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This is a question My Wanking Disasters

Ever been caught by your mum? Or tried to fuck a pillow and got the spongey bits stuck to your bell-end creating a strange new flower? What about the time you man-milked the keyboard causing your PC to short-circuit and knocking out the mains for the whole street? Maybe you're a lady and you were using your mobile phone as a vibrator and accidentally dialed your mother? Tell us your stories and we'll tell the world.

(, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 17:23)
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Working in Tesco's
a few years back, there was a particularly 'special' trolley boy named Sean. He was 34 and had been working as trolley boy for about 6 years.

Sitting in the staff canteen, one of the older guys who worked on Wines and Spirits was telling Sean & myself about his army days, specifically the story of how one solider had been caught fucking an orange filled with toothpaste. The story went that the soldier said the orange/toothpaste was the closest thing to a vagina they could get in the barracks and pretty soon all the troops had minty fresh cocks and pips under their foreskin (Urban myth? Who knows...).

I went back to the canteen at the end of the (same) day for my last break and there was the same guy telling the same story, I sat and had a cigarette when Sean lumbered through just at the part "it feels just like a vagina..." to which he proudly shouted "Ha! It fucking doesn't!" over his shoulder. With perhaps the best unintentional comic timing I have ever witnessed, my manager walked in as Sean walked out and said "Some daft cunts jammed an orange in the toilet...".

And that is the closest I have ever come to soiling myself.
(, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 23:29, Reply)

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