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This is a question Twattery

Nigella Pussycat says: Tell us about utter twats doing remarkably twatty things. Or have you ever done something really twattish to a friend, loved one or pet? In summary: Twats

(, Thu 12 Apr 2012, 13:30)
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A further pearost, as it seems I really am a twat.
Subtitle: How I ruined my sister's 40th birthday.

My sister recently celebrated her 40th birthday. All and sundry were invited, and the main living room of her house (no bigger than the Great Hall at Hampton Court, or maybe Wembley stadium) was converted into a function room. Lots of tables with white linen and flowers, hired in caterers and waitresses (did I mention my sister is loaded, the bitch?) and (and here my downfall starts) rather a large amount of wine.

This was the first problem, as I do like a drop or two of tasty, tasty fermented grape juice. The second problem is that I was seated next to my brother in law. We have a rather unfortunate relationship, i.e. we are far too similar. We both have an inappropriate sense of humour (might tell the "guffawing at uncle's funeral" story later) and have a disconcerting habit of trying to make the other laugh at bad times.

Now, the meal had been consumed and we were all sitting around repleat. My sister made a speech, my dad proposed a toast, and all that was to happen was for the cake to be brought in before the tables were cleared away for the evening's partaaying.

Here's where things went downhill.

My sister's daughter was 11 at the time and had just taken up the viola. Now, she had decided that as the cake came in she was going to play "Happy Birthday" on the viola from the minstrels' gallery type thing which overlooked the living room (in point of fact, it used to be a hayloft but now converted for this porpoise.) Anyhoo, as the cake came in, everyone gave rapt silence to my niece as she started playing.

Unfortunately, my niece did not know the difference between a major and a minor key, so this version of Happy Birthday was particularly bleak, as if to suggest that this would be the last birthday my sister, or indeed any of us present, would enjoy. By the third bar I made the fatal error of looking over at my brother in law to see an expression on his face that I imagine mirrored my own: a grim set jaw with a spastic twitch at the corners of his mouth as he was desperately trying to prevent spontaneous lolz-combustion. I was biting hard on the inside of my cheek imagining dead kittens and suchlike to prevent the laughter, suddenly becoming focused on the flower arrangement in the centre of the table.

So far, so good. I could lose my laughter in the applause that was soon to come.


Three things happened. First of all, my niece fluffs about the 5th to last note. Now, anyone who has experience with stringed instruments knows that they do not suffer errors gladly, and a high pitched *SCREECH* was the reward. Secondly, my brother in law turns to me, and the unmitigated cunt raises his left eyebrow in a Roger Moore-esque expression of humour. Thirdly, the music ends, and there is a split-second delay before the applause, during which time I am heard to all and sundry to make a noise like a freshly enema'd goose as the laughter explodes. This causes:

1: everyone around me to look at me like I had just raped a small kitten.

2: My niece to run off crying.

3: Me to dissolve into uncontrollable fits of laughter to the point that I feel my jaw is about to drop off.

I'm such a cunt.
(, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 11:22, 16 replies)
Oh dear
I think we have a descriptive genius on our hands. Made me chortle like a freshly-buggered mong.
(, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 11:31, closed)
the use of 'porpoise' and 'anyhoo' make you a bigger twat than your story

(, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 11:37, closed)
Fuck off quentin

(, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 11:50, closed)
Gee thanks Quintin
I resolve to change my ways immediately. Unfortunately it'll just to be to fuck you off more you mouth-breathing jizz sock.
(, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 11:53, closed)
well if this is your attitude to a little constructive criticism i can see why your sister hates you

(, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:42, closed)
Not as much
as your mum hates me after I didn't give her a lift home last night.
(, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 18:23, closed)
made me laugh like a bastard and I fully intend to use it in the near future. Probably in work. An excellent "Your mum...". I applaud.
(, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 20:41, closed)
You utter, utter bastard.

(, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 11:40, closed)

got any nudie pics of your sis?
(, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 11:43, closed)
and if so, WHY??

(, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 11:47, closed)
And you probably wouldn't want them even if I did.
(, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 11:52, closed)
I have an 11 year old niece
And I would have done the exact same. Whose idea was it to have an 11 year old serenading the party?
(, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:03, closed)

(, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:45, closed)
Enjoyed it the first time, loved it the second.
Also, I applaud your employment of the term "jizz sock" above.
(, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:47, closed)
Read this in my small, yet packed work place
now have the giggles, a bit of tea came out of my nose.
(, Wed 18 Apr 2012, 2:10, closed)
I scanned through that
and read, 'My sister's daughter was 11 at the time and had just taken up the viola'
as 'My sister's daughter was 11 at the time and had just been taken up the viola'.
(, Wed 18 Apr 2012, 22:38, closed)

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