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This is a question My Wanking Disasters

Ever been caught by your mum? Or tried to fuck a pillow and got the spongey bits stuck to your bell-end creating a strange new flower? What about the time you man-milked the keyboard causing your PC to short-circuit and knocking out the mains for the whole street? Maybe you're a lady and you were using your mobile phone as a vibrator and accidentally dialed your mother? Tell us your stories and we'll tell the world.

(, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 17:23)
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This question is now closed.

Almost a double catch....
Me and my girlfriend (who will remain anonymous) live a long way apart, and as we don't exactly get any physical contact, we have to improvise over the internet as best we can. Well, I had my webcam up, and inevitably it ended up pointing downwards. As she watched me knock one off, she reliably informed me that she was also pleasuring herself. Then, after a few minutes, of course, my mum had to come up the stairs, didn't she? With the famed caught-in-the-act reflexes, I managed to get up and pull my pants back up, although my being on the other side of the room (further from the door) and the webcam's mysterious downwards angle must have been a bit suspicious. After she'd gone, we managed to get going again, only for my girlfriend's mum to walk in on her seconds later. Fortunately neither of us actually got caught though....

Oh, and another one, although not very original, I managed to fire one off in my bedroom one day, whereupon the window cleaner appeared outside about 3 minutes later. Very near miss....
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 19:51, Reply)
Usual story
From someone I went to school with.

This guy, always getting in trouble for playing music too loud. So he gets a pair of headphones, those really posh ones that encompass the whole ear, so you hear the music perfectly, without any distractions from outside noise.

He's listening to his music, up loud as usual, and suddenly gets 'the urge'

So, he sits on his bed, faces away from the door to avoid unfortunate glances from outside, grabs a tissue from his pocket, and starts bashing away. As the moment was clearly an otherworldly experience for him, he closes his eyes, and imagines women shaking their bits at him, does his business, cleans himself up, gets up to go to the bathroom to throw the tissue down the toilet... and discovers a nice steaming mug of tea on his table, kindly deposited by his mum, whilst his eyes were closed.

It sounds almost too good to be true, but I can't imagine a 16 year old boy making that up and telling all his classmates.
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 19:30, Reply)
Spunk and toilet paper
as we all know, will harden into something akin to paper mache. After wanking I cleaned up with toilet paper, but not as thoroughly as I should. When getting undressed that night my girlfriend was horrified to see that Mr. Happy's knob was wearing a paper mache helmet.
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 19:18, Reply)
hand in the cockie jar..........!
An ex girlfriend of mine caught me abusing myself once.....So she said words to the effect how dare you when you have a perfectly good girlfriend she then shagged the hell out of me!. I said thanks afterwards it was the only response I could think of.
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 19:17, Reply)
Similar to Tweebians
When I was in about year eight (can't remember exactly) I was getting turned on by anything and everything. At one of these such moments my History teacher called me to the front of the class to look over some work.

'Can I just finish this paragraph please, miss?' I asked. Thank Onan she let me and my love pump retreated in time.

Darn - just realised that's neither wanking nor disaster. Nevermind
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 19:17, Reply)
Highly Embarrassing
I was working at a well known retailers head office doing a bit of PC support summer work while I was at university.

Anyway one of the guys in the office thought it would be an excellent idea to take a couple of us temps down to a strip club during lunchtime. I had never been to a strip club before and was pretty surprised in what I was about to see… full frontal spreading nudity was this legal!? How come I’ve never been to a place like this before!! A few of beers and steadily running out of change to put in the ladies collection pots we decided to leave.
Back at the office I was a bit drunk and pretty horny, so I thought it would be a good idea to go relieve myself in the bog (hey who would know). After doing the business I washed my hands (i say that but i cant remember) and headed in back to work. For the rest of that day didn't really notice anything out of the ordinary.

Since leaving uni I now have a (better) job in a different department on the same site so I went over to catch up with the guys from yesteryear… after the usual small talk a guy well known for being a muppet mentioned I should have checked my trousers after coming back from the toilets that day, Jesus - the amount of howling and laughter that erupted at that moment from men, women and bosses nearly caused me to curl up and die.

