that everyone hated him.

good god man, you really are as stupid as you look
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 19 May 2011, 17:00, closed)

I thought that was a scientific impossibility but, by God, you're right.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 May 2011, 17:01, closed)

we all know you sit through meeting twiddling your ball beard
as your slow 2:2 brain tries to keep up, it's entirely possible that you had no idea what the meeting was about.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 19 May 2011, 17:04, closed)

We had a party and everything
Printed badges, newsletters, t-shirts, but that was way back in 1999 - we don't party like that any more.
( brown-wings Made with three kinds of butter, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:59, closed)

Oh, we're HATING him now?
Jesus, every week it's different. Love al, hate al, damn it, I think we need a chart, or a downloadable google calendar.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 19 May 2011, 17:09, closed)

How does one drop the weight while spreading cheeks?
I think I have an elegant solution to this problem.

If instead of a ten weight one were to arrange 10 cats, the individual mass of each cat does not matter so long as their combined mass is 10x that of the projectile kitten, in a circle facing inwardly to the mass receiving end of the lever. On this end one tapes a mouse and then cover it with a cup (polystyrene or paper) with a string attached.

All then one has to do is hold the string in either hand when clutching buttock and shuffle forwards. The mouse is thusly exposed and the cat collective pounce simultaneously to launch the projectile cat into one's bot bot.

It goes with out saying this requires the projectile cat to be facing away from the bait mouse otherwise it will become distracted and not fully focused on its special mission.
( Draconacticus Reject shampoo. Demand real poo!, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:57, closed)

blindfolded projectile cat

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:58, closed)

You see, this is what you can achieve when everyone works together.

(Bazongaloid, Thu 19 May 2011, 17:02, closed)

I have consulted my Wilf Lunn Book of Machines
and I reckon a string attached to your big toe, pulling on a match hinged on the side of the matchbox, which lights a candle that burns through a string holding up the weight.

Safety Warning: don't fart whilst the candle is lit.
( brown-wings Made with three kinds of butter, Thu 19 May 2011, 17:05, closed)