Id give a moral to the story but I’m sure you already know it now. Damn…!
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 19:09, Reply)
Urbanesk myth
Not me....not even in me class.
When i was still at sixth form heard tell of a tiny Y7 sitting right at the front of his class (French incidently...). Teacher asks him to stand up. Tiny child refuses. Teacher insists (rather attractive lady but severe when she wanted to be). Tiny child stands up reveals himself to be a man in the important aspect. Trousers and pants chatting to ankles - the usual.
Dirty little feckers. Never would have happened in my day. Apart from to Brendon of course *shudder*
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 19:05, Reply)
a few weeks ago was out with a mutual acquaintance, and quite frankly coudnt be arsed to walk her to the train station so preceded to tell her that i was going home, later that night she rang me and told me she nearly got raped, i burst out laughing then asked what happened.
she told me there was a man watching her from the other platform, then she turned away. when she turned back she thought he had his dick out, so turned straighht back around. then when she turned back cuz the metro was coming, she seen that he was masturbating staring at her

100% true
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 18:34, Reply)
got too many of these when im only 14 :s but here is a few nonetheless
end of year 8, last year of middle school and it was the test period... there was this kid ppl used to bully, "you cant come, you cant come"... so one lunchtime this all went over the top and he got quite upset, so went into the history test really annoyed. He sat next to the loud mouthed charver lass in my class, hu is completely sound but was never the brightest crayon. so anyway this kid decides he would "prove a point"
and starts "wanking" in the back of the class... at that point this lass stands up, screams stop fucking wanking u dirty bastard.. the teacher seen, took him out of class, and the story goes that the headteacher gave him a lecture about "pleasuring yourslef in class"... he left school every evening in tears :D
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 18:18, Reply)
all this talk of finding crusty hankies all over the place makes me wonder... mum has often commented about the horrible hankies that she would occasionally find under my brother's bed. We always assumed they were just snotty given that he's got a permanent cold, but now i'm not so sure.

horrible messy boy :p
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 18:13, Reply)
I just called, to say...
"My phoned beeped to tell me I had a voice message. I dialled 171 to pick it
up and the message left was from darragh. He'd ask me to return a call about
an arrangement for the night and then the voice fell quite. I'd assumed the
message had finished and was about to put down the phone when I heard a
clunk and something like keys been typed on a keyboard. I knew then that
Darragh had meant to hang up but hadn't and was about to get up to some
other business. I stayed listening on the phone to see what he was up to but
i was in no way expecting to hear what was to follow. When the keys fell
quite there was a sound, a real wet squelch, and then:


Needless to say Darragh was pulling the stomach of himself.I think everyone
I knew heard the message, and Darragh spent a while trying to live it down.
It's only a pity I couldn't save it."

From sullbean.

EDIT; There are so many darraghs in the world, lets narrow it down. Field.
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 17:31, Reply)
i am the mighty japs-eyeclops
I shoot fire from my knob when I masturbate. I now travel the world fighting evil with my flamethrower knob. When I am alerted by interpol to a dastardly crime, I run to the crime scene, get out my huge dong with the luminous nose, and shuffle away. The crims are so shocked that they stop and watch, unaware of their impending doom. Muhahaha!
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 17:27, Reply)
What a disaster!
I attempted to restrict my breathing while knocking one out and ended up suffocating. What a bitch.
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 17:20, Reply)
Oooh they're all coming back to me.
I remember in year 11 (around 15/16 years old) two of my friends were asked to accompany the year 9 (13/14 year olds) week long trip to Wales, to be general helpers and authority figures. This they did, and had a whale of a time, except for one tent of 7 or 8 boys that just stayed up all night, talking, playing, usual boy stuff.
One evening my two friends come down to the tent to tell them all to shut up and go to sleep, opening the little window flap to see what's going inside, and are greeted with the site of all of the boys, firmly zipped up in their sleeping bags in a line, wanking like there's no tomorrow. I'm told it's quite a scarring image.
By the time my two mates returned two minutes later with their female counterparts all of the boys were done, and mooning the window in perfect unison...strange tent that one...

Also remembered (sort of on topic) about a young slapper there was at my school, a couple of years below. A rumour went around that her boyfriend of the time had a fondness for tuna, so in an effort to oblige she let him insert half a tin into her, and subsequently eat it out. A short time later she goes to the doctor with abdominal pains; turns out her seafood loving boyfriend hadn't managed to eat it all, but something else had found it instead - maggots.
Same girl (and same guy as far as I know) tried a repeat performance with jelly babies. 14 went up, 13 came out. I didn't hear what happened to the last one, although I'd like to imagine he's enjoying himself somewhere nice...
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 17:18, Reply)
Ok not me getting caught wanking but
As i was reading all of the other peoples replys to this question my dad just came into my room, started at the screen with the word wank and spirm on nearly every line and walked out as casualy as he just walked in.

I just had to explain to him that this is not a sicko site (well not in that sence)
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 17:07, Reply)
ok, this may sound like an urban myth but i swear, on my life, this happened to ME!
ok, i went to the surrey institute of art and design in farnham for my foundation and degree courses, foundation students start a month before degree students, so that year i had my twin room in halls to myself for the first month, then Wayne moved in. wayne was a wanker. that's his real name he deserves exposing. wayne and i didn't get on, we were completely opposite in every sense, anyway, to cut a long story short, one morning i woke up, and deciding i didn't feel like forcing small talk with waaaaayne, i pretended to be asleep still, that's when i heard the rhythmic squelchy slapping sound from the other side of the room (you know the one, pinch your cheek and oscillate it against your teeth, you get the idea) anyway, this goes on for a while, with me getting steadily more disgusted, when suddenly, he starts muttering under his breath 'oh you bitch, ooooh you bitch, oooooh you bitch you bitch you bitch', suffice to say that as soon as he'd finished his noises I got up, got dressed, got down to student services, and got myself a new room! I did hear someone in the plough (the local student pub) relating this legend to his mate, so i can only assume that my anguish and torment have passed into local myth!
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 17:01, Reply)
reading nine pages of stories about onanism makes you go blind...
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 17:00, Reply)
of these days I will post something that happened to me, I promise, but...

Mate of mine went to Cambodia to work as a combat plumber for the UN peacekeeping force out there - this would have been about 1993. The deal was that the bloke he shared a flat with would let his room for the six months he was away. Despite this arrangement, for some reason he didn't really clean his room out properly before he left.

Instead, just about every space out of immediate sight - under the bed, behind the headboard, under the wardrobe, behind the wardrobe, the bedside cabinet etc etc - was filled to bursting with random absorbant items that had been wanked into, ranging from tissues to sweatshirts, via towels, socks, underpants, shirts, pillowcases, facecloths... You name it, it was in there somewhere and wadded up around a core of ancient and foul dried spunk.

And we had six months to come up with ways to slag him off about it. SIX. MONTHS.
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 16:55, Reply)
Wankers cramp.
Right then. I was knocking one off in my room and had just reached the jester's shoes when I was struck with the most horrifying cramp. This was easily the worst cramp i had ever had, I could see the muscles moving under my skin like fucking snakes and I couldn't cry out too loud because all my housemates might come in and see me writhing around butt naked, covered in cum, in full lob and holding my legs. And weeping. So i just bit the pillow and endured. Within a couple of hours my legs were back to normal but covered in black bruises like i'd been hit with something. I've nver seen anything like it, or had worse cramps. Made me scared to wank for at least 3 days. Moral of this tale? If you feel like a wank is going nowhere, do not get the leg tensing in.
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 16:40, Reply)
Pyscho Spunk Flinger (of Olde London Town)
Back in the day at school aged 12. I walked past the bog one lunch to see the slightly scary/gets messages from Judas Priest songs type bloke in my year coming towards me with a clenched fist.

"Watch this!", he exclaims before launching a palmful of porridge over the blazer of an unsuspecting boy walking past us. Spunk all up his fucking back! I nervously asked what it was before realising he was mental and backing off VERY slowly.

He went into a unit aged 16, tried to stab his parents and developed a smack habit which eventually killed the mad git. 100% true.

Not very nice really, although the spunky blazer banter made double maths just fly by that afternoon...haha, youth eh?
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 16:29, Reply)
Sinking Feeling
Er, "a friend of mine" used to work for a company he hated with every fibre of his being. Part of this hatred was formed by some stupid hours he had to work, one particular stint involving working normal office hours and then right through the night, alone, to get some work ready for a client.

Anyway, around 3am my friend started to get a little drowsy, and after caffeine did no good, began thinking of other ways to stay awake. The result was a deft wank into the sink of the company's only toilet. Did the job, apparently, but my friend isn't sure to this day if he turned the taps on afterwards to get shot of the offending man-oink deposits...

Later, the following day when he phoned in to announce that he needed some sleep and wasn't coming in, the company weren't too bothered about his absence...
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 16:19, Reply)
i just burped,coughed and sneezed at the same time (it hurt like crap,man)
while wanking.ow.
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 16:00, Reply)
I'm never going to live this down
even though it doesn't involve my wanking, but that of, ah, up to 2 others...
Went to my parents' place for a few days, went out drinking with an old mate, and then in bed, at 4am, drunk and horny, decided to send my s/o (who's back at home) a filthy text message for his enjoyment. Of course, being pissed I sent it to the wrong number - the first name in my phone book being Adam, one of my boyfriend's best mates, and a lovely bloke. The sheer horror of the slow realisation that dawned on me as I stared hopelessly at the words "Message Sent". Next time I saw him he pissed himself laughing and quoted my lyrical prose back at me, although he said he had to delete the message so his girlfriend wouldn't see it. To be fair, I got off quite lightly...

To fully understand how awful this was, you probably need to understand that the message started (thank fuck I don't remember all of it) with "I want to feast on your beautiful cock, tongue its massive throbbing splendour and let its sweet gift shower me..."

And that, children, is why 'dad' doesn't begin with A.
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 15:13, Reply)
National trust working holiday
Did one of these a few years ago. One of the male volunteers was a little odd, in that way you can't quite pin down. I woke early one morning, and as I passed his bunk noticed that while he was asleep he was pleasuring himself in his sleeping bag. Luckily he wasn't making breakfast that morning ... I decided not to mention it in conversation.
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 15:06, Reply)
After a strip club one night.....
We were out in the west end one night for one of my little brothers mates 21st. Me and a mate had been making enquiries to see if any of the young chaps had ever been to a strip club before.... It turned out that at the tender age of 21 none of my Brother or his 5-6 mates had ever been to watch naked ladies.

So said mate and I march them off to get an eyefull. We go and sit at the back to watch what happened next.

They got sat down the front of the auditorium right by a pole and were then offerd 3 girls. Which would they choose?? anyway they chose said girl gave her the bunts and she got her kit off. All the time she was doing this the little boys were staring intently....

Anyway leave the strip club to find a Taxi and get our way back to sarf london and we pull into a garage.

I thought this would be a great time for a wind up, so I went and purchased a copy of Men Only (for those not in the know, top quality jazz mag.....not) got back the mates house they chaps caught wind of the fact, one of them knicked if off me and went upstairs to the bog to knock one off, then when he came down another one went up and so on, until they were all spent.

Made me and my mate laugh for weeks
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 15:03, Reply)
Being confident about it
Last year's holiday, a cruise, was a hotbed of bizarre humour for the teenagers. One of the many sayings that failed to lose effect over the two weeks was replying to questions such as "where's he gone?" by someone shouting "for a WANK!"

As you might imagine, this frequently caused some concern for people passing by at the time. Including the youth crew, when a senior officer overheard.
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 15:00, Reply)
Was it a dream?
I was renting my spare room out to this rather attractive young lady about 2 years ago. I had plenty of decent hard-core porn lying about the house that she appeared to take no notice of. Anyhow, one night when she's out I decide to enjoy some of this on the sofa. It was late and I fell asleep - tissue wrapped cock in hand. I vaguely remember saying hello to her as she came in later that night, but she's never mentioned the incident - I'm hoping I dream't it - I woke up in the morning with the old fella still sitting there...
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 14:41, Reply)
I work as a packager...
...for Britains largest department store as a packager in their food department. I thought it would be well funny to bash one off in to one of their Panna Cotta deserts. I seem to remember doing something to the raspberries that went in it too...
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 14:36, Reply)
Horror of the Day After the Night Before!
I can't remember this but it did happen....

Was out on the rip with a load of my mates. Had a large amount to drink and managed to get home somehow. So I proceeded to look up some porn on my always-on pc in the dining room and pleasure myself. I passed out. (My computer chair is rather comfy btw)

Next day I wake up in bed with no idea how I got there in the first place, went downstairs for breakfast where my dad says "Remember me helping u get dressed and into bed last nite?!" I was horrified, the my brother proceeds to tell me the porn was still on the computer screen that morning, but he closed it.

A quick check of the history and it sunk in that it actually happened.
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 14:29, Reply)

